


Chance

by Sakura_Lawliet



Category: Banana Bus Squad, H2OVanoss - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Death, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Racism, Internalized Conflict, M/M, Miscommunication, Navy, Nightmares, Pirates, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Time Travel, panic/anxiety attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-05-01 00:51:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 69,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14508909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sakura_Lawliet/pseuds/Sakura_Lawliet
Summary: Paradise was a lost treasure amiss an empty sea of broken hope and welcomed misery. However, in rare cases - such as Evan's own - he finds that even the most worthless treasure, can become a paradise of its own making.Even if that paradise was the epitome of everything he was raised against.A second chance given to one naval officer Evan Fong, leads the man on another journey parallel to one he once lived over similar blue ocean waves and warm unbreakable friendships. This time, with some twists and a different mission end game than his last - to save the life of one pirate captain; H2O Delirious.





	1. “Good luck, Vanoss and do not fail us.”

**Author's Note:**

> **DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Youtube (obviously) or any of its users. I especially do not own Delirious, CaRtOoNz, Vanoss, I AM WILDCAT, nor any other YouTuber mentioned in this writing piece; they are all owners of their own being. I only take credit for the plot, story - and further down the road - any and all _original characters_ that may pop in and out along the way. Neither do I gain any profit from this writing piece.
> 
> **WARNING(S):** Please read and take note of tags. Be cautious and _always_ read with discretion, no matter the story!
> 
> **ADDITIONAL NOTE(S):** The rating and tags of this story may change as it continues. As new chapters are added, more tags may also be added, so please make sure you are aware of such things while engaged with this story.
> 
> Chance _is centered in a completely fictional place, all places and names are made up - any matching to a real life area are purely coincidental. There are fairly little historical accuracy that ties it to real life even though it tends to mirror olden day life; and neither is it medically accurate. It's just an open universe, and even though I've done some research of ship life and so on, it doesn't mean I'm an expert. Enjoy!_

Silence. That’s all there was. Utter and complete silence.

Evan couldn’t hear anything else over the roaring rain and even his roaring heart that pounded relentlessly in his chest, drowning out everything with the fast speed of his pulse. The rain soaked both him and the body he held close to his own, wrapped tightly in Evan’s shaking embrace.

And no matter how cold the body gradually got, slowly surpassing the minimal normal body temperature a healthy, _alive_ , human being should have, Evan still denied the current events, hoping with everything he had that the body in his arms would try to at least shiver for some warmth. To fight some more for life, even when it was obviously shutting down with defeat.

He denied every single thing that was happening, even when Evan could see, he could _feel_ the lukewarm blood pooling around them, soaking his hands and clothes red. The rain only able to wash a small portion of the staining liquid, but at this rate it was pointless as it clung to their clothes and skin.

Evan’s head was a mess as he finally met the gaze of the dying light in his arms, the gaze of once ocean colored orbs that burned with a blue fire of determination and passion, but were now dull murky depths saturated in pain and misery.

Evan sucked in a quiet dry sob as he watched the man in his arms breathe raggedly and choke slightly on the blood that leaked from his mouth. Evan never thought he would be in this situation ever in his life as he studied the pale faced, dark brunette dying in his arms, seconds away from being gone from the world forever.

Evan scrubbed the blood off of the older male’s face, “This,” he choked out, “This is seriously fucked up, Delirious.” Evan hollowly laughed at himself, “I… I don’t even know your real name yet, you can’t die on me.” Voice cracking, he watched Delirious’ murky depths flutter in exhaustion, trying to keep them open, but couldn't continue to fight the darkness on the inside of his eyelids.

Silence once more, but this time, Evan couldn’t even hear the rain or his heart that froze in the realization of his current predicament; just ringing. A ear splitting ringing that fogged his brain as it comprehended Delirious not opening his eyes anymore, and the hand that was clenching and bunched into the fabric of Evan’s clothed chest was now loose and falling into his lap.

Suddenly, Evan was screaming, throat burning to release the pain, the hurt, the constricting guilt that suffocated his being. He screamed for Delirious to open his eyes again, to be alive.

Evan screamed for things to go back. He just wanted to watch Delirious’ back as he led the group forward once more, to watch his ocean orbs shine with amusement and annoyance. Evan wanted to hear his voice; his laugh…

Then there was hands on Evan’s shoulders, pulling him away, and he fought with all his might. To stay by Delirious’ side… like he wanted. He always wanted.

Evan never knew how attached, how close he felt to the captain, but now he’s lost him altogether.

When Evan looked back at the person pulling him away, his angry, stormy, honey brown eyes met with concerned and soft, dark brown ones. Evan paused a moment as he recognized Tyler who was still gently trying to pull him away from the gruesome scene before them. That was until Evan eyes traveled over Tyler’s shoulder to the person standing a good distance behind the concerned male.

The man who assigned him this mission in the first place, and the one who killed Delirious trying to shoot Evan. Evan glared at him with every burning hate filled cell he had towards the man, but when he moved to go to him, Tyler was there to stop him. Tyler placed his hands on Evan’s shoulders again, stepping in front of his set vision on the man who basically started and ended everything.

“Listen, I know it looks like we’re against you, but we’re not. This all was planned from the beginning, no matter how many times Craig and I fought against it. They hoped you would gain his trust enough that if we were to put you in danger, he would prevent it, ultimately leading to… well, this outcome.” Tyler motioned his head to behind Evan making the latter close his eyes in the pain that stabbed at his heart. “Craig and I thought it was stupid, but to them it was the only way to bring The Great H2O Delirious down… Otherwise he and his crew would be too strong for us.”

Evan felt his body tremble in Tyler’s hold as he moved to the weapon in his waist belt strap subliminally. Evan felt a hollow single laugh bubble from his throat in a deep, defeated tone at the explanation Tyler gave him, “So… if Delirious didn’t give a shit about me…” Evan looked down at his soaked feet, blood staining his clothes a light red, almost pink color. He spotted Delirious’ broken mask a distance away on the ground, crumbled and pitiful looking as it was rained down upon. Evan clench his teeth in anger, “They were okay with losing a comrade?” Evan chuckled again, almost on the verge of hysterics as he gave a little empty huff, “… at least I know who to trust now.” Tyler looked down at him, eyes shining with confusion and sympathy.

“Evan-” Evan had already made his decision since the moment he realized Delirious wouldn’t survive his injury, watching those blue eyes waver and dull, but now was his chance to execute it. So he pushed Tyler out of his way, making the surprised male fall to the soaked wooden floorboards harshly with a grunt and quickly pulled out his weapon, aiming it at his target.

Many things happened at once as the shot rang out in the silence of the rain. But the only thing that caught Evan’s attention was that he failed.

His target was still alive, not even _harmed_ , but instead the man who always stood at his ex-captain’s side had intervened himself. Evan just watched the same thing happen twice today.

A sacrifice of one’s own life for the life of another.

Evan’s heart clenched in unimaginable guilt as he watched the younger male he just shot crumble to the ground. The only thing that made Evan feel slightly lighter was the look of utter panic and fear that crossed his ex-captain’s face as he realized what happened.

“Are you happy now?” His ex-captain growled angrily as he knelt behind his injured right-hand man for the young male to lean against and, ultimately, block Evan’s shot. “Your vengeance only resulted in the harm of your comrade and the committed treason against your team and your country - therefore nullifying your contract for life.”

“N-nanners… don’t…” The injured man weakly protested, holding tightly to the bleeding, open wound in his shoulder.

“Silence, Chilled,” Captain Seananners ordered raising his gun to Evan’s defeated form. “Goodbye, traitor.”

The gunshot rang out loudly as he heard Tyler shout out in panic. He heard his name on Tyler’s lips as pain exploded through his chest. Evan crumbled to the ground, turning his head to see Delirious’ pale face and dark, soaked hair plastered to it next to him. Out of the corner of his eye, Evan watched Craig pulling Tyler back, both with equally pained faces and pale complexions as Tyler fought back, screaming about something not being fair.

Evan felt his senses clog up, his body becoming numb from the pain. His ears and mouth feeling like cotton balls were shoved down both orifices, while his vision began to blur. Evan choked on the iron liquid that climbed up his throat as he tried to focus back on Delirious. “Se-See you soon, Del…” He mouthed, his voice failing him as he closed his eyes, watching as the darkness behind his eyelids danced.

If only Evan could redo everything and do it right. If only he had the chance to make things right.

_“Your wish has been granted.”_

Evan snapped his eyes open at the voice that echoed in his head. He froze, eyes wide as he observed the space around him with slight fear and awe. He seemed to be floating in the night sky. The stars were bright and colorful, but what caught his attention was the film-like pictures that showed slow motion scenes underneath his suspended self.

Some he recognized as moments of his life, just in third person, and others that looked the same, but never happened. There were also ones that looked totally different from his life, but the people were definitely Delirious, himself, and other people he was definitely familiar with.

“W-what…? Where…” Evan looked around, but all he could see was more film and endless sky. Evan ran his hands down his chest, feeling for the obvious wound he had just received but there was none. His chest didn’t sting and his body felt right as rain; his body involuntarily flinching at his brains ironic use of comparison.

His thoughts blanked out, though, when suddenly, Evan felt his insides flip uncomfortably as he started to fall, making his heart excelerate in panic. Evan looked down to where he was falling, and the scene portrayed was one familiar to him that he stiffened in remembrance of that time. He closed his eyes as he got closer to the image, phasing through it, a warm and fuzzy feeling spreading throughout his body.

He felt gravity hit him like bricks with his feet on a flat surface, making him lose balance as he fell onto his backend. His thoughts swarmed in questions and confusion, until a familiar voice pierced through them.

A deep laugh had Evan opening his eyes to two familiar faces, “You fucking idiot, are you learning to walk again or something?” Tyler mocked him as he continued without him.

“Tyler, he just got over a stomach bug the other day, he could still be dizzy or nauseous.” Craig defended with a hard tone and a frown. He held his hand out to Evan, which he accepted instantly as he absentmindedly studied his two friends. His, _very real and physically present_ , friends.

“Whatever, he needs to suck it up, _Craig_ , the Captain's expecting him to be well and able for a mission that he’s going to be briefed for in a few minutes from now,” Tyler scoffed, looking back at them with an unamused expression and a raised eyebrow, “And Evan already said he was over it. He should at least be able to live up to his words.” Craig rolled his eyes as he pulled Evan to his feet again.

“I am fine,” Evan frowned, “Stop talking about me like I’m not here, I just lost my balance for a moment.” He shook his head at them, “And stop saying our names out loud, the Captain will scold us again.”

They both rolled their eyes as they walked ahead of him, Evan’s feet rooted firmly to the ground where he was, “Have fun with your mission, idiot. Come see us before you leave.” Tyler dismissed, walking around a corner, Craig giving Evan a farewell peace sign before he followed after the older male leaving Evan standing before a door with a wooden plate nailed to it with ‘Captain SeaNanners’ etched into it.

Evan paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. This was so strange… He was actually starting over again. This was too good to be true, but no matter how impossible this was to be real, just the thought of being able to save Delirious’ life had Evan ready for the events just about to unfold again within seconds.

He sucked in a deep breath and knocked on his soon-to-be once again ex-captain’s door.

“Vanoss,” Evan straightened his posture as he moved into the room. His nickname seemed so foreign to his ears after hearing his name on Delirious’ lips for so long, but he gave a smile to Captain SeaNanners. He gave a short lowering of his head in respect, receiving a smile back as well. “I’m sure you’ve heard from Wildcat the situation.”

Evan nodded silently, breathing slightly delayed in his want to hear the captain speak the very words he wished to hear again.

“Your mission has an unlimited time limit, as it’s unpredictable what could happen with this one.” His dark brown eyes meeting Evan’s with emotionless steel. “We have been having serious problems with the pirates around, you know this as everyone does, but there is one consistent, one that seems so much more persistent with it’s… thieving lifestyle.” The man sighed, “Everyone knows of The Delirious Army, the pirate fleet that outstands them all.” The praise left a more bitter feeling than anything.

Evan bit his lower lip, silence chilling his bones. All he wanted was the order to go find Delirious and make things right.

“We need them to disappear, and you are the person most qualified for this.” At this Evan’s body stiffen. Now he knew what that meant, what SeaNanners had implied, this time and last time. Evan’s hand clenched into fists behind his back, waiting for the captain to continue. “Your mission is to infiltrate the Delirious Army by any means. We don’t really have any information except for some loose ends, but I’m sure you can figure everything out well enough. Delirious needs to be taken down, and all we wish for you to do is send us information every time you port, with any updates you can.”

SeaNanners eyes had drifted from Evan’s form and instead eyed the papers he riffled through on his desk. He pulled out a little slip of paper from a folder and held it out for Evan’s hands. Evan felt his abdomen slightly tighten at the action. This didn’t happen last time, no, all SeaNanners told him was to meet at certain places after sending a message of his location.

Evan ignored his thoughts and took the little parchment into his fingers, but as he went to pull it away, SeaNanner neglected to let go of it. Evan looked up to meet SeaNanners eyes, a sudden thump of his heart in unnecessary panic shot through his person underneath the captain’s intense and cold gaze. “Don’t lose this paper, and especially don’t let anyone see of its existence. This is the place to send your updates to, Vanoss, and frequent updates we expect. Don’t you think of running away from your duties, boy, and for God’s sake, don’t you even dare think of disappointing us.”

Evan felt his blood freeze, his insides tight with the sudden panic it sent scorching throughout his body, but Evan’s outside mask instantly took over. His face fell into a blank expression, eyes slightly narrowed on the captain's sitting figure, as his body straightened it’s posture. “I understand,” his voice droned, pulling the slip of parchment from SeaNanners fingers, if not without slight aggression. “Is there anything else I need to know?”

SeaNanners lips twitched upward at the corners of his mouth, his eyes dancing with some kind of amusement, “There had been word that Delirious has been sighted around Fermildin. You can leave tonight or tomorrow morning, either is fine. Oh yes - don’t die.”

Evan’s lips fought against a frown at his choice of words. His head was swarming with confusion and questions. This was different than the previous mission briefing he had the first time. “Of course, Sir.”

SeaNanners moved his gaze back to his papers, “You’re dismissed. Good luck, Vanoss and do not fail us.”

Evan slipped out of the room as quickly as he could without seeming frightened or, in the worst case scenario, suspicious. He knew he was supposed to go and see Tyler and Craig, but he just needed a few minutes to himself, and so, he found himself in his room.

He couldn’t have been with the captain for more than four minutes, so he had a few more to collect himself without the boys becoming worried on where he was. He leaned against his door, sliding down to curl into himself on the floor.

Everything was just so bizarre. He couldn’t believe himself anymore than the obvious physical reality around him. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see Delirious’s cold and rain soaked body bleeding out. Every time there was a small silence, he could still hear the rain clogging his brain of thoughts. His body still shook with the effects of experiencing not only his own almost near-death situation, but also witnessing the death of someone so important to him.

His brain still denied anything right now of being real. It’s just so impossible, so impossible to be here again, given a second chance to make things right once more. To make sure Delirious wouldn’t suffer an unnecessary, undeserving death.

What threw him off even more, was that things he remembered clearly were not the same here. Evan was sure that Tyler was wearing a dirtied yellowed T-shirt the day he left, but he was instead wearing a grey, long sleeved sweater-like shirt with a dark green tattered vest over top. And Craig, he remembered how doting and clingy the boy was to Tyler without knowing he was, but this time around Evan could clearly see the hesitance and conflict the boy showed in his eyes when he realized how close he was to the taller male.

But then again, Evan did have a traumatic experience, maybe his brain is still trying to collect its lost pieces. Maybe he was still collecting everything back that he lost because he knows that no matter how real or alive Delirious, himself, or anyone else was in this world, this place, the lost and death of everyone back in his original residence will always hang over him. Just like how haunting Delirious’ death was; his cold, still and bloodied body being the freshest memory Evan could remember no matter how much he didn’t want it to be.

Although, Evan knew that his conversation with SeaNanners was different. The way he stared at Evan and the way he spoke, it was like he was looking through Evan, like he knew; knew what Evan was thinking, what he was going to do, knew _everything_. It was almost as if he understood Evan’s exact situation.

Panic swam through Evan’s body at the thought that maybe the captain had been given a ‘second chance’ as well, but Evan quickly killed that stupid worry. Evan knows that couldn’t possibly be true. SeaNanners didn’t die, the man wasn’t even injured and if he did somehow die, why would he have been given a chance to come back and restart?

Would it have been something of a joke? Would it be amusing to the thing that brought Evan back if he was given more obstacles, more life or death situations? Maybe Evan was just to die over and over, watch Delirious die over and over until Evan was broken down to his last piece of conscious? Until there was nothing left of him…?

Evan let out a ragged sigh, his hands tugging at his black strands that fell a little too long for his preference before he picked himself up off the ground. Tyler and Craig were waiting for him, and this was his last night in a long time he would see them, and if lucky, the last time. Only because that would mean the navy was close, and Evan’s new found mission was to keep Delirious and his crew as far away from the navy as possible.

Evan breathed in deeply before he left his room to seek out Tyler’s. They would want to hear the details.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any tags you feel should be added, please don't hesitate to suggest.
> 
> This particular story was started around the mid or late stretches of 2017, but the first growing ideas of this story began on January 6th, 2017 when Delirious posted his first Battleship video with CaRtOoNz. I was instantly intrigued by the thought of Delirious being a pirate captain, and suddenly, many scenes were born, but, unfortunately, I never had the courage to write them down.
> 
> Those ideas stuck with me, however, and it wasn't until I was given a writing prompt through a English project in my 11th year of high school that I actually wrote something in the universe _Chance_ takes place in. (Hopefully my teacher will never recognize the weird nicknames the characters "adopted"....)
> 
> That piece was titled _Fortuity_ and at the time it was the most amazing thing I ever thought I'd write. At this time, I had already imagined a timeline for what would become this piece you've now read the first chapter of; _Chance_. _Fortuity_ was what I imagined as it's "alternative ending", and what I thought would have been the only thing to ever see the light of day from it's universe, because I was too discouraged to write anything more in fear of "ruining" the amazing imagery I held of it all in my head. (You can tell I had a hard time with my writing confidence).
> 
> But now, as of me writing this for you beginning readers who've decided to give my story a shot, I am currently working on **Chapter 26** (which right now is like, two weeks late.... so I really should still be working on that instead of this message, opps). _Chance_ is moving steadily and beautifully; it's become such a huge part of my life now and I feel so grateful for having that random burst of courage to post this first chapter all those months ago.
> 
> I never thought I'd write _Chance_ and now it's come so far and people actually _like_ it! It's been such a journey, and I've learned so much as this story progressed and have yet so much more to go.
> 
> Anyway, I'm here for those who've read my first chapter and enjoyed it enough that they plan to go on to the next - or for even those that tried it but decided it wasn't what they liked - to say thank you! And I hope that if you continue with _Chance_ , it brings you the joy and entertainment that it's brought me while writing it.
> 
> For those a bit worried this might stay unfinished, that I might disappear, don't be! I will finish this story, even if I become so busy that I can't write for extended periods of time. This story means a lot to me as my first serious commitment and the characters mean so much more; know that there is definitely an end in sight.
> 
> This is so long, sorry. (P.S. Might rewrite/heavily edit the first couple chapters to make it flow a little easier if I have time).
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://sakura-lawliet.tumblr.com), if you want.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	2. “Taking chances isn’t going to hurt, you know.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Don’t you think Evan’s acting weird?” Craig murmured._
> 
> _“What do you mean?” Tyler grumbled._
> 
> _“Evan’s more… loose than usual. He seems a little more happy, you know? You see it too, right?” Craig eagerly asked of Tyler's opinion. “It’s not just me, right?”_
> 
> _There was a short silence before Tyler spoke up, “I think Evan has something in mind.”_

“Why do you always get the interesting missions?” Tyler grumbled, smacking Craig’s hand from his face who was trying to fix the mop of unruly hair Tyler sported. “A chance to lead one of our greatest enemies to his demise? No fair..” Tyler huffed, blowing the stray strand of hair that rested against his forehead into the air for moment. The very same strand Craig was trying to fix.

They were huddled in Tyler’s and Craig’s shared bunk, Evan letting them in on his currently assigned mission Captain SeaNanners just gave him not even ten minutes ago. Luckily, Evan didn’t have to head out until the next day, so he decided to crash with the guys tonight.

It would be a long mission. Evan knows.

Craig shook his head at Tyler’s grumpy mood, “Maybe if you were as responsible as Evan, you would get the same treatment.”

“I’m responsible.” Tyler defended.

Craig raised an eyebrow at him, “Oh yeah? Who’s side of the bunk is always unkempt and messy?” Tyler groaned loudly, but Craig continued, “Who almost broke the helm to the ship? Luckily only one knob broke off that time. Oh, and you can’t forget that time you dared that group of new guys to go swimming in shark infested water.”

Tyler rolled his eyes, “They shouldn’t have been so stupid.”

“You would have killed them if I hadn’t stepped in!”

Tyler clicked his tongue and Evan groaned to himself, “Come on guys, stop bickering, you act like a married couple.”

Craig’s face dusted light pink, but only Evan noticed as Tyler told Evan to shut up with a pretty annoyed growl. Craig looked away when Tyler turned to glare at him, “If you thought I would have allowed them to willingly walk into dangerous waters, you’re stupid.” Tyler ended the subject.

“Still, the point is you’re irresponsible.” Craig bit back, quickly restarting that subject. Evan went to change the subject this time, before it could continued for any longer, but Craig resumed quickly before he could say anything, “Plus, Evan, being who he is, still needs to show his usefulness to our team over and over again, because of well…” He tailed off, looking down when he realized he was breaking into solemn territory.

Tyler frowned, “Yeah, yeah, whatever, I know. I get it.”

Evan sighed, “You know, it doesn’t bother me, right? I’ve never done anything that would put me in danger of breaking the contract on my end, nor do I ever plan on doing so.” Evan bit his lip for the lie he told straight to their faces. He never told lies before, but also never knew the boys were so worried about him and his paper bounded life so much. He never would have if he didn’t stay around this time.

In his first chance, Evan had left straight away in order to please his captain with his hard work ethic. The more good he did, being the best that he could be, the less reason they had to rip his life into tiny, little, literal pieces.

But this time, Evan gave no qualms to his contract. After he made his way back to Delirious, there will be no reason for it any longer. Evan doesn’t plan on ever coming back, which will result in him becoming a traitor.

He’ll be hunted down for his life, but Evan didn’t care. Delirious’ life was the only thing that did matter.

So, Evan stayed with his friends this time. He wanted to have this last chance to spend with them be a good memory of their friendship.

“We know, it’s just… It’s so easy to make one mistake though…” Craig murmured, and Evan frowned.

He couldn’t even remember how many times he had to deny doing fun and totally stupid things with them for the fact that one little bad thing could lead to his death. He couldn’t do dares or play pranks on the other crewmen with Tyler and Craig without maybe ending up with a complaint against himself to the captain and a noose around his neck.

At that thought, Evan stood up, feeling his friends eyes bore into his skin in question. “I’ll be back,” he murmured to them before leaving the room.

He raided the kitchen storage for some whiskey and rum for him and the boys. Tonight, he would let everything go. And maybe it wasn’t the smartest idea, but it was the best one he could think up.

He wouldn’t be the only sober one in his group of friends again. He wouldn’t be the one to ruin fun moments with his strict attitude and behavior.

He would be the life of the party this time.

He grinned as he moved to barge into the room again, but paused when he heard his friends mention his name. And he knew how bad it was to eavesdrop, but Evan only wanted to know what continued to worry his friends so he could find a way to comfort them.

“Don’t you think Evan’s acting weird?” Craig murmured.

“What do you mean?” Tyler grumbled.

“Evan’s more… loose than usual. He seems a little more happy, you know? You see it too, right?” Craig eagerly asked of Tyler's opinion. “It’s not just me, right?”

There was a short silence before Tyler spoke up, “I think Evan has something in mind.”

“What?”

“I mean, I think Evan’s gonna take this chance to leave.”

“What the hell, Tyler?”

Tyler snapped back easily, “Think about it, won’t you? Evan’s happy for this mission, a mission which involves him finally being able to escape the watchful eyes of the higher ups. You know, _far away_ from the higher ups.”

“But Evan’s always been loyal to the navy…” Craig murmured uncertainty.

“Evan has to be, he’s bound to the navy, but he’s also miserable. One mistake and off with all our heads. He’s probably been stressing about this during his every waking moment. I hope he does end up breaking away, to be honest.”

“But…” Craig trailed off then, and Evan chose that moment to come back into the room.

He was surprised Tyler was so sharp, but he was also surprised by what he said.

Tyler was hoping he’d break away from the navy. Evan knew Tyler and Craig were his closest friends, but he never knew that they had such high hopes of a better life for him.

He smiled widely at them, waving the bottles in the air, “I’m back.”

Tyler rose an eyebrow, “We’re not gonna get drunk for your amusement, Evan.” He said instantly.

Evan rolled his eyes, shoving a bottle of alcohol into both of Tyler and Craig’s arms. “No amusement here for you to entertain me with, I just want to do something I haven’t been able to do with you before.”

Craig looked at him with a lost expression, holding the bottle close to his chest, “With us?”

Evan grinned wider, opening the bottle of rum in his hands and holding it out for them to give him a cheers. “That’s what I said, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you,” Tyler started, before a huge grin slipped over his features, “But I like it,” he clinked his bottle against Evan’s eagerly as he took a large gulp afterward.

Evan looked to Craig, raising his drink in question. Craig had a conflicted expression on his face, but complied anyway, followed with an immediate guzzle of his own, throwing his head back in the process.

Tyler praised Craig in a teasing manner while Evan looked at his own bottle. Evan hadn’t had anything to drink since a few years back when Captain SeaNanners invited him to his chambers for dinner and a update on Evan’s contract.

Evan took a good swig, feeling the burn sizzle all the way down to his stomach. He looked up to see both Tyler and Craig peering at him curiously.

Evan frowned, “What?” He snapped bitterly in embarrassment.

Tyler chuckled, “Just remembering that time you came back completely drunk. Even Nanners was amused and he was the one who had to drag you back.”

Evan rolled his eyes, “Shut up and drink some more.”

“Gladly,” Tyler said, swallowing more alcohol.

Evan can say, he probably hadn’t had this much fun with his friends before and he was happy he made these decisions. He just wished he didn't have to leave Tyler and Craig behind. Evan also knew that the alcohol thing was probably just a confirmation for them that he wasn’t coming back, and he just hoped they understood.

Evan woke the next morning with a pounding headache, Craig’s arm thrown over his waist with realization of his spot squeezed between his two best friends. Evan groaned, moving to shed himself of Craig’s smothering arm heat, only to find that the male had bunched his hand into a fistful of Tyler shirt across Evan’s body. Evan groaned louder at the revelation.

Evan wondered why Craig hadn’t took his bed on the top bunk, but then again, they were drinking a little too much for Craig to safely make his way to his top bunk. But still, Evan wasn’t happy right now to care. “Craig,” he hissed into the male's ear. Evan shoved him a little more, “Craig, get your ass up, I need to go.”

Craig groaned, tightening his grip on Tyler and tried to tug him closer. Evan growled.

“Craig, wake the fuck up.” Evan’s head pounded and he just wanted to get some fresh air before he had to pack and leave.

Craig squinted his eyes open to see Evan glaring angrily at him and he giggled, “What?” He murmured, before Evan was shoving him away, almost off the bed.

“Let go of Tyler and get up so I can go pack.” Evan said, “ _Chaos_ will be leaving soon and I need to be gone before that happens.” Craig blushed, immediately letting go of Tyler and cradled his arms to his chest, making Evan roll his eyes. “You can cuddle after I’m gone.” He muttered, sitting up to crawl over Craig’s tense form.

“Are you crazy?” Craig snapped, embarrassed.

Evan smirked, “I’m sure Tyler wouldn’t mind.”

Craig stumbled out of the bed, “Shut up.”

Evan sighed. The Craig in his last timeline would have jumped on this sort of chance. Watching this Craig clumsily scuttle to his top bunk made Evan’s heart ache. “Taking chances isn’t going to hurt, you know.”

Craig froze, before he slipped underneath his covers, back facing Evan. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He muttered, voice soft and slightly strained.

“Tyler isn’t going to push you away.”

There was a long pause before Craig spoke up meekly, “I don’t want to ruin what we have and if by some small chance he doesn’t push me away, I wouldn’t want him to fake anything. I can deal with what we have now, I’m content.”

Evan wished he could say that he once thought the same thing. Evan wished he could tell him about Delirious and how Evan didn’t know what he wanted until he lost everything. He was lucky with a second chance, but not everyone got them... Evan bit his lip, “That’s what you say now, but make sure that this isn’t something you’ll regret later on.”

He could almost hear the swarm of questions that ran through Craig’s head, until they both froze with the sound of Tyler changing position on the bed. Tyler let out a sound of contentment as he laid on his back, but was still asleep to both his and Craig’s luck.

Evan didn’t get a response, so he sighed, “Well, I’m gonna go pack, I’ll be back later to say my goodbyes. Think about it, won’t you?”

More silence so Evan picked up their mess as much as he could before he opened the door to leave. As he was closing it, Craig replied with a whisper, “I always am.”

Evan stalled for only a second, but closed the door anyway and left to go to his room. A few hours later, Evan was looking at a barren room. He wondered if this was too suspicious, but Evan never really had anything to begin with. The only ones who would probably notice a difference would be Craig and Tyler, but they wouldn’t say anything.

Evan packed anything he thought important or held sentiment for, and threw away anything leftover, which was only a few academy books he was forced to study sometime ago and kept for reference. He definitely didn’t need them now.

He was at Tyler and Craig’s door, frozen at the thought of this probably, and hopefully in Delirious’ case, the last time he’ll be seeing them. Evan took a deep breath before he pushed the door open to see Craig and Tyler fighting with each other. Or well, more like bickering.

Craig was trying to press a wet cloth to Tyler’s forehead, but Tyler was being stubborn and denied every one of the shorter male’s attempts. “You said you had a headache, you ass, let me help.”

“I said I’m fine, leave me alone.” Tyler grumbled.

Craig glared at him with a frown. “You aren’t fine, you just said you had a headache, hold still won’t you?”

Craig was stubborn as well, if not more than Tyler when it came to certain things, and eventually Tyler gave up trying to fight the younger male. With a huff, Craig pressed the cloth to Tyler’s head roughly, making Tyler grumble to himself. “Why don’t you just give up sometimes?”

Craig went to open his mouth with a snarky reply before Tyler noticed Evan’s form in the doorway behind Craig, making the male turn around to Evan’s amused person. “Evan!”

“You’re here for us to see you off, huh?” Tyler murmured sullenly, making Craig deflate at the revelation.

Evan rolled his eyes, “You guys act like I’m…” Evan faltered, swallowing his words, “Like I’m disappearing for good...” Evan walked in to close the door behind him.

It was Tyler’s turn to roll his eyes, “Right, like you weren’t planning it.” He bit out.

Craig whacked Tyler’s arm, “Tyler!”

Tyler turned to glare up at Craig, “It’s not like he doesn’t know that we know.”

Evan sighed, “True.” He admitted, making Craig sulk abit.

“Are you crazy?!” Craig snapped in a whisper-like hiss. “Where are you going to go?”

Evan smiled knowingly, sadly, “To do my mission.”

Craig faltered, confused, “Wait - what?”

“His mission is to infiltrate the _Delirious Army_ , remember?” Tyler clarified, making Craig shoot him an ugly look before turning back to Evan while he pushed the cloth more roughly against Tyler’s forehead.

“But, you’re lea… Well, why continue if you’re…?” Craig trailed off frustrated.

“If I told you the whole truth, you wouldn’t understand.” Evan started, making Craig furrow his eyebrows and Tyler stare more intently into his person. Evan shifted his weight before he continued, “But if I comply to the mission and the navy for a bit, it’ll give me protection for a little while longer. And what better protection than pirates who can outwit and shake off the very navy I’m running from?” Evan murmured low incase a strangler were to think to listen in.

Tyler sighed, “That’s if they take you in.”

Evan thought back on how easily Delirious accepted him, how easily everyone accepted him, he quirked a half smile, “I’m sure I’m fine.”

“Now you sound like Tyler.” Craig snarked.

Tyler glared at him, “Oh, shut up, you whiner.”

“I don’t whine-”

“But you sure do have an argument for everything.”

“I do not!”

“And you always have something more to say.”

“Tyler-”

“Boys,” Evan growled, making both of them turn towards him with angry expressions, “I have to leave. Now.” He raised an eyebrow at them.

Craig sighed, pulled the cloth from Tyler's face and threw it onto the bed next to him, happy when the older male didn’t realize that later he’ll have a wet spot on his bed from ignoring Craig’s actions. A little revenge that Craig knew was petty, but didn’t really have the thoughts to care at the moment. Tyler stood up and pushed past him to follow Evan out and to the top deck.

Craig followed after a moment of consideration, grabbing Tyler’s tiny notepad, ink and pen.

Evan and Tyler pulled from a hug as Craig walked over to stand next to them, pulling Evan into his own hug. “Be safe, won’t you?” Evan rolled his eyes.

“As safe as I can be when it comes to the _Delirious Army_.” Evan chided.

Tyler spoke up after a moment, “I don’t want to lose contact with you.”

Evan saddened, “It’s too dangerous…”

“Then…” Tyler patted his pockets until Craig dug into his own and shoved Tyler’s notepad and pen into his hands. Tyler met Craig’s eyes with wonder, having known that they knew each other well, but sometimes it was amazing how well they _could_ read the other. Quickly, he opened the pad to a new page, and gestured to Craig to open his ink bottle. Dipping his pen he scribbled into his notepad, before he ripped the page out and shoved the paper into Evan’s hand. Craig capped the ink and carefully stored it away. “After a month send things to the address I just gave you.”

“But-”

Tyler continued over Evan’s objections, “I’ll send a message to my mother, she sends me letters every week and I get them when we dock. I’ll have her stick yours into her letters, it won’t be suspicious at all. She won’t mind, she loves you just as much.”

Evan trembled, “Tyl-” He swallowed, “Wildcat, you don’t know how much this means to me…”

Tyler grinned, “Just make sure you write her a few sweet words a week as well.”

Evan nodded, “Of course, thank you.” He smiled widely.

Craig cleared his throat to catch their attention, “Don’t forget that I’m still here too.” He muttered.

They chuckled in response, Tyler throwing an arm around his shoulders and pulled the shorter into his side. Craig smiled at the action before his eyes met with Evan’s amused expression and he quickly looked away.

Tyler pulled Evan into a group hug, their last one, undisturbed by Evan’s heavy satchel digging into their sides before Evan was pulling away and backing down the ramp from the top deck to the dock. “Goodbye,” he farewelled.

“We know you don’t believe in those.” Tyler replied easily to which both Evan and Craig smiled at.

“I know.” And then Evan was walking away, not turning back. Evan never was one to turned back, always moving forward.

Craig clutched at Tyler's side with shaking hands which Tyler noticed, but neither said nor did anything to acknowledge it. This was greeted with just as much silent appreciation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	3. “You could die.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“What was your name again?”_
> 
> _“Vanoss.”_
> 
> _The blond grinned, “I’m Felix, but many just call me Pewds.”_
> 
> _Evan gave an acknowledging nod, “Interesting choices.”_

Evan instantly remembers why he hated Fermildin again when he’s roughly shoved out of the way by some random gent.

The main reason was because of the amazingly busy streets, for such a small town. The other was with how incredibly rude and crowding the inhabitants were because of such dense populous.

It was like they completely forgot what personal space meant as they lived through life as a Fermildin resident.

Evan can find some understanding in the facts, but just couldn’t stop the irritation from bubbling up inside him with each person who either shoved him out of the way, or brushed past him in a way of ignoring the way it could be perceived as intimate or intimidating.

He was on a thin thread, ready to snap at the next man who laid hands on him, when he finally spotted a glimpse of tall boats in the distance. Something warm and suffocating flooded his system at a sudden memory flitted past his mind's eye - one of the _Delirious Army_ in her proud and beautiful glory; all worn edges and soft colors, but severe in her commandeering of attention and power.

The image made Evan momentarily blind to the overwhelming physical sensory input, and became the one to push and shove as he rushed his way to the docks.

Evan felt high on excitement and adrenaline as he finally broke through the crowded streets and out onto the port, eyes falling over the strong and worn docks and equally so ships that found themselves tied to the wooden boardwalks.

The excitement started to fade as his eyes continued to search and search for the familiar ship that he spent his last two years of life on, but failed to find. Evan’s blood ran cold as the realization fell upon him that the ship wasn’t there.

The _Delirious Army_ and it’s crew just wasn’t docked at Fermildin’s shore like it was the first time around.

Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Evan tried to calm his suddenly panicked self. He had to remind himself that things just ran a little differently in this timeline then the last.

Yes, maybe he was just a bit early this time around - Evan did remember catching Delirious just on time the first round of things. Evan’s heart ached at the memory of Delirious’ laugh, before he was shaking it off.

Evan would just have to wait until there were either new rumors of the pirate captain’s whereabouts or until the man and his ship showed up.

At the thought, Evan felt needlessly dejected.

After watching the man bleed out and die in his arms, Evan was more than ready to overshadow that recollection with a live and well Delirious.

Even if this was all some messed up afterlife, or near-death subconscious hallucination, he wanted more than anything, to see a moving, breathing, salubrious Delirious.

There was nothing to do here, though, Evan knew, as he scanned the docks and ships once more. Instead, he should be finding some or any information he could from the locals.

So, Evan jumped on that, pivoting away from the blue ocean waves he so desperately yearned for in his bones, and quickly shoved his way back into the crowds on his side mission for more intelligence.

It was hours later, the sun barely setting, when he found himself in the town tavern.

Evan had known the owner, but as he eyed the young man with bright blond hair and eyes a lighter shade of blues than Delirious’ work the bar and serve the tables with vicious amounts of energy and sufficiency, Evan felt that wasn’t the case anymore.

It was confirmed as the man smiled wide at him and offered the glass of whiskey Evan requested, “I remember you. My father wasn’t pleased that you didn’t show up before he passed.”

Evan allowed a moment of grief when a close of his eyes before opening them and casting the feelings aside for later, “I regret that I wasn’t informed of his passing before now.”

The young man continued to smile, nonchalantly waving away his apologizes, “It’s nothing, he understood. You and your obligations and such. I do believe you’ve changed since the last time you were here, however.”

A bitter smile passed his lips as Evan hid it behind a sip of whiskey, “I believe so too.”

A surprised laugh jumped from the blonds throat, “Yes, definitely a different person. You’ve never acknowledged small talk or conversation unless it was those cryptic short sentence or one worded colloquies I witnessed you have with my father.”

“Your father was a hard man to ignore.”

A glimmer of amusement flashed through the bartenders blue orbs, “Yes, yes he was.”

A call from down the bar had the young man quickly on his toes and answering drunken pleas and demands. The blond was back to Evan, who was almost finished with his drink, in a short few minutes with a sigh and a new glimmer of interest in his eyes.

“What was your name again?”

“Vanoss.”

The blond grinned, “I’m Felix, but many just call me Pewds.”

Evan gave an acknowledging nod, “Interesting choices.”

“Only the best! Now, tell me, what gave you a change of heart? You’re a completely different person from the man we encountered on the navy’s last visit to Fermildin.”

If only he knew.

Evan felt a spark of amusement, “I realized something not to long ago,” he murmured, honey orbs trailing the swirl of his whiskey in its glass confides. Evan’s mind flashed to rain, crimson ichor, a ear splitting ringing, and a sudden icy coldness that spread with velvety ease throughout his body - the mental impression making him lose his focus of the physical exertions of his smile and a greyness cloud his eyes. He came back to himself with a blink, turning to Felix with a quirk of his lips, “And now I plan to take on that realization.”

The blond took in Evan with contemplative blues, before he shook his head in something short of disbelief, “I swear you’re a flip side of a coin. Father was right about you, though. Wish he could see you know - all expressive and… _passive_.”

Evan blinked and then grinned widely to an eyebrow raised Felix, when he thought back on who he was the last time he visited Fermildin, “Passive, huh? Should I start slipping in some threats?”

Felix snorted, “Wouldn’t be the same.”

“It wouldn’t be, would it?” Evan asked, more to himself than to Felix as the young man passed him another whiskey.

Felix gave a smile, “Now, why don’t you tell me why you find yourself back here in crummy old Fermildin.”

A short pause and then Evan was sighing, “Waiting on someone to show up.”

Both of Felix’s eyebrow shot up, “A date?”

Evan huffed a laugh, “No - no, not a date.” A warm fuzzy feeling spread through his insides at the thought which he instantly faught to crush, “No, just a friend.”

“You, friends?” Felix smirked, “Never thought to live to see the day you admit to having attachments or _friends_.”

Rolling his eyes, Evan ignored the jab, “He’s pretty well known around here, I think.”

Felix’s eyebrows rose again, and Evan was sure they might get stuck like that by the time they ended this ‘catching up’ business, “‘He’?” Felix repeated, “You never said anything about a _he_!”

“I never mentioned anything about a _she_ either, nor did I mention anything about a date, but you assumed about that as well.”

Felix lifted his hands in mock surrender, “Aye, aye, I gotchya. Just tell me about this well known friend of yours - there’s a lot of fells around here known by name.”

“My friends a pirate.”

“Ah, so not the good sort.”

Evan rolled his eyes, “You could say that.”

“Well? Who is it?”

“He goes by Delirious.” Evan didn’t quite recognize the sudden pause of almost half the noise around him, “Well, _H2O_ Delirious, but…” He trailed off as he met Felix’s wide eyed blue gaze and skin pallor. “…is something wrong?”

Even the men on either side of Evan’s seat were sudden very silent and still as he looked to Felix for some answers.

“Are you trying to be funny?” Felix asked, throat bobbing in a thick swallow.

“No,” Evan said, furrowing his eyebrows, “I came to meet Delirious and-”

And of course, in this timeline, they weren’t exactly friends. Not yet, but still.

“Vanoss, you said your name was, right - I’m bad at names - but you can’t exactly throw that name around, well, _anywhere_.”

Evan straightened his sitting posture, “What do you mean?”

Felix, besides the blood drained from his face, now looked uncomfortable and paranoid as he gave a cursory look around before leaning closer to Evan to hiss, “That - that man is a fucking _nightmare_ , Vanoss. Either you’re really lucky or you’re to be disillusioned real fast.”

Evan snapped back in his seat, feeling not unlike someone who just got punched, “What-”

“A _nightmare_ ,” Felix repeated over him, “You should stay clear of that- that _thing_ ; he’ll destroy you.”

Evan trembled, fingers reflexively tightening around his whiskey glass. A nightmare? Delirious?

_A nightmare_?

He never heard rumors like this before, not once. Sure, Delirious got the ‘disgusting, filthy pirate’, comment or the ‘thief’ accusation, but never something so negative as a _nightmare_.

A glance at the shifty uncomfortable eavesdroppers around him and the really pale Felix before him and - and they looked absolutely petrified at the mention of Delirious. Like Delirious was a totally different person.

And then it hit him.

This _was_ a totally different person. Delirious, Tyler, Craig, even SeaNanners, Felix here, and Felix’s mentioned father - they were all totally different people.

They weren’t the same.

Delirious the friend, and Delirious the supposed nightmare; they were two completely different persons.

Swallowing a lump in his throat, Evan drained the rest of his whiskey in a large gulp. “Fuck,” he snipped to himself, “Looks like I’ve got my work cut out for me.”

Felix frowned, bit his lip before sighing, “Look, I don’t know what the hell you’ve got yourself into, but its late and I’m sure you’ve got nowhere to go. Wait until I close this place up and I’ll take you to a room.”

Evan vaguely heard him, but nodded anyway as the young man placed another glass of whiskey in front of him.

With shaky fingers, Evan grasped at the drink.

He doesn’t know if things will be okay anymore - and that thought terrifies him more than anything.

The next morning, Evan find himself walking back into the barroom, spotting Felix easily as the blond moved to wipe down tables and bar surfaces while taking inventory of the alcohol left on the shelves.

Felix catches Evan’s figure in the middle of the room and grins, “Morning.”

“Good morning, thanks for the room.”

Felix waved away the sentiment, “Just be grateful that the old man isn’t here. Otherwise, you may have found yourself sleeping outside on the cobblestones.”

Evan huffed a laugh, “I’ll take what I can get, then.”

Felix seemed amused until his grin was gone and he was silently taking in Evan’s person again. “I think you need to seriously think about this thing you have with - with… _that person_.”

Felix couldn’t even say Delirious’ name.

“I need to meet with Delirious,” Evan said, “I plan on being part of his crew.”

Felix’s eyes looked to pop out of his head, “Part of his crew!? Are you _crazy_?”

“Yes, but it’s important.”

“Important? Your _life_ is more important than anything that could be defined as _important_ among that ship.”

Delirious’ life was more important, but Evan kept that to himself.

“I mean, you probably have good reason, you’re part of the navy for gods sake, but you couldn’t possibly be suicidal enough to end up confronting that - that _monster_.”

Monster.

Evan had to take a deep breath at the instant pressure that filled his chest. Felix was obviously terrified of Delirious, even if Evan couldn’t comprehend that thought - but just because Evan couldn’t believe it, didn’t mean Felix wasn’t entitled to his own thoughts and feelings.

The blond probably has a good reason to why he feared Delirious, Evan just had to figure it out and fix what could be a misunderstanding.

_Could_ , he reminded himself. A different timeline, a different man - for all Evan could know, Delirious was exactly what all these people said he was.

Some nightmare that brought with him a sea of fear and authority; some - some monster that could easily take life without thought or feeling.

Evan willed those thoughts away quickly.

This was still just the beginning, he had a long time to make right certain wrongs and to help guide darkness in the way of the light.

He hopes.

Not too long ago, Evan himself was the wrong Delirious had to right and even the light to Evan’s darkness.

Maybe Evan wasn’t even supposed to be here - would he end up breaking certain things that could lead to Delirious’ death once more?

This time on accident?

Would Evan’s knowledge of certain - more uncertain as time bleeds on - events be the result of whether Delirious lives or dies?

All these dilemmas were giving him a headache and now that he focus on Felix once more, he notes that he’s also been giving the blond something more to worry over.

“Sorry,” Evan apologizes, rubbing insistently at his temple, “Just got lost in thought.”

After a pause, Felix hesitantly speaks, “Are you sure that going through with this ‘ _meeting up with - with_ that _guy_ ’ is something you want?”

Evan sighed, “It’s something I need to do. I don’t expect you to understand, and that’s alright. In the end, even if it’s all I can do, I have to try.”

Felix frowned, “You could die.”

“And I’m okay with that,” Evan says, eyes boring into Felix’s figure this time around, “I’m okay with that.”

The young man did not look any more pleased at that admission, but reluctantly gave a short nod, lips tugged down in something severe, but silent in his grudging acceptance.

“Thanks, Pewds.”

“My father would have your ass right about now.”

Evan gave a clipped laugh, “I’m sure he would, but I’m serious Pewds; thank you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Felix grumbled, turning back to his cleaning with a more vigorous scrub than before. There was a softness to his eyes though that made Evan feel a little better about putting the blond in a rough spot so early in the morning.

“Well, I’ll be back shortly,” Evan announced, moving towards the door, “Gonna go check the docks.”

Felix didn’t turn to him, but Evan could see the minute stiffening in the young man’s shoulders, “Behave.”

“Always have,” Evan replied, before bounding out the door and into the crisp morning air of an early fall.

Pushing and shoving his way through the crowded streets, he found himself on the port one more.

And he was just as disappointed and dejected as the first time around when he spotted no new ships nor the very familiar, beautiful, presence of the one and only _Delirious Army_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	4. “Don’t ever show your face to me again."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Evan barely recognized his path, but suddenly he was standing on the port, eyes instantly stuck on the_ Delirious Army _in all her beautiful glory. A little more beat up than he remembered and a little more sun bleached, but it was still_ her _. And she was freaking gorgeous._

“What’ll you do if he doesn’t show?”

Evan looked up to meet curious cerulean eyes. He shrugged in response, the whiskey he’s been holding onto for the past hour sloshed in his glass as he looked down at it, “Find him.”

Felix raised an eyebrow, “Find him, huh?”

“Yeah, sometimes rumors hold more truth than you’d think. I’ll follow him around the world if I have to; I’ll find him.”

There was a pause, “Why?”

“Because he’s important. He’s important to me for reasons you wouldn’t understand.”

A frown tugged the blonds lips down, “That nightmare-”

“Saved my life. I plan to repay that favor in whatever means necessary.”

A flitting look of disbelief crossed the young man’s face, “Saved your life, did he?”

A short sigh, and Evan was clearing his throat, “As a matter of fact, he did. He’s the reason why I’m standing here right now and the reason for my ‘ _change of heart_ ’.”

Felix sighed, “I can’t quite believe that.”

“And I don’t need you to, nor do I expect you to.”

“You’re a strange one.”

“I could say the same about you.”

A cheeky grin and Felix was off; answering another drunken demand and to clean a spilled drink.

The time passed slow as Evan sipped his first glass of whiskey until Felix was back, wiping out another glass with a thoughtful look passing over his face, “Is there really a chance that - that _that person_ is capable of saving life?”

Evan frowned, “Yes,” he said, a firmness to his voice that surprised him while a fluttering nervousness continued to eat at his insides.

Felix sighed, “Well, if you say that he saved you - then I’ll believe you. Though, I’m still gonna take a hike in any situation where he’s present.”

Evan quirked a smile, “Wouldn’t doubt it.”

Rolling his eyes, Felix turned to the shelf of alcohol behind him.

Suddenly, the doors to the busy pub were roughly slammed open. A man - a little more on the heavy side with wide eyes and sweat beading at his dirty forehead - made his way into the now suddenly very silent establishment. “They’re here!” he cried.

A flip of the coin reaction, everyone started to buzz in whispered conversation and hidden - but obvious - panic. Many got up to flee, pushing past the man who was quick to warn the place that ‘ _they’re here_ ’ and the man followed them out; most likely to warn others about whoever is now here.

Shooting Felix an inquiring look, he paused as the blonds face drained of color once more, fingers only slightly trembling as they continued to work the glass in his hands already cleaned. The action was obviously trying to be tightly controlled, and Evan’s experience was probably the only reason he noticed it.

“Who’s they?”

Felix snapped his gaze to Evan’s, eyes dark in worry and barely concealed fear. He swallowed, “That’s your _friend_.”

Evan blinked, feeling a knot of anxiety settle itself in his stomach. It’s been four days since he arrived in Fermildin, almost ready to go and find somewhere else to start his search for Delirious. Felix has been keeping good care of him and put up with his nonsense fairly well. Evan quite liked the boy.

The young man did not look very comfortable right about now though, as he shifted and moved, fixing and re-fixing perceived skewed glasses and bottles - his face pale and carefully blank.

The tavern had lost half of it’s busy, and now the room was a low whisper of conversation and silent contemplation of once drunk but now very sober individuals at the call of warning. A glance around and even Evan was starting to get peeved at the great shift in atmosphere.

Delirious did this.

Just the mention of Delirious and his crew being here and the busy and almost suffocating town was instantly subdued. Evan frowned, “Wait, so Delirious is here?”

Evan couldn’t help the warmth that unwillingly started to spread through him, his fingers tingling at the prospect of _Delirious_. He felt a twinge of guilt at the look Felix gave him, something mixed of fear, anger, and concern, but it didn’t quell the excitement.

“Yes,” Felix bit out, “However, I suggest you do not out right approach him - he’s _dangerous_. Keep that in mind; _dangerous_. Do you hear me?”

Evan nodded, downing the rest of his whiskey before standing up on ecstatic wobbling legs. He gave a meaningful glance at Felix, “Thank you, Pewds, I hear you. I’ll be careful, I promise.”

Felix still did not look relieved, but he reluctantly swallowed any other words; instead gave a sharp nod and pivoted around to face his shelves.

Evan was out the door within second, face heating in a mix of anxiety, excitement and wonder.

He was going to see Delirious - Delirious who bled out in his arms, Delirious who couldn’t even say his last words over the gurgled mess of a blood filled mouth, Delirious who grew cold and still, Delirious who couldn’t open his eyes anymore - he was going to see a very _alive_ Delirious.

Evan barely recognized his path, but suddenly he was standing on the port, eyes instantly stuck on the _Delirious Army_ in all her beautiful glory. A little more beat up than he remembered and a little more sun bleached, but it was still _her_. And she was freaking gorgeous.

A sharp intake of breath and he was rushing to the ship.

There was so many things wrong with this - he was in a different timeline, rushing towards an _unknown_ water vessel with intentions of boarding, the crew did not know him even though he knew them - he would get himself into unnecessary trouble this way.

He didn’t have to think much more about it however, when he found himself running into someone on the dock, the impact enough to have him sprawling on the ground with the air punched from his lungs.

He distantly heard some odd amount of coins clink and ping their way over the cement area as they scattered. He froze, sucking in a deep breath before blinking his eyes open to rest on two figures.

One in blue, the other in red.

Evan swallowed thickly as he quickly sat up, pausing at the way his thoughts sudden fuzzed up and bounced uncoordinated around the inside of his skull. Once he could think straight, he opened his eyes again - wondering when he closed them - to stare up at the person he ran into.

Blue sweater; Evan’s eyes widened in recognition.

Too many things were happening inside of him - a blooming warmth and a racing heart; rampant memories of rain, blood, ringing, pain; overload of just so many feelings - that Evan froze.

That was Delirious’ mask. Those were Delirious’ clothes. The height was a little taller, but that mess of hair was definitely Delirious’.

He sucked in a breath, sharp and cutting against his throat when he met Delirious’ eyes.

They were blue, they were ocean blue - but those were _not_ Delirious’ eyes.

These eyes were cold, frozen dark oceans, a storm underneath tightly laced ice of indifference and apathy.

A strained silence fell over them, and Evan watched with bated breath as Delirious took a step towards him and then slowly crouched down in front of him. Those dark eyes never left Evan’s; holding him on a knife's edge - silent, cutting, deadly.

With equally slow movements, he picked up an almost forgotten coin that Evan vaguely realizes might have been his; those coins he heard moments before probably came from his own pockets.

Evan’s eyes snapped from the coin back to Delirious’ eyes, but the man only seemed to have been looking _through_ him than _at_ him.

In his peripheral vision, Evan could see the coin being leisurely rolled around in Delirious’ hand, fingers just as long and nimble as he remembered them to be; delicate and graceful, something to be admired.

“You should watch where you’re walking,” a voice drawled, and Evan almost closed his eyes to take a moment and savor the rich tones. It was deeper than he remembered, but it was still Delirious’ voice. Evan swallowed at the rush of lightness that spread through his body with an ease unparalleled to anything else he’s ever felt.

Evan didn’t realize that he was unintentionally leaving Delirious in silence until the man was narrowing frosted eyes at him. “I, um,” Evan paused to collect himself for just a second, “I apologize.”

The man blinked, leaning slightly back on his heels while in his crouching form in front of Evan. Delirious looked very unimpressed.

“I have inconvenienced you,” Evan said, those eyes doing something to him that made him feel like he needed to address Delirious as formally as possible. Something inside Evan twisted violently. Never before has Delirious made him feel like he was inferior to him - never before has Delirious forced superiority over Evan. Now he was staring up at indifferent eyes that cut into him and made him freeze, “I hope there is something I can do to make up for it.”

Delirious’ eyes flashed, his fingers twitching around the coin in his hand, clenching the object into his fist. “Yes, you can.” Evan blinked openly at the man, “Don’t ever show your face to me again.” Without warning, the coin was flicked into Evan’s face and Delirious was standing up.

Evan flinched, the humiliation that was probably supposed to result from that action was shoved to the back of his mind upon hearing the coin clatter onto the cement once again. He rushed up onto his feet when he realized that Delirious and his company were already leaving.

“Wait!”

They both froze.

Evan sucked in another deep breath, waiting as Delirious turned back to him pain sakingly slow. The man in red at his side did as well and Evan realized that this whole time, it was CaRtOoNz by Delirious’ side. However, underneath the man’s usual stoic mask, there was a hesitant undertone of worry and concern. Sliding his gaze back to Delirious confirmed why.

Delirious’ eyes were narrowed into cold furious blue slits, figure tense and straight. He looked menacing, frigid - deadly - as he made his way back to Evan with tightly controlled anger.

“I thought I made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with you,” Delirious hissed, voice sharp.

Evan himself straightened quickly, alarm flashing through his veins; this was not Delirious. At least, this was not _his_ Delirious. This Delirious was a predator, one that bit and hissed - one that fought like it was cornered and held no remorse after everything was said and done.

This man hunted because he _could_ , not because he had to.

Evan mind was haywire, trying to rationalize and compartmentalize, and then it was pinning together parallels and connections between this man and his ex-captain SeaNanners. A shiver ran down his spine at the unprompted comparisons and tried to lock those thoughts away.

It was in vein, but he continued to try.

“Delirious,” CaRtOoNz called, voice steady, but gentle.

Delirious completely ignored his right hand man as he stepped close to Evan, eyes dark and stormy as they observed and calculated, “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

Evan blinked, “I’m Vanoss.”

A hand shot out to fist itself into the front collar of Evan’s shirt, roughly dragging him closer to the pirate captain, “Do you have a death wish?”

“I have a wish, but not for death,” Evan answered calmly, even though he could feel the warmth of Delirious’ body pressed close to his - his insides skirming in something short of happiness.

Evan heard the distinct noise of teeth grinding, almost making him wince, before Delirious was spitting out, “Are you trying to be funny with me?”

“I am being _honest_. Isn’t that what people respect most in one another?”

“Delirious,” CaRtOoNz said again more firmly.

“I should get going actually,” Evan continued, watching those blue eyes flicker in thought, “I came here to see what all the sudden fuss was about - seeing as I’m not entirely familiar with the area - but I promised my friend I’d get back to him soon.” He added after a beat, “ _Safely_.”

Delirious let go of him, spitefully pushing Evan back in the process as he unbunched the clothing in his fist. “You should really watch who you get yourself involved with,” Delirious growled, “You may get hurt.”

Evan gave a bitter smile, “I wouldn’t care, but I guess I should give the same sentiment. Thanks.”

Delirious’ face was carefully wiped blank as Evan walked passed him. There was utter silence again before Evan was shoving himself through the crowds, heart beating out of his chest as he realized what just went down.

That was Delirious, but that wasn’t him either.

Evan swallowed against the bile that tried to rise out of his throat at the thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	5. "Sounds like a pretty dry guy."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Felix was so fucking wrong because there was no way Evan was lucky, standing here getting stared down by the very man who was ready to murder him out right just from their first meeting not that long ago._

Evan was nervously pacing the front of the bar, hands gripped tightly behind his back, and shoulders tense in straight posture. He worried his bottom lip, tasting iron and metal on his tongue that he conveniently ignored. Listening to the background murmur, a stark contrast to the usual loud clamour, made Evan’s insides twist a little more nauseating.

“Vanoss,” he heard Felix call, voice a sigh and more concerned than the last time he tried to get Evan’s attention.

Evan swallowed a lump in his throat, pausing only a second to run a shaky hand through his hair before starting up another harsh pace of repeated pacing.

“Vanoss.”

Evan’s lungs hitched, hearing now a low buzz of noise that started to drown out the background hum of the establishment.

The sound of heavy rain.

“Vanoss,” Felix tried and Evan finally snapped around to face him.

“What?” He hissed, “What? I- I’m trying to think.”

Felix was not impressed, face carefully wiped clean as he sighed, “You’re making everyone tense, Vanoss. Sit down, have a drink or something.”

Evan felt like yelling, screaming, pulling his hair out, but Felix was helping him forget the sound of the rain - rain that wasn’t actually there. He reluctantly thumped himself down onto a stool, eyes wide and blinking as they hazily took in Felix’s smooth movements around the back of the bar.

“I told you that he wasn’t what you thought.”

“I had to try,” Evan bit out. “I had to. I have a duty, an- an obligation to him, always.”

Felix took him in with muddled blue orbs, so different, but so close to what _his_ Delirious’ eyes were. What Delirious’ eyes were _supposed_ to be. The thought had his fingers spasming as they reached for the glass of whatever Felix slid to him. “I don’t understand how.”

“I failed him. I failed him once, I have to make up for it, but- but that’s…” Evan sucked in a deep breath before swallowing down his drink. “ _That can’t be him_.”

Felix no longer looked worried; now he looked sympathetic. _Pitying_.

Fuck that.

“Stop. Stop looking at me like that.” Evan muttered, “I don’t need you feeling _sorry_ for me. I knew that what I wanted may not really be true, but Del-Delirious is just so different than what I’m use to. It-” _It scares me_.

He swallowed, opting to not finish, but Felix looked to understand, watching him with reckoning eyes.

“He didn’t recognize you?”

Evan wanted to laugh at that, a hollow empty laugh that bubbled and died in his throat at the question. Even if he was so lucky, if there was some miraculous chance that Delirious was here like how Evan was here, _that was definitely crushed into dust_.

That was not _his_ Delirious, and no - Delirious did not recognize him, because they’ve never met in this timeline.

This Evan that Evan is now inhabiting and that Delirious would know nothing of the other, and even if Evan knew everyone else, they knew nothing of him.

The thought was alienating.

A suffocating loneliness and heartache that made his skin tingle with a coldness so painful it _burned_.

“No,” Evan felt his energy drain, as he slumped over the bar and his generously refilled drink, “He didn’t recognize me, but I shouldn’t have expected anything less from him, ey?” He gave a bitter smile.

“I don’t understand why you’re so invested in this.”

“It looks like you don’t understand a lot of things,” Evan snapped.

Felix raised an eyebrow at him, “Calm down. Drink a little something and then maybe things will clear up a little.” Evan took a sip this time around, “Now, tell me what happened.”

Evan frowned, lips heavy at the corners as he rolled his glass around in his hands, “I ran into him, on the docks. He and CaR- his right hand man.” Evan blinked down at the amber liquid that swished with the sway of the glass, “He’s as hard as a fucking cement wall, I found myself the only one sprawled on my ass.”

Felix’s eyes were wide when Evan met them with his own, “You- literally?”

Evan quirked a half smile, “Yeah, ran right into him; you can imagine he wasn’t too pleased by that. All my coins scattered like glass. He threatened me, tried to give me a scare. Didn’t work too well, but I guess he wanted to keep himself calm more than he wanted to strangle me. CaRtO- uh, his right hand sounded to be working in my favor too, but I think he was just bored and wanted to leave without dealing with a mess.”

Felix was looking more and more disbelieving, “I can’t tell if you're messing with me, or just really fucking lucky.”

Evan faked a grin, “Lucky or not, I still got a taste of Mean Delirious.”

“I suppose you did,” Felix sighed, turning his back to Evan and his attention to the alcohol. “Did he say anything to you? Besides the threats?”

Evan gave an amused huff, bringing his glass to rest on his bottom lip, “Yeah, ‘ _Don’t ever show your face to me again_.’ It wasn’t very sweet.” He took a larger sip then he meant to.

Felix visibly shivered, “That _was_ sweet for him,” he muttered.

Evan smiled, “Then I'll take what I can get.”

Felix turned to him with angry eyes and hissed through tight, pale lips, “I don't think you _understand_ the situation.”

A coldness spread through him and he lost his lighthearted countenance, staring dark brown eyes into worried blues, “Of course I do, Pewds. I’ve spent my whole life recognizing a killers gaze in my own reflection. I understand well what Delirious is and what he's capable of.” Evan let a sardonic smile lift the corners of his lips this time, “Doesn’t mean I care much. I’m still gonna do what I’ve set out to do.”

Felix said nothing, and with an exhaustion in the line of his shoulders, set himself to work. He didn't make any attempts to make conversation with Evan again.

After a few hours, the sun slowly disappearing behind the horizon, Evan pushed his glass to Felix. The young man looked puzzled until Evan moved to stand. “Where are you going?”

The cautious tone made Evan feel a little bad, but he only gave a smile in return, ”For a walk?”

Felix frowned, “Be safe.”

He obviously had more to say, but he quickly turned back to his work.

Evan took his leave.

Hands in his pocket, Evan sucked in the bitingly cold air. Fall was closing in fast, and it was one of Evan’s favorite times, but he still remembers the way Delirious - _his_ Delirious - use to bask in the warm thaw of spring. The thought made him smile and lightly kick a pebble in his path.

Looking up from his feet, Evan found himself on the docks. His heart twisted in his chest and he swallowed down his chaotic mess of emotions at the sight of the _Delirious Army_.

Memories bubbled up at the recollection of her sun bleached wood and the phantom feel of her splintered slivers piercing themselves underneath the skin on his hands.

Or his back when Delirious would push him down at their favored spot on the upper deck under the cover of night and-

“Who are you?”

Evan pivoted around, fingers clamping around the hidden dagger strapped to his waist. His eyes fell on red clothes and a familiar face that only made part of him relax and the other flare in alarm. He unclasped his hold on the dagger and internally sighed - no matter what form of CaRtOoNz threatened him, Evan would never be able to harm the man.

“I’m Vanoss. We didn't meet _that_ long ago,” Evan responded, hands laying bare at his sides as a show of no ill intent.

The man did not look impressed, “You know that wasn’t what I asked.”

Evan quirked a smile, “I do.” He confirmed, turning to face Delirious’ ship with his back to CaRtOoNz. Another attempt to show some trust. It could either result in something terrible or something good. “But I don't know what you want me to say.”

There were footsteps, calm but practiced and even; Evan couldn't help but tense at the sound that could maybe lead to his death or not. He was majorly relieved when he saw CaRtOoNz come to stand by his side from the corner of his peripheral vision.

Evan wasn't dead yet, that was a good enough sign.

“You're familiar with Delirious.”

Evan grinned, “Thought I knew him,” he said honestly.

CaRtOoNz furrowed his eyebrows, and Evan knew the man was confused. CaRtOoNz from his original timeline had lived by Delirious’ side since they were small, Evan could only assume that this was the same for this CaRtOoNz and Delirious.

“We don't know you.”

“I wouldn't expect you too,” Evan murmured.

“Are you messing with me?” CaRtOoNz turned to him with narrowed eyes and pressed straight lips.

Evan shook his head, “I wouldn't dare.”

Calculating dark eyes swept Evan's form, “Delirious wasn’t pleased with your stunt earlier.”

“I was not trying to get in his way, I was lost in thought - memories and such.”

“He doesn't care for excuses.”

Evan shrugged, “Neither do I.” He turned his gaze to stare CaRtOoNz straight in the eye, “But I do like explanations.”

That earned him a raised eyebrow, “Delirious doesn't care for _anything_.” The man corrected himself.

“Sounds like a pretty dry guy.”

CaRtOoNz was amused, “He could slit your throat quicker then you could say that to his face.”

Evan causally shrugged, “I wouldn’t mind.”

A bark of laughter made Evan flinch, before he turned to CaRtOoNz, “That's a first I've never heard.”

“I’m full of them,” Evan said, a small smile curling his lips.

“I'm sure,” the man answered and a silence fell over them.

Evan looked back to the _Delirious Army_ and his smile widened. “She's beautiful.”

CaRtOoNz hummed, raising another eyebrow at him, but nonetheless agreeing, “Yes, she is. I am assuming you mean the _Delirious Army_.”

“Who else?”

CaRtOoNz didn't respond, but he did straighten his posture.

“Do you always have extended conversations with people who your captain just met and wanted nothing more than to strangle?”

CaRtOoNz blinked, “No.”

Evan smirked, “So I’m special?”

“You were conveniently standing before our ship.”

Evan made a contemplative noise, “Sounds about right.”

“The same way we met you the first time around.” _Suspiciously_ was implied without CaRtOoNz having to say it.

“Just wanted to admire a gorgeous sea vessel. The first time ‘round I was interrupted.”

A pause and the shift of the man's feet was loud in relation to the abnormal quiet night and silent town.

“Delirious was not pleased with you,” he finally said; a reiteration of a past statement, “You’d do well to keep away from him. You're not half bad,” and then CaRtOoNz was walking away - towards the _Delirious Army_ and her reverent glory.

Evan froze in place before a slow grin took over his face.

It was dark and the cold was numbing, but Evan felt something warm flood his insides again.

CaRtOoNz just said he liked him - and that was an even better sign than the last.

Maybe he did have a chance.

The thought made him laugh as he turned to head back.

His eyes landed on another person. He froze - previously warm emotions turned cold at the sight of normally royal blue clothing turned navy in the dark of night.

He swallowed thickly at the sight of the mask and the way the man held himself ramrod straight.

Felix was so fucking wrong because there was no way Evan was lucky, standing here getting stared down by the very man who was ready to murder him out right just from their first meeting not that long ago.

“Um… hello,” Evan said.

Delirious was dead silent. And then he was taking a step forward and then another.

Evan swallowed a lump in his throat, standing tense and nervous as his thoughts scattered.

He was probably gonna die here. Die by Delirious - and wouldn't that just be fucking ironic. The very man that saved him would now end him; never mind the fact that technically this Delirious was a different person from Evan's Delirious.

He was so close that Evan could almost smell him now, and god, did Evan want that. One last hint of familiarity before he was floating his ass out in the night sky again with the stupid film of… whatever it was.

Would he be doomed to repeat this mess again?

Was this some afterlife torment?

To die and then be “born" once more into a timeline similar, but slightly different then his very first?

He was the reason Delirious died - maybe this was Evan’s punishment.

Evan couldn't bring himself to hate it.

He deserved to rot in hell for what he did to Delirious, to _burn_ ; if this was the next best thing, then so be it.

With blue eyes locked on his brown ones, Evan sucked in a deep breath and he smiled. There; the scent of the fresh ocean waves and sun warmed skin. The smell of a not too light nor too harsh breeze and a hint of laughter. Blinking, Evan realized Delirious stopped just short of him - his scent was exactly as Evan remembered, but meeting those sharp, frozen orbs, Evan was stricken by how _wrong_ it was.

_His_ Delirious was a warm summer day, and this one, _this_ Delirious was a cold winter's night.

It wasn’t right, Evan felt, that this frigid man held a part of someone so precious. Even if it was a comfort to Evan, something that helped show that maybe the Delirious he knew and this one weren't so different after all. Maybe they were similar people, underneath all of this man’s ice and walls.

Maybe they were the same.

Evan swallowed again and then suddenly he realized he was alone. A quick glance around and it was confirmed, Delirious was gone and he was alone. He was alive.

This whole time Evan lost himself in an inner monologue and the man was gone.

A strangled noise left his lips that sounded suspiciously like a laugh. Evan closed his eyes, feeling a whole wave of emotion batter against his heart.

God, he was an idiot. For sure.

Taking a deep breath, Evan opened his eyes and let a grin pull his mouth open.

He slipped his hands into his pockets and headed back to Felix’s tavern.

Tonight was a good night, Evan supposes.

His smile kept, even as he sat down at the bar again, skin tingling at the reintroduced warmth. Felix glanced at him and turned away before pausing and quickly turning back to Evan.

A small uncertain frown was on the young man's mouth as he eyed Evan's grin, “...What?”

Evan let out another small laugh, letting it trail out to a relieved sigh, “You were right.”

Felix blinked, eyebrows furrowing, “Um, right about what?”

“I _am_ lucky.”

Felix’s eyebrows shot up, “Oh?”

Evan rested his chin on his hand, elbow supported on the table, “For all the threats he made, Delirious didn't actually go through with any of them.”

Blue eyes, different than both Delirious’ of before and Delirious’ of now, just about popped out of the bartenders skull, “ _What_?”

“I unintentionally stumbled upon one pirate captains path, um, for the second time in one day and just hours after our _first_ not-good meeting and… Well, I’m still alive.” Evan mused, “I'd say that's pretty lucky.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	6. "My right to life is a flimsy piece of paper."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Remember what I said about that place where I use to live? Very strict and such?” He paused, teeth gnawing into the tender flesh of his bottom lip, eyes meeting Felix’s suddenly confused ones, “I ran away.”_

“You’re telling me you ran into _him_ again,” Felix asked.

Evan smiled, “Yeah. After I talked with CaR- um, his right hand man.”

Felix raised an eyebrow, “I swear you’re making this up.”

“Would I do that?”

Sky blue eyes rolled, “I don’t know Vanoss, you tell me.” He walked away to cater to the other patrons, but was back a moment later to slide a glass of amber liquid in front of Evan. Evan smiled in thanks as he gratefully took up the offered drink.

“You want me to believe,” Felix started again after a brief pause, disbelief ringing in his tone, “That you chatted up the man who always stands at _that_ guy’s side - and then had a run in with the man _himself_ \- without incident.”

“And with my life intact,” Evan added.

Feliix frowned, “Bullshit.”

“I would believe him.”

A new voice, but one Evan recognized instantly while Felix tensed and snapped his gaze to a man who slipped onto the barstool next to Evan.

Evan grinned, “Didn’t think I would see you so soon.”

“Thought I told you to make yourself scarce.”

With a shrug, Evan smirked and downed the rest of his drink, “I am.”

“So, this is that friend?” CaRtOoNz asked, nodding to Felix who was standing still and pale.

“Yeah, he’s sort of meek,” Evan said, giving a smile to the blond.

“I can see that.”

Felix swallowed, seemingly coming back to the present finally, “Um, would you like something?”

“Whatever he’s got,” he motioned to Evan.

“I thought you were glued to your captain,” Evan commented as Felix squirmed away to get the requested alcohol.

“Sometimes Delirious is forceful about his alone time.”

Evan snorted, “I could see that.”

Felix was back, sliding them both a drink as he gave a pointed look to Evan. _What the hell?_

Evan grinned, _Nothing to worry about._

Felix glared, but reluctantly trotted away to deal with his day of work.

“He didn’t seem too happy, you sure you’re friends?” CaRtOoNz raised an inquiring, however slightly amused, eyebrow.

“Yeah, he’s pretty forceful about my safety.” Evan said, “I haven’t many friends, but I would say that’s pretty friendly. Plus, he let’s me stay here without making me pay. Very supportive of getting me on my feet and out of his place, though.”

CaRtOoNz took to a contemplative silence for a few moments, “So you _are_ new here.”

“I wasn’t lying.”

“We couldn’t have known that,” the man said.

“I’m not good at lying anyway,” Evan murmured dryly, “I grew up in a very strict environment. Lying was punishable by death; no one tested it.” _He_ didn’t test it.

CaRtOoNz furrowed his eyebrows, “You could be lying now,” he pointed out.

Evan paused, “Huh, I suppose that could be true. Whatever you want to believe then,” he said, giving a small shrug.

CaRtOoNz stayed silent.

The hour passed away in a sort of content quiet while Felix periodically filled their glasses.

“Vanoss,” Felix called, seeming to forget that CaRtOoNz was there. His blue eyes landed on the man however, when he realized that Evan was in fact not alone yet and then paused.

“Yeah, Pewds?”

The blond swallowed, continuing reluctantly, “I was just wondering when you would be leaving…?”

Evan blinked. Leaving?

The quiet silence turned slightly tense as Evan shifted in his chair.

Felix was expecting Evan to leave now.

It made sense. Delirious of this timeline did not seem very willing to be in the same space as Evan, let alone willing to invite him onto his ship.

If he couldn’t join the _Delirious Army_ , Evan would have to literally make himself scarce.

He couldn’t go back to the Navy. After watching Delirious bleed out in his arms and die from Evan allowing the Navy to use him as their proxy; it would tear him apart.

It would feel like Evan was betraying the _Delirious Army_ all over again to go back to the _Chaos_.

So, no, the Navy was not an option.

He would have to either distract them, or making them believe he was dead - live life on the run.

Live life as a dead man.

“Vanoss,” Evan blinked, focusing on a worried Felix, “Vanoss, look, don’t even worry about it, okay? You can-”

“No, you’re right,” Evan muttered, swallowing the rest of his whiskey, “I’ll have to leave soon.”

“Where are you going?” CaRtOoNz spoke up, a hint of intrigue in his voice, and Evan turned to him. He almost forgot that the man was still here, and a glance to Felix said the young man was in the same boat. “I thought you were new here?”

Suddenly recognizing the question asked, Felix looked ready to panic, wild blue eyes meeting Evan’s calm ones. As far as the young man knew, Evan was still in the Navy - though technically he still was - so Evan could understand the mini, inner freak out Felix was having.

Evan held out his empty glass in silent question; Felix eagerly took it into his hands, but continued to stand there tense and worried.

“I am new here,” Evan confirmed, “But I can’t stay.”

“Why not?”

“Remember what I said about that place where I use to live? Very strict and such?” He paused, teeth gnawing into the tender flesh of his bottom lip, eyes meeting Felix’s suddenly confused ones, “I ran away.”

Felix was silent, eyes wide and wondering.

CaRtOoNz made a thoughtful noise, “I see. So you don’t have anywhere to go, do you?”

“Nope,” he chirped, falsely exuberant. “I have a whole world to see, I suppose.”

CaRtOoNz finally, after all this time, met his gaze. His eyes were just as calculating as before and just as dark, definitely guarded and steely, but now there was a hint of interest. It made something inside of Evan feel just a bit lighter.

If he could get CaRtOoNz to like him, maybe he can get through to Delirious.

It was a long shot, but it was a chance, and that’s all Evan needed.

“I suppose so,” CaRtOoNz said, placing his glass down, and then standing up, “Don’t get yourself killed.”

“See ya around,” Evan farewelled, ignoring the sudden exit of his drinking companion.

CaRtOoNz left.

Evan was now meeting a raised eyebrow and concerned sky blue eyes, and resisted the urge to sigh. Felix wouldn’t be letting this go, he knew.

“You never said that you were leaving the _Navy_ ,” Felix hissed under his breath. “Where are you going to go? What are you going to do-”

“Felix,” the use of the young man’s name surprised them both, but Evan continued on, “Look, I understand your panic, but this is the best option for me. Being part of the _Delirious Army_ would have been better, but I can’t stay with the _Chaos_ anymore.”

“Why change now?” Felix asked, frowning, “Wasn’t the Navy your whole life? Why now suddenly make a break for it? You can’t run forever-”

“They were going to kill me anyway,” Evan said. It was a partial truth, but nonetheless true. Either from his failed mission or when he refused to let them take Delirious’ life, they would have hung him. He was a dead man walking. The thought made an amused, somewhat morbid, smile quirk his lips, “I’ll run for however long I can. Preferably, I would have liked to be by Delirious’ side, but sometimes things change,” he gave a nonchalant shrug.

There was a silence, and Evan moved his gaze to meet Felix’s. He looked uncertain, sad, maybe a little angry, “You can stay here, for however long you need.”

Evan smiled, “Thank you, Pewds. It means a lot.”

“Why the fuck would they want to…” Felix couldn’t finish and ended up aggressively biting his bottom lip instead.

“There’s something you should know about me,” Evan said cautiously, thankful when the blond finally took the hint and gave him a fresh glass of alcohol. Taking a grecious sip, Evan thinks Felix gave him brandy this time around, “I’m not exactly, well… I’m not a free spirit, so to say. My right to life is a flimsy piece of paper. A contract for life; I either work loyally for the Navy, or die as a traitor.” Evan paused, “There are no exceptions.”

“To them, I am expendable. I am an advantage that can easily be left behind when favorable.” Evan murmured airily, “Literally, the only reason they wanted me to do this mission that requires me to be here is because in the end, they don’t plan on me going back.”

“And… the pirates will help… _how_?” Felix asked hesitantly.

“It would have given me more time, but that’s just a bonus,” Evan answered, “The Navy, as much as they like to pretend they are the strongest fleet and have nothing and no one to answer to, the _Delirious Army_ is a whole different story. The _Delirious Army_ is just as strong, if not stronger - why do you think they get away with so much? Apparently they have this town on lock down, but do you really think the Navy will come and challenge that?”

The blond frowned, “So there is no one to save us from them?”

Evan shook his head, not to confirm Felix question, but in disbelief, “Save you? I dare say that you are already saved. Take CaRtOoNz, um, Delirious’ right hand as an example; he was here not that long ago - did he threaten you? Make you feel uncomfortable, besides the already preconceived notions you have against those of his living?”

“That’s not fair-”

“What I’m trying to say,” Evan continued with a frown, “Is that, if Delirious and his group where the Navy, and the same line events happened as they did - I wouldn’t have came back last night from that second run in. The Navy isn’t great, they pull the wool over your eyes - make you like them, and then they stab you in the back,” Evan paused, swallowing down a lump in his throat.

For a second, he thought he could feel the wet pull of his cloth and the warm drench of thick crimson liquid wash over his skin. He shivered, fingers trembling as they raised his glass to his mouth, “I know what the Navy is really like behind closed doors, when noone is looking. I’ve lived with it my whole life, Pewds. The Navy do the things they do because no one questions them. They do as they please because they won’t be told they can’t. Your town is better off believing that the _Delirious Army_ is the tyrannical villain ruling here.”

The blond stayed quiet, no longer trying to continue the line of conversation.

Evan glanced up to meet his eyes, and recognized the uncertainty that swam in the young man’s blue orbs. They was still just as much disbelief as before, but at least there was some part of Felix that believed that maybe Evan was right.

Evan understood that Delirious was considered cruel, unfeeling - and the man he met definitely played the part - but Evan was still alive _and_ unharmed. That was proof enough for him that Delirious was better than anything the Navy could imply itself as.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I have to be honest, I sort of hated this chapter, and it's about 1,100 words below my minimum word count for my usual chapter length, but I'm already a bit behind on updates, so I'm deciding to go with it.
> 
> **My update schedule is changing to at least once per week for the time being.**
> 
> The reason for this is because I'm in my last leg of high school, and graduation is right around the corner. The teachers think this is a great time to pile more work and testing on top of the already pre-existing exam dump. That and I must make a lot of preparation for my graduation ceremony and family celebration. (Why did I have to end up with such a huge family? Haha).
> 
> Anyway, I apologize for the delays.
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	7. "We'll always be stronger than them."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Evan doesn’t remember much about Mark anymore, just the bits that Evan had deemed necessary as the person he was before he had met_ his _Delirious. Some stuff floats back here and there, but generally, Mark was but a glimmer of a distant life._

Evan was but an infant when the Navy killed his parents and took him in as their own. However, even as they nurtured and raised him - he knew, from the first moments he was able to think for himself and produce his own viable conclusions, that he was _different_ and _not accepted_ by them. The man who had vouched for Evan and took the defenseless thing he was under his wing was killed in an expedition during Evan’s fifth year of life.

No one wanted to take the effort to challenge the contract that allowed Evan to continue living under the protection of the Navy, but that didn’t stop the hate and the racial violence that ensued without the safety of the man they expected Evan to call ‘ _Father_ ’.

Evan wouldn’t say that Mark was a terrible man, he only did what he did out of some kind of moral paternal instinct, but sometimes Evan hated him. Hated him for making Evan be a part of a world that took what it wanted and destroyed everything else in its wake. Made him grow up - all alone - in an environment that made him into some cold-hearted machine that followed orders without question.

The same orders that made him experience his first kill at fifteen years of age.

He remembers it so clearly.

He remembers the way his sword cut so easily through the soft flesh of his victim, he remembers how much blood had spurted out of the gaping wound he had left and quickly begun to build a steady puddle of dark Crimson below their feet. He remembers how fast the body hit the ground in its suddenly lifeless state. For his first act of taking another human beings life, Evan remembers how fast it started and ended.

Evan only remembers it so well because he had felt nothing.

He hadn’t felt like he committed some moral sin as most of his fleet did their first time. _He felt nothing_ \- and that was what scared him the most and burned itself into his brain.

He didn’t question it.

Evan was eighteen years old when he realized he found it easier to kill someone than it was to befriend them. Tyler and Craig still pushed themselves into his life, into his heart, ignoring his warnings and his walls.

He didn’t question it.

He was twenty years when he stopped telling himself that he would still follow any orders that meant the endangerment of Tyler and Craig’s mortal persons or resulted in the ending of their lives.

It was that same year that he finally understood why it was easier to feel nothing, than feel everything.

He didn’t question it.

“Vanoss,” Evan snapped himself up into a straight sitting position, only minutely dazed as he gripped a tight hold on his dagger. It was a moments thought that he realized it was only Felix looking at him with concern and slight amusement, not noticing the hidden dagger in Evan’s hand under the bar.

Relaxing, Evan secured the dagger back to his waist and pulled his shirt hem over it, “Yes?”

“You fell asleep at my bar,” the blond said amused, but then turned worried again, “You didn’t look like you were enjoying your dream though. You alright?”

Evan gave a tired smile, “Yeah, got anything to feed me?” He pushed his empty cup towards the bartender.

Felix looked about to say no, but then sighed and acquiesced. “Last one,” he grumbled.

“Of course, Pewds.”

“You should eat some real food too,” Felix nagged.

“Yes, mom.”

Sky blue eyes rolled, “Shut up.”

Evan smirked, “Yes, Dad.”

Felix looked ready to knock him one along with the drink he passed to Evan, “Aren’t you a fucking annoyance.”

“Only the best!”

Felix ignored him and moved on to wiping down the bar. Evan suddenly noticed how quiet it was and casted a cursory glance around the room. The place was empty.

“It’s that late already?”

Felix snorted, “Kicked them out ten minutes ago.”

“You let me sleep the day away?”

The blond shrugged, “Looked like you needed it. Plus, no pirates came by to say ‘hi’, so I didn’t need your universal language skills.”

This time Evan rolled his eyes, “They talk english too,” he muttered, “They say ‘hi’ and you say ‘hi’ back without acting all scared and wide eyed and you’ll be fine.”

Evan was rewarded a scowl in response, “I’m sure that works out so damn swell. The man who rounds up them scoundrels wants your head on a fucking platter.”

Evan huffed, “I would be honored.”

Felix chucked the dirty rag he was using at him with an angry expression pinched onto his face, “Why aren’t you taking this _seriously_?”

With a sigh, Evan pulled the rag out of his lap and placed it onto the bar, “Pewds, we already went over this-”

“Yes,” Felix snapped, voice mocking and sarcastic, “You ‘ _failed him once_ ’ and you have an ‘ _obligation_ ’ to him and so on. I already heard it all, but you know what? You also just learned that _he’s not the same man you knew_. He doesn’t remember you and therefore, you really don’t have to owe him anything now that he’s bent on having your throat slit open for him.”

There was a pause.

“Just get over it and move on. Preferably, _with your life_.”

Just get over it and move on.

Evan let himself laugh at Felix’s words.

He remembers Mark saying that exact same thing to him when he was four and in the aftermath of a particularly nasty shove from an older-than-Mark naval officer who more-than-didn’t-like Evan. The man had only shoved him with his hip to get Evan out of the way, but Evan’s clumsy little legs were unprepared and he had stumbled over himself and onto the floor. A sliver of the wood was missing on the area young Evan had found himself sprawled on, and the sharp edge of it cut into the tender flesh of his skin.

“ _Clean it; make sure there are no splinters_ ,” Mark had said, kneeling down in front of Evan’s tiny frame, skinny from the equally small rations he was allowed. “ _As much as I hate it, I can’t stop them from doing stupid petty things like this. We won’t let this stop us, though, okay? We won’t let them get to us. Just get over it and move on. We’ll always be stronger than them._ ”

“You know,” Evan said after he made himself stop laughing. Felix was more concerned than before and Evan couldn’t keep making the blond have a heart attack for every time Evan lost a little bit of his control. “I used to know a man that said those exact same words to me.”

He had accidentally gotten blood all over Mark’s bed sheets that day, but Mark never reprimanded him for it. Mark had never said a thing about it, and even washed and tried to get the blood out himself; though to no luck. He still used them, never demanding that he have Evan’s bed sheets as payment.

It was the first time Evan had felt something. The first time Evan had felt trust.

Felix mouth was tilted down in a frown, “Really now?”

“Yeah.”

“He must have been a smart guy.”

Evan shrugged, “It doesn’t matter. He’s dead.”

The blond froze, blue eyes wide.

Evan downed the rest of his drink, “A lot of the people I knew are dead,” he said truthfully, and then stood up. “I’m heading to bed. Night.”

Felix said nothing, but Evan still flashed a false smile and locked himself in his room.

He lit the candles in his room and laid down in his bed.

There was no chance of sleep, but he was too restless to stay in bed, so he got back up. He found himself at the window.

Delirious loved the stars, but no stars shown tonight, it must have been too cloudy.

Was it a metaphor, Evan didn’t know. He didn’t really care.

The lip of the window sill was just big enough to allow Evan to sit on and lean himself against the window pane to support the rest of his waning weight. He pulled a leg up to his chest and welcomed the cool press of the glass against his forehead.

Evan doesn’t remember much about Mark anymore, just the bits that Evan had deemed necessary as the person he was before he had met _his_ Delirious. Some stuff floats back here and there, but generally, Mark was but a glimmer of a distant life.

Mark had said he was german, and somehow he had gotten away with it as he slipped himself into the Navy. Evan had thought there was more to him, he could see it in his eyes, but Evan never said anything, he never asked - he had no right. Evan himself was not accepted as an asian child, and had felt Mark was already ignored enough by the others as he was, that Evan had saw no need to add more to his plate.

Evan hadn’t really wanted to know, either.

He frowned, eyes adjusting to the dark as he peered out the window. He froze.

In the distance, he for sure thought he saw a shadow move.

Swallowing a lump in his throat, Evan blinked a few times, and there it was again. A shadow was moving, a red figure dyed burgundy under the cloak of night. He was chasing another man, who blended in more with the shadows.

Evan guesses the man was wearing blue.

With a glance to his bedroom door, he knows that Felix is already in bed and asleep, so no leaving tonight.

With a sigh, Evan stood to his feet and braced himself as he opened his window. The cold night air was a force of its own as it pushed itself against Evan’s person, but Evan only kept himself locked on the two figures moving through the night.

“...aren’t you being a little bias here, Delirious?” He heard CaRtOoNz’s voice in the distance, sounding tired and frustrated.

“I think you need to mind your own business, CaRtOoNz,” Evan smiled at the sound of Delirious’ voice over the ambient noise of the sleeping town.

“Damn it, Del. So, you don’t like the guy,” CaRtOoNz continued despite Delirious’ warning tone. “But, Del, this guy is literally the same as everyone else you’ve taken in. He’s got nowhere to go, got nothing to lose, and for fucks sake, Delirious, won’t you _listen_ to me!?”

CaRtOoNz must have done this a thousand times, battling against Delirious and his stubbornness; It was something new to Evan. Usually, it was always the other way around - Delirious fighting with CaRtOoNz. It had confused Evan of then, because what Captain had to argue with his right hand on the best course of action? But, Delirious always had a knack for turning everything Evan knew up on its head.

“I don’t care,” Delirious growled.

There was a pause and Evan let himself lean against the window sill to settle in.

“Well, ain’t that a fucking change,” came CaRtOoNz’s slow scathing sneer.

“I don’t want to hear it.”

“You never want to hear anything.”

“ _CaRtOoNz_.”

“Don’t you ‘ _CaRtOoNz_ ’ me. You never listen to anything, and you know what happens? You regret it!”

No response.

“You think I don’t fucking notice the way you handle everything, Delirious?”

No response.

“ _Oh_ , I see, the silent treatment now. I didn’t think we were children again.” CaRtOoNz intoned with scorn, and then suddenly Evan was watching a burgundy shadow pivot and walk away.

The other shadow had long since disappeared.

Interesting.

Evan let himself have a small smile.

The next morning, things were tense between Evan and Felix. The blond opted to ignore him, and Evan didn’t let it get to him as he contently sipped his glass of water.

The room was only a low hum, and Evan smiled.

Maybe this whole restart thing wasn’t too bad.

Evan got to experience a new side to Fermildin and even better, made a new friend - even if he was ignoring him right now.

And he got some time to learn a new CaRtOoNz, and a new Delirious.

A whole new dynamic; if only for the time that the _Delirious Army_ spent at Fermildin and inevitably Evan’s own time to leave.

Blue eyes met his for a moment, before stubbornly snapping away with a flash of something close to anger.

Evan brought his glass to his lips to hide a smile in case Felix saw him again.

Yes, this whole restart thing wasn’t so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, some background stuff on Evan :) Hope you liked it.
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	8. “Don’t make a noise.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Maybe Delirious was just a bringer of bad luck?_
> 
> _Evan allowed himself to grin at the thought this time around, feeling the bitingly, cold, fall air numb his face and hands while it seeped under his clothes - it wouldn’t be the first time Delirious has made Evan’s life a little bumpy._

“Hey, you’re that new kid, ain’t ya?” Evan turned to his side to where a stranger and his drinking budds leaned against the bar, crowding near, “The one that keeps throwing that pirate bastard’s name around?”

Evan raised an eyebrow, “Delirious?”

Felix shot him a look, but Evan watched the men start to close in on him threateningly with narrowed eyes. “Aye, that’s the one. Do you know him or something?”

“Nope.”

Evan turned back to the bar, leaning over his glass water, “If ya don’t know him,” there was a hand on his shoulder, and suddenly Evan was back in the rain, holding Delirious’ dead body to his own as Tyler tried to tug him away. Evan vaguely heard the man’s words as he turned Evan to face him, “Why the fuck do you say his name ‘round here?”

Evan came back with a deep breath, slapping the man’s hand away with a glare, “It’s just a name.”

“Aye, it’s a name alright,” the man glowered, pulling Evan towards him with a fist full of Evan’s collar, “One we don’t like. And as a matter of fact, we don’t take a liking to those of your kind either,” he sneered.

Evan gave a false smile with narrowed eyes, “Nice to know.”

“Hey!” Felix yelled out just as the man angrily pulled his arm back to deal a blow to Evan’s smug countenance. The man paused, and his group shot each other a few knowing angry looks. “No fighting in my bar. Remember what happened the last time you thought it was alright to mess around?” The blond had a stern expression and a heavy glare in his eye; Evan was almost surprised, he never thought Felix had it in him.

The man obediently stepped away, his group following the motion, “Sorry, Pewds. Won’t happen again, promise.”

“Better not,” Felix grumbled, “Now get your asses out of here if you ain’t gonna pay for something.”

They gave a last scathing look to Evan before scattering. To Felix’s relief.

Evan knew it probably wasn’t the end of it, but he was glad to skip out on any possible injuries for the time being.

Evan smirked at Felix with a raised eyebrow; the blond huffed at him and turned away.

“Hey, Pewds, thanks for that.”

“Stop getting yourself into trouble,” Felix grumbled.

Evan smiled, even though Felix wasn’t looking, “I’ve been trying, I promise.”

Felix mumbled something underneath his breath before grudgingly passing Evan something to drink besides his water, “I seriously doubt that.”

“Of course you do, but it’s not like I ask for people to notice me for my race,” he said dryly, and Felix paused.

“You know I didn’t mean that,” the blond said with a complex expression.

Evan shrugged, “I know, but I’m just saying.”

Maybe that’s why Delirious was so harsh with him?

Evan’s heart twists at the thought, but he couldn’t disprove nor prove that Delirious wasn’t racially bias in this timeline.

The thought is disconcerning enough that Evan gulps down his drink without thought.

At least CaRtOoNz liked him.

And last night, it sounded like they were talking about _Evan_ ; CaRtOoNz on _Team Evan_ , while Delirious was on _Team No_. Though it could have been anyone, Evan chooses to hope that CaRtOoNz was fighting for him and not some other stranger.

High stakes, he knows.

“It’s not like I really care,” Evan added with a nonchalant shrug, “Truly, I’ve already become desensitized to it after growing up with the Navy for all these years. It’s fine. Plus, apparently I got you now to fend off the _really_ mean ones,” Evan gave Felix a large cheeky grin which the blond only rolled his eyes to and quickly left to answer someone’s call down the bar.

Someone else took the empty seat next to Evan.

“Aye, it looks like ye gotch yerself inte ay bit of trouble, lad.”

Evan snapped his head around to the , and low and behold, it was fucking Daithi.

Momentarily dazed, Evan blinked at him with wide eyes.

Daithi raised an eyebrow, “Did I scare ye or somet’in?”

Evan quickly came back to himself, shaking his head, “No, no, just… well, I wasn’t expecting anyone to make conversation with me after that mess,” he said, referencing his almost-getting-punched-in-the-face incident and Daithi chuckled.

Daithi looked exactly the same. His prefered clothing color scheme was the same, his voice, his laugh, and his fucking accent; everything was on point.

A feeling of nostalgia and warmth suffocated Evan for a moment and then Daithi was talking again, “Aye, I gotch ye, seein’ as I’m a li’le different myself.”

Evan grinned, offering his glass, “Cheers to that,” he said.

Daithi looked more than amused, “Aye, cheers,” they clinked glasses.

“So, what has you spending your evening here in the Fermildin bar?”

Daithi swished his whiskey, “Wanted te spend my time on land for ay bit w’ile I can. T’is place is t’e only heaven for decent alco’ol in t’e w’ole of t’is shitty town.”

“I agree,” Evan nodded, “So you have limited time here; what do you do?”

Daithi looked about to grab his shirt in a show of presentation, but then stopped. Evan knew it was habit; Daithi of before would pinch his shirt in show of being the ship’s medic. His neon or forest green color palette was mighty different than the usual ship crew conglomeration of muted, dull, wash - it was a good indicator of his duty on ship. “Just a ship’s doctor,” he said after a beat.

“Really? Never a dull moment, I bet,” Evan smiled.

The man groaned at the thought, “Ye never really realize w’at ye get yerself inte as a ship’s doctor until ye’re gettin’ a long line of w’iners crying about sunburn, or a wee wound t’at t’ey believe will be t’e death t’em,” Daithi bemoaned. “Just a bunch of idiots, brawn over brain, running a ship. At least t’ey ‘ave ay mig’ty fine cap’ain to lead t’em,” Daithi downed his drink.

Evan chuckled, “Sounds fun.”

“Ye don’ know w’at ye’re talkin’ about,” Daithi snipped.

“He never does,” Felix snarks, as he refilled Daithi drink.

The man laughed, “Oh?”

“Oh please,” Evan astonished, “Pewds is just jealous.”

Daithi raised his eyebrows.

Felix snorts, “Sure.”

“Yup. That’s Pewds, always gotta put me down ‘cause he desperately wants to be me,” Evan gave the blond a not-so-innocent smile.

Sky blue eyes rolled, “Vanoss also has a _very_ active imagination.”

Daithi nodded, “Interesting.”

“Hey! Don’t be spreading rumors about me, Pewds.” Felix only smirked at him as he slithered away.

Daithi chuckled, “Well, ain’t ye both two pea’s of ay pod.”

Evan shrugged, and drank the rest of his brandy. Why was Felix just giving him a bunch of brandy now anyways?

“So, yer name’s Vanoss, eh?” Daithi held out a hand, “I’m Daithi.”

Evan accepted the handshake happily and gave back a beaming grin, “Nice to meet you.”

“I’ve ‘eard ay lot about ye, actually.”

Evan paused, “Wait, really?”

“Yeah. CaRtOoNz seems te like ye,” he said.

“CaRtOoNz talks about me?”

“Well,” Daithi shrugged, “He’s been verbally assaultin’ the cap’ain about ye a lot anyway.”

Ean raised an eyebrow, “He’s allowed to do that?”

Daithi smirked, “He’s the only one who _can_.”

“Are you telling me that you never verbally assault your captain?”

“Well…” Daithi trailed only _slightly_ reluctantly, “Sometime’s ay ship’s doc’s got te be forceful about t’eir patients.”

Evan laughed, “So you have some leeway as well? Sounds like your captain’s got his work cut out for him.”

“Aye he does.”

A silence breaks over them for a moment before Daithi is turning to him with accusatory green eyes.

“You know more t’an ye’re lettin’ on.”

Evan blinked, “Really?”

“Aye, ye’re too relaxed and ye _know_ who our captain is, but ye ain’t bot’ered by it.”

Evan looked away, “Should I be?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Daithi said, “Ye should be _mig’tily_ bot’ered by it.”

“I don’t know why,” Evan murmured, staring down his empty water glass, “Delir- your captain is just another man, another life, another person. I am the same.” Evan meets Daithi’s gaze, “So he can kill me, take my life, but literally _anyone else_ could too… I’m not that scared, I’ve already accepted my mortality.”

Daithi pauses before a large amused grin appeared on his face, “Aye, I think I know why CaRtOoNz likes ye.”

Evan raised an eyebrow, “Oh?”

“Yeah, I kind of like ye too.”

“Aw, that’s so sweet.”

Daithi rolled his eyes and then stood up, “I’d sooner cut yer tongue out.”

Evan laughed, “I look forward to it.”

Daithi shook his head, “See ye around kid.”

“My god, what up with you and making friends with the pirates?” Felix asked exasperated once Daithi was gone.

“He was just a medic,” Evan said, with a small smirk.

“Yeah, who probably knows exactly how to make you die a slow and painful death.”

Shaking his head, Evan leaned over the bar on his folded arms, “Look, that’s your problem, Pewds. You’re always looking negatively at the situation. Just think about making friends and you’ll be fine! They’re just people; they’re just as human as you or I.”

Felix pressed his lips together and quickly walked away.

Evan sighed, “And your a fucking stubborn one,” he muttered under his breath to no one.

The day passed slowly, and night fell harsh with a frost to accompany it.

Evan found himself outside, freezing in the cold, but he needed fresh air so he pushed on.

Naturally, he also had a death wish that followed him everywhere he went without his permission - like Delirious had so nicely mentioned before - so he made sure to check all his surroundings as he went. His overshirt hugged close for some contained warmth, and he also made certain his dagger was in easy access as he strolled further and further away from Felix’s bar.

The moon looked full, and it was bright. As winter drew closer, the sky grew more clear at night. The star’s were stark against it’s black backdrop and the moon was even more luminous.

It was a beautiful sight that Delirious would have appreciated.

He wonders if Delirious of this timeline was also an appreciator of all things night related?

It would fit his dark persona, that’s for sure, Evan thought to himself amused, as he turned down an alleyway that would lead back to the bar.

It was quiet, and peaceful, until a shuffling noise broke the silence. Evan froze.

Suddenly, the very prominent sound of running footsteps tapped down the cobblestone road from up behind him. He pivoted around, but wasn’t fast enough as someone slammed into him and shoved him against the closest brick wall.

A hand pinned his to his waist where he had gripped his dagger. The iron hold allowed him no respite.

Evan gasped, brain whiting out in alarm and panic - was he going to die tonight?

He sucked in a deep breath, as he felt another’s brush against his bared throat.

“Don’t make a noise,” the man’s rasped out into his ear, and Evan tensed.

He knew that voice.

“Wh-”

“Don’t,” Delirious growled lowly into his ear, and instantly Evan’s body was on fire. He could feel the press of Delirious’ body against his, thigh to thigh, stomach to stomach, chest to chest. Evan’s face flushed hot.

What the hell was going on?

More footsteps was his answer, as a group of people clamoured their way past the opening of the alleyway.

“Where the hell did he go?”

“I don’t know,” a dark silhouette stopped at the mouth of the passageway, obviously checking for any runners. Apparently Delirious and Evan were pressed close enough to the wall that the shadows hid them from view because the man only paused there for a moment before continuing on.

Evan was distracted by Delirious’ breath warming his throat, and he squirmed. Delirious only pressed him more tightly against the wall; Evan bit back a groan of displeasure.

“The fucking bastard. We almost had him, who the fuck let him get away?”

“Let him get away? The bitch stabbed Jared in the gut-”

The voices started to fade into the distance, and Evan only relaxed slightly.

Even when the voices were no longer audible, Delirious still didn’t move, and stayed put for a minute more to Evan’s horror.

Looks like this Delirious has paranoia issues.

Evan started squirming again when he finally thought it was enough, “Get the hell off of me; they’re gone,” he grumbled.

Delirious immediately separated from Evan, putting a wide distance between them.

Evan frowned. It also looked like it was either personal-space-close, or almost-ocean-wide-distance with Delirious, nothing less and nothing more.

“What the fuck was that?” Evan hissed.

Delirious was straight as a board as he continued to keep a his silence.

Evan raised an unamused eyebrow, “What? So you almost get me beat up, or maybe even killed - who knows? - and you don’t even have an explanation?”

Dark shadows angled Delirious’ mask into something more fierce, but Evan cared zero about how Delirious came off as.

“Do I really need an explanation?”

Evan paused, “Well, maybe not.”

Delirious turned and started walking away.

Evan blinked before following after him. The man stiffened as Evan came up to walk besides him, “What? So nothing?”

No answer.

Evan frowned, “Are you always this much of a dick?”

Delirious visibly bristled and shot a glare at Evan from the corner of his eyes, blue orbs barely glinted past the edge of the eye sockets in his mask.

“Still got nothing to say?”

The pirate captain resolutely ignored him.

Evan sighed, “Course you don't.” The pace Delirious set was brisk, but Evan was more than capable of meeting it. “I guess I can thank the silence then, for helping me out there. I know it may have been something selfish like ‘ _making sure idiot doesn't give away position_ ’ or something, but it was still really _nice_ of you.”

There was now a definite shine of annoyance in the man’s eyes and Evan smirked.

“Oh, and for not killing me yet. I never knew a person who didn't make do on their threats,” Evan was definitely trying the pirate captain’s patience now.

And Evan can very much say that Delirious held very little, if any at all, when he found himself grabbed up by the collar and once more pushed up into a wall.

“We shouldn't keep doing this,” Evan rasped out, breath momentarily knocked from his lungs as he raised another inquiring eyebrow at his aggressor. “People will get ideas, you know?”

Blue glinted slits were narrowed down at him, “ _Shut up_. Do you ever just stay _silent_?”

Yup, very paranoid.

Evan grinned, “So you do talk, I was worried for a moment there that I imagined your voice this whol-”

Evan choked, hands coming up reflectively to grip at the ones pushing dangerously near his throat.

“He-hey now,” Evan said nervously, “Let’s not get carried away.”

“Stop testing me.”

Evan gave a fraudulent pout, “Fine, as long as you don't kill me.”

Delirious pulled away and Evan sucked in a relieved breath.

The man was already leaving and Evan followed after him exasperated.

“You don't have a lot of friends, do you?”

“ _Shut up_ ,” Delirious hissed.

Evan grinned and acquiesced.

He had no idea where Delirious was taking them, but it almost seemed like they were walking in circles.

“Where are we going?” Evan whispered, very quickly breaking his period of quiet. Delirious chose the wrong person for silence.

Evan forced away a smile at the thought.

“None of your business,” the man grumbled.

Evan blinked, and then rolled his eyes, “Fine.”

They accidentally bumped shoulders, and Delirious tensed and took a large step away.

Evan ignored the pang in his heart at the action, reminding himself time and time again that Delirious was not _his_ Delirious.

He paused, lulling behind as Delirious continued on. It was a small window, but Evan saw a slight hesitation in the man’s gait before he resumed with his fast pace once more, clearly not waiting for Evan.

Swallowing a lump in his throat, Evan wonders why his heart is relentless in its stuttering ache.

Suddenly there was a shout from behind Evan, and Evan turned around to see another silhouette in the mouth of the street Delirious and he occupied.

“Hey, there’s someone here!” The silhouette called, and Evan was immediately turning to Delirious who stood still at the end of the street facing Evan.

“Go!” Evan yelled, waving Delirious off. There was a branching side street to Evan’s right, he could lead them away - he was the only person they saw anyway. He vaguely recognized some landmarks and realized they were close to the docks.

Delirious would be safe.

Evan barely noted the instant relief that flooded his veins as he watched Delirious take off from the corner of his eye while he dashed down the side road.

“He’s running!”

“Get him!”

Evan supposed that this means his good luck has run out; he heard a few more footsteps added into the chase as he raced himself down alleyways and streets.

Maybe Delirious was just a bringer of bad luck?

Evan allowed himself to grin at the thought this time around, feeling the bitingly, cold, fall air numb his face and hands while it seeped under his clothes - it wouldn’t be the first time Delirious has made Evan’s life a little bumpy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I think I may have accented Daithi's speech a bit too much. _And_ , I think I may have mixed it up a bit with stereotypical pirate lisp - because that's my usual default for Irish accents, oops - and a Scottish accent - because I've been watching the original _Star Trek_ episodes again...
> 
> So! If anyone thinks Daithi is a bit too hard to read, just let me know and I'll make his dialogue a bit more normal like the others. :) Then you guys can apply your own Daithi accent.
> 
> I think I like this chapter. Except for the first part; I feel it may be a bit forced, sorry about that.
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	9. “Am I dead or something?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In the crudest of terms, Evan scared himself._

Evan had been twenty years of age - five years before he was given his mission to infiltrate the _Delirious Army_ \- when he first experienced a _group_ beating. He had been trapped, closed into a corner and pushed down, kicked, punched, grabbed, pulled, and cut open for the sole purpose of his pain and their pleasure. Tyler and Craig had been there to help with the aftermath, but the only reason Evan remembered it so well was because they actually _did_ it.

Maybe it’s because Evan could never understand people as he had been so emotionally inept - but he was more unnerved by the fact that these people, who were so looked up to and _idolized_ by most of the world, were also capable of dealing out much of the pain and misery they vowed to protect others from.

The Navy abused their power as a humanitarian group only to implement control and dominating power for their own gain.

That was the only real time he began to question everything.

Evan had lock everything away again soon after, though. It was too much for him - to question everything he lived by, everything he grew up by. It was so much easier to just put everything he felt, everything he questioned, into a box and kick it into the back of his mind to never look at, to never really analysis.

Tyler and Craig, the poor things they were, had been more confused and frustrated than ever at the time, trying to deal with an emotionally crippled victim of abuse who continued to be difficult and insusceptible to their help - more so than usual.

Evan never explained it to them. _He couldn’t_ explain it to them, no matter how much he could’ve tried.

A quick stumble over a rock in his path had Evan snapping out of his inner monologue.

He then looked up to a few figures who blocked the exit of the alleyway Evan found himself in.

Evan faltered, coming to a complete stop as he heard the others who followed his tail come to a slow jog from behind him.

 _The end of the line_ , Evan thought. _Dead end; no escape; out of options_ …

His mind spun.

Maybe they wouldn’t hurt him too bad when they realized they had the wrong person?

 _Too similar_ , his brain screamed, _nowhere to run_.

Nowhere to hide.

Evan ignored the growing hysteria clawing around his heart and instead held himself straight, tall, self-confidently.

Maybe there was a little more psychological trauma done then he realized.

He pressed his back up against the wall - a flash of the recent memory of Delirious’ body close to his; warm and _right_ \- and he made sure his hand was secured around his dagger.

“Who the fuck are you?” One asked as they closed in.

“You aren’t that asshole,” another growled.

Evan felt the claustrophobic atmosphere strain his thought process, a feeling of anxiety that continued to eat and poke around his insides.

“I’m Vanoss,” he droned. “Do you have a problem?”

Someone grabbed a fistful of his collar, and Evan felt his fingers twitch around the hidden dagger under his overshirt. “Yes we do,” they hissed, “Where the fuck did that bastard go?”

“I don’t know,” he lied.

Evan’s never told a lie before, and something short of pleasure and disgust heated the blood beneath his skin at the thought. Yes, maybe a few lies of omission, but he never straight out told someone a false statement.

Knowing what he was protecting, however, had Evan finding that he cared very little about it then he would have thought.

Pain exploded in his lower jaw as his head snapped to the side. His fingers twitched again, but he didn’t move a muscle.

It seems that these people were less patient than Delirious.

He turned his gaze back to his assailant as blood seeped into his mouth from the gash in the inside of his cheek.

“Ya must have seen him,” the man said, “Tell us.”

“Nope,” Evan falsely smiled, “I haven’t seen anything.”

Suddenly, he was dragged forward and shoved into the middle of their semi-circle. The man didn’t let go of his collar and Evan felt it dig into his neck, cutting off his oxygen for a moment.

“Are ya fucking with us?”

A kick to the back of his knees had him collapsing to the ground, knees clunking painfully onto the cobblestones beneath them.

“Nope,” Evan said again, eyes narrowing at the dark figure who still gripped his collar and forced his head to incline up. “Although, I would appreciate a little more consideration. I’m just a random passerby, I would like to get back before my friend starts to wor-”

A kick to his ribs had him gasping, struggling against the confines of his shirt.

 _Power play, exerting dominance, forcing submission_ , his mind supplied unhelpfully.

He wouldn’t say anything against Delirious, though. Never.

“Are ya one of his little followers?” The man sneered, “Protecting him and always letting him off the hook? That man’s a monster, but then ya go out of your way to _help_ him?”

Evan goes to make a snide response that wouldn’t help _his_ situation much, but he didn’t have time to worry about it when there’s a blow dealt to his head again.

He blanked out for a moment, as he spits some blood out onto the ground.

“Ya do understand that he’s a fucking murderer, don’t ya?”

 _No_ , his brain instantly denied, _Delirious_ never _does harm_.

“He just killed one of my friends, ya know? Jared was one of the better guys, and your little _pirate captain_ ,” the guy twists Evan’s shirt collar a little more, leaving him little room to breathe, “Gutted him open like some fish, like he was _nothing_. In cold blood.”

 _No_ , Evan closed his eyes tightly for just a second before opening them to meet his accusers dark stare with one of his own.

But _yes_ , he corrects himself; Delirious was not the same man as _his_ Delirious, Evan reminds himself. He knew very well what this Delirious is capable of, and yes… Delirious probably did kill that man. Maybe Delirious was a little lacking in morals, but that’s what Evan was here for, right?

Right?

“You have friends?” Evan started with the digging of his own grave, “I bet you _Jared_ was just as important to you as I am to Delirious. He probably _was_ nothing.” Better to get it over and done with then prolong the torture.

Delirious wouldn’t be coming to his rescue like before.

His defiance gained him nothing but a split second of reprieve when the man let go of his collar, and then a whole new world of pain as he received another punish to his jaw and a second kick to his lower ribs.

And then it all began.

And it _hurt_ , but Evan had always been the greatest at not allowing his pain to show - always a stoic, a last ditch effort to cause annoyance, something to have a little control over.

A wayward kick to the soft underbelly of his abdomen almost made him puke, but he bit hard at the inside of his cheek and swallowed down the overflow of saliva building up in his mouth.

It wasn’t any different then the other times he received ‘punishment’ from this navy mates, although maybe a little more chaotic in terms of emotional duress. That was mostly because he wasn’t as emotionally crippled as he had been before.

He didn’t have Tyer or Craig for the aftermath this time ‘round, however. The thought makes his chest seize up and his heart flutter - and not in the good way.

Maybe he was too far out of his depth.

He never knew anything about this timeline in the first place and Delirious - if the man didn’t hate Evan’s guts - was totally indifferent to him and even that was enough to have Evan wanting to shut down.

He should be fighting back, but one against a group, he thinks at least seven, was not something worth fighting back for. He was a distraction in the vaguest of forms, he tried to convince himself.

...In reality, ever since Delirious turned his perspective - his _world_ \- Evan could never bring himself to harm someone. He could barely think about how he use to so easily take another's life, or how easy it was to watch their lifeblood spill out without feeling a _lick_ of remorse or guilt.

In the crudest of terms, Evan scared himself.

What was to say that he wouldn’t turn back into the monster _he_ was, if he so much as laid a hand on another?

Evan couldn’t chance it. He _couldn’t_.

The dagger Evan always takes with him dug harshly into his side. It was as if it was mocking him; reading his mind.

Evan wonders how much of a vulnerable coward he looked like all curled up on a dirty alleyway cooblepath, getting beat down without much fight or resistance?

He huffed a laugh that escapes his lips without thought.

There’s a pause around him before a sharp kick to the back of his skill whitens out his world.

Well fuck.

Much of everything passed by in a blur after that.

He hears some shouting, some footsteps scurrying and the pain stopped for a moment. Then suddenly, a resounding _ache_ pulses throughout his body and bones.

There’s a hand on his shoulder and he wanted to sob at the memory it passed through his brain. The rain, Delirious dying, Tyler talking…

Evan barely makes out a voice through the haze in his mind, but cannot comprehend any words. It wasn’t Tyler, though.

He felt his body float, almost like he was suspended in air while hands were the only thing grounding him as they lift him from underneath his arms.

Evan’s bruises and bones protest the action; he lets a groan slip out.

He blinked, but it’s dark and he only made out burgundy and shadows.

Then…

Evan’s opened his eyes.

Daithi stared back at him with wide, curious green eyes.

“Uh… hi?”

“Well, ye sure did yerself ay number.”

Evan blinked again, “Am I dead or something?”

“Unless I’m t’e face of God, t’en no,” Daithi raised an unimpressed eyebrow at him, “Now give me yer arm. T’is was much easier w’en ye were half dead.”

“Where am I?” Evan asked giving his arm to a grouchy ship medic.

“On t’e goddamn ship, now will ye shut t’e hell up,” Daithi grumbled, tending to the scrapes and rashes on Evan’s arm.

“What the hell- ouch!” Evan yelped as Daithi rubbed some healing bam a little more roughly into a particularly nasty gash.

“Ye have no right te be askin’ questions at t’is time of night, mate,” Daithi growled.

Swallowing down a lump and maybe half of his thoughts with it, Evan silently let Daithi grumble and assess the damage.

“What t’e _hell_ did ye manage to get yerself inte?”

Evan felt the beginning of a headache pound at the base of his skull, “I guess I got into a tiff over your captain.”

Daithi raised both of his eyebrows, “Oh?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t too bad, but I think I’m dreaming now after getting my head kicked in,” he murmured, looking around.

This was definitely Daithi’s domain, almost exactly as Evann remembered it with just a few outlier details; Evan’s lips twitch up at the prospect. Daithi rolled his eyes, “Ye ain’t dreaming, ye idiot. Just ay bit concussed and fuzzy ‘round t’e edges I bet, t’ough.”

“There’s no way Delirious let me on his ship.”

“ _T’e Cap’ain_ ,” Daithi emphasizes, “Was t’e one who found ye. After roundin’ up Toonz, and a few of t’e ot’ers.”

Head spinning, Evan pressed a hand to his forehead, briefly closing his eyes, “Yup, definitely dreaming,” he sighed. Because _Delirious_ going out of his way to _find Evan_ was enough of a thought to make him laugh for a week straight, “Say, Daithi, do you think I’ll ever have a chance of seeing the inside of your medic room again?” He asked dream Daithi after a rush of nostalgia and grief.

The last time he saw it, it was after a failed exertion that ended with an injured captain and nothing more. It was the most anxiety Evan’s ever experienced in a lifetime - all crammed up in one day.

At least Delirious came out of that one alive.

It was only a week or so later that Evan’s world would come crashing down and Delirious wouldn't get to walk away with a bounce in his step _that_ time around.

“Ay, ye’ll be spendin’ a fockin’ lifetime in here once I’m done with ye,” Daithi grouched, breaking Evan from his inner soliloquy, “Because I already fockin’ told ye t’is wasn’t ay dream!”

“What’s this about a dream?”

Evan snapped his gaze to the doorway where none other than CaRtOoNz stood in. Face blank and passively deceptive as usual.

“T’is fockin’ nutjob t’inks t’is shits all ay dream.”

Evan blinked at CaRtOoNz and sure enough, the man was still there. They met gazes, “Really?”

“Yeah, fockin’ idiot. What t’e hell ‘appened te him anyway?”

“Delirious said something about _vigilanties_ and _annoying assholes_ ,” CaRtOoNz paused, brown eyes never leaving Evan’s as they glittered in sudden amusement, “Though now I don’t quite know if Del meant him or the other bastards when he said the latter.”

Daithi snorted and Evan raised an eyebrow.

CaRtOoNz finally looked away to meet Daithi’s eyes, his expression now severe and phlegmatic, “For a bunch of toughies, they sure ran away quickly. Still have no idea why they beat the shit out of him when they wanted Delirious.”

“I said a few choice words,” Evan muttered, gaining two dark gazes at once making him pause, “And well, they thought I was a Delir- um, thought I followed him - like I was part of his crew or something.”

Evan needed to get out of the habit of calling them by name; it was quite rude and they don’t know him like he knows them. It’s suspicious.

“Hmm,” CaRtOoNz started, looking back to Daithi, “Get him patched up. Del wants him gone as fast as possible,” he sighed.

Daithi frowned, “Make my job easier, ey?” He muttered.

CaRtOoNz shrugged, “Do as you want, Daithi, Del is just being stubborn.”

“Well, t’is one's got ay mig’ty fine head injury, I want him over night.”

“As you wish.”

“Wait!” Evan interjected, feeling a bit like a child, sitting there being talked about in the same room, “I- I have to go back... Pewds will be worried-”

“He’ll be even more worried when ye go back te him lookin’ like ye got t’e shit beat out of ye - which ye did,” Daithi countered easily, “And do ye really want te venture back out t’ere with t’e freaks? Ye mig’t even get back te him with yer head on ay platter,” Evan stayed silent and Daithi continued happily, “Plus, are ye willin’ te stay up anot’er hour te explain te him what ‘appened?”

Evan sighed, slumping in defeat, “This is all a dream anyway, why does it matter?”

Daithi furrowed his eyebrows with annoyance, “Aye, t’ere ye go about ay dream again - if t’is is a fockin’ dream te ye, t’en what’s t’e probelm with stayin’, ye damn bastard?”

Evan blinked, “That’s true.”

CaRtOoNz looked on the verge of amused, “Looks like you got your work cut out for you Daithi, I’ll take my leave. I’ll be sure to give Delirious the rundown.”

Daithi rolled his eyes, “At least keep him from comin’ t’is way until mornin’, eh?”

“I’ll try,” CaRtOoNz gave a casual wave as he left.

Daithi turned annoyed eyes on Evan, “Now get ye arse inte t’e damn bed,” he groused, shooing Evan to the back of the room towards the resting cots.

Evan was blinking up into a familiar ceiling in no time - it was like something from a distant memory. His heart swelled at the thought before he settled eyes on Daithi as the man grumbled to himself while fixing up his workplace, “Call te me if ye need anyt’ing, I’ll be in my room,” he shoved a thumb in the direction of the conjoining room to the side. “And no wanderin’!”

The door slammed shut and Evan was bathed in darkness.

What in the actual fuck.

It was all a dream, he denied - he’ll wake up and probably still be on that damn cobblestone, freezing and aching with one of the worst headaches in history. He’ll wander his sorry ass back to Felix who’ll mother hen him until he wished he died back there in the streets and- and…

Evan really hoped this _wasn’t_ a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this happened. Hope it wasn't crazy or anything.
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	10. “He respected ye, for ‘elping him out.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It was the worst thing Evan ever saw - the first time he felt truly repulsed by an act of murder._

Evan opened his eyes to a familiar ceiling and became aware to the familiar sounds of another person rustling and fusing with the rooms constituent items. Something swelled up in his heart and Evan smiled when there was some grumbling and pacing added to the growing ambiance.

For a doctor, Daithi never was one for consideration.

Just as he remembered, the room was stuffy and almost claustrophobically small, but just seemingly big enough to breathe. Daithi made everything some sort of green and it was kind of ugly, but no one ever mentioned it to his face. Everyone had a feeling Daithi knew it too, but he never cared or never showed that he did.

The old paneled walls were slightly buckled and warped from moisture exposure, but Daithi always claimed it was ‘ _vintage_ ’ and positively ‘ _ruggedly handsome_ ’ when suggested he go to the captain for request on fixes. He also said something about ‘ _acquired tastes_ ’, but everyone had already figured he had been bullshitting them and stopped listening. Daithi just didn’t like change. Or inconveniences. Or people in his space ‘mucking things up’ - Daithi was also very territorial for a medic.

Nostalgia hit him full force and he sucked in a sharp gasp; the room fell completely silent.

Was this Evan relieving a memory or him waking within a dream? He blinked wide eyes at the ceiling and then Daithi was there.

Maybe the real question was if _any_ of this was real?

Going back in time? A different world? Similar, but not quite same people?

He must be going fucking _nuts_.

“Aye lad, ye feelin’ alright?”

Evan blinked up into green eyes without a word. Daithi’s eyebrows furrowed together in worry.

“Ye gonna answer me, brat?”

Swallowing roughly, throat sore and grating, Evan didn’t dare try to move in fear of how his body felt, dream or not, “Am I still dreaming?”

“Oh by fock’s sake,” Daithi growled, eyes narrowed slits, “Still on t’is dream nonsense, by god. Hold on ay second, ye bastard,” Daithi wandered away and then came back with what suspiciously looked like a book. The annoyed medic opened to a random page, scanned it, and then shoved it into Evan’s face, “Tell me w’at t’e first paragraph says,” he all but demanded.

Evan himself was confused, “Wh-”

“Just read it!” Daithi snipped in impatience, “Ye can’t read in dreams, so read it te me!”

Really wishing Daithi had offered a glass of water instead, Evan begrudgingly did as he was so nicely told to do, “ _A violet by a mossy stone/Half hidden from the eye_...” Evan paused for a moment in uncertainty, before slowing continuing, “ _Fair as a star, when only one/Is shining in the sky_ …. Daithi, _what the hell_ is this?”

Daithi flushed red and quickly snapped the book closed to put out of Evan’s view. Evan caught a glimpse of _William Wordsworth_ on the spine of it before it disappeared behind Daithi’s back, “See, t’ere ye go. Not ay dream, so shut yer trap ‘bout t’at nonsense an’ get back te restin’ like ay good bedri’en sod.”

“Delirious would never allow me on his ship,” he said, reiterating a past statement.

“Well, _t’e cap’ain_ ,” Daithi pressed, shoving the book under some miscellaneous papers on his desk not too far away. Evan flinched, mentally chiding himself on using Delirious’ name so boldly again. Daithi came back with a glass of water, that Evan happily gulped down after painfully pulling himself up into a sitting position, “Isn’t quite t’e same guy everyone portray’s him as.”

“I know, but he doesn’t exactly like me.”

Daithi rolled his eyes, “He respected ye, for ‘elping him out.”

“So, he felt obligated to not ‘owe me one’.”

The doctor paused, “Well, yeah.”

Evan frowned, his lower jaw and upper cheek bone aching at the movement.

“Would ye stop denyin’ it? Yer on t’e _Delirious Army_ , alright? T’at’s t’e facts - not’in’ more and not’in’ less.”

Evan stayed silent, taking in the familiar ceiling and the familiar greens of the medic room when he slumped back down into his pillows and covers.

How many chances would he get before the metaphorical rug was tugged out from underneath his figurative feet?

This couldn’t be _real_. He must be dreaming - a dream inside of a dream - maybe when he got shot by SeaNanners he actually survived. Maybe the man had unfortunate aim and missed Evan’s vital organs?

This was all some fever dream, some sick, messed up dream from his subconscious to try and rationalize all the trauma and pain of losing Delirious. To compartmentalize that Evan was the catalyse for it all - the reason Delirious died, the reason Bryce, Little Ryan, Jack, and so many others died.

Daithi gave a long suffering sigh before walking away and back to his desk. “Aye, ye need anyt’ing, say so. Ye’ll feel petty shitty, but later on ye can take a hike back te yer blond friend.”

Evan bit the inside of his cheek, still raw and split from last night, and stifled a pained noise as he shuffled to lay on his side.

All this pain couldn’t mean he was just dreaming though, right?

Fever dream or not.

Evan closed his eyes and swallowed a lump in his throat.

He didn’t know.

For the next - what felt like - hours Evan faded in and out of sleep. Every move he made, made his bones scream at him and his muscles tense to the point of pain. He tried to eliminate as much of his movements as possible.

Soon, he heard footsteps through the thin walls of the medic room. The gait was sure, confident and practiced. Nothing like that of the Navy trained goons, but familiar still.

He knew it was CaRtOoNz before the man set foot into the room.

Evening out his breathing, Evan relaxed himself into the bed, ignoring the pain in his aching body.

“Still sleeping?” CaRtOoNz murmured.

“Aye, he’s been in an’ out of it. T’e cap’ain say anyt’in’?” CaRtOoNz must have expressed something in his face, because Daithi responded to the silence, “Shouldn’t ‘ave expected anyt’in’ less,” he grumbled.

“He’s just being stubborn.”

“‘Bout w’at?”

“Well, they met on the wrong foot a few days ago.”

Daithi snorted, “Wrong foot?”

“Yeah, that one’s got a fearless streak.”

“Don’t I know it.”

There was a pause and some shuffling.

Evan shifted onto his back, eyes staring up at the ceiling with blank eyes. “Do I pretend I’m waking up now?”

Daithi snorted again, “T’ere’s no point.”

CaRtOoNz’s audibly shifted the position of his stance, shoes sliding against the wooden floorboards sharply. No preamble, “Del wants you gone.”

“Wouldn’t have thought otherwise.”

A huff of air escaped the man, “So you’ve gotten over that dream stuff.”

Daithi groaned, “Don’t even get him started again.”

Evan pulled himself up, shifting his feet to dangle off the side of the bed. He brazenly ignored the protests of his limbs. A moment reprieve and then he swiftly stood to his feet.

He was met with a raised eyebrow from Daithi and a blank stare from CaRtOoNz as he gingerly, but steadily made his way to them.

“Ye look brand new already,” Daithi commented, face pinched in something short of annoyance - nothing new.

It was a habit to keep straight posture and practiced movements - vulnerability was _not_ an option; a rule of thumb on the _Chaos_. Complex expressions from both Daithi and CaRtOoNz - one _defnietly_ not impressed and the other vaguely so - made Evan wonder what it meant to them.

“T’e injured should stay lookin’ injured,” Daithi muttered, like he was reading Evan’s mind.

“You were always more bearable when you had someone to nurse back to health,” CaRtOoNz said, earning him a glare.

“Well, Toonz, I’d say we could make t’at ‘appen,” the medic growled, “I hear t’ere’s ay few broken bones in yer near future.”

Amusement danced through CaRtOoNz’s brown gaze, “I look forward to it, Daithi.”

An ugly look passed over Daithi face before he turned annoyed green eyes to Evan sharply, “Well, Mr. I’m-fixed-in-ay-day, get t’e hell out of my infirmary.”

Evan blinked, “Uh,” he paused, “Well, thanks.”

Daithi ignored him, grumbling under his breath to go back to his desk; conversation instantly closed. CaRtOoNz was more than amused now, but his face betrayed nothing; the man had always been more expressive with his eyes.

Brown eyes met Evan’s until they turned away and CaRtOoNz was leaving the room.

Following the man out, Evan took in as much of the familiar setting as he could. The paneled wooden walls, and the scuffed, worn floorboards. The slew of people who he may not recognize now, but considered a part of his crew many times over anyway.

CaRtOoNz led him through the maze like area of the below deck to reach the main one. All the while, Evan fought with himself to keep his emotional being shoved down - no reason to get choked up about something when it’ll only make him look crazy in the eyes of the other people.

Talking a deep breath, Evan hurried to trail after Delirious’ right hand man up to the main deck.

The sky was a pale blue hue, almost washed out and faded in it’s brightness as it lightened up the world.

Evan was blinded for but a moment, and then he opened his eyes to CaRtOoNz conversing with another younger male.

His heart sputtered when he recognize him, blood running cold, but then heating up with something short of relief.

Blue eyes turned to him. They were clear, and definitely not the same shade that of Felix or Delirious. They were almost transparently bright as the young male gave Evan a friendly, if cautious, smile.

Bryce had been the first to go when the _attack_ had happened. Evan had watched helplessly as the boy had his throat violently slit without mercy and then collapsed twitching and drowning in his own blood. Evan couldn’t do anything as he was pushed from the scene by the very same people who committed the act. He only managed to catch glimpses of Bryce’s struggling, spasming body, and a meeting of faded, dull slate colored eyes bereft of the light they usually held to die off with the boys radiant presence.

It was the worst thing Evan ever saw - the first time he felt truly repulsed by an act of murder.

“Hello! McQuaid here,” Bryce said with a sunny grin, “Heard you defended the captain.”

Evan blinked, coming back to the present; taking in an inaudible breath he gave an uncertain smile of his own, “It was the right thing to do.”

“No one ever sticks up for him,” Bryce commented.

“I could guess,” Evan said dryly.

The boy laughed. “You sure don’t look like a man who got his ass kicked.”

“Does one have to show how they feel?”

Bryce paused and blinked wide eyes at him. Even CaRtOoNz seemed a bit put off by the question, but continued with his stony front. “No… I suppose not,” Bryce managed.

“I feel quite kicked, though, to be honest,” Evan continued, spurred on to quickly ease the sudden awkward tension in the young man’s shoulders. He couldn’t tell if it was from some inner instinct to alleviate the boys discomfiture because of how cruelly Bryce’s life was extinguished in a past life, or because Evan was genuinely concerned for his comfort. “Your captain is a tough one to get to know.”

Bryce quirked a smile, “Sure is, but he’s the best of the best when you finally _do_ get to know him.”

“I think it’s high time you get back to what you were doing, McQuaid,” CaRtOoNz interrupted gruffly and suddenly, but was surely glowing proud underneath the hard lines of his expression from what Evan could make out.

“Aye, Sir!” Bryce chirped, giving a casual farewell wave to Evan before skipping on off.

It was then that Evan really noticed the strange stares and glances of the surrounding crew of the _Delirious Army_ were giving him.

“They’re just surprised you’re on Delirious’ ship,” CaRtOoNz clarified blandly. Eerily similar to how Daithi seemed to know what he was thinking about just earlier.

“Them and me both,” he muttered. CaRtOoNz let out an amused huff in response.

“Delirious is being stubborn, but I know he’s just as surprised by the fact that you helped him out last night.”

“It was the least I could do,” Evan said. It’s not like Evan wasn’t use to a ‘punishment’ anyway.

The man looked confused by the statement, but didn’t comment on it.

Soon they came up to the ramp leading off the ship and onto the dock. Something close to longing and regret slipped around his heart in a vice so painful it made his psychical aliments seem like nothing in comparison.

His chest constricted and he suddenly felt that leaving the _Delirious Army_ was a wretched idea.

“I have to say,” CaRtOoNz started as they both paused before the descend off the ship, gaining some if not all of Evan’s attention, “I am grateful for what you did for Delirious. I know he’s not exactly the epitome of human compassion and patience, but Delirious is everything - the whole world - to the crew. They need him; just as much as he needs them…”

Evan could already guess. No crew would stay with a leader they hated, no matter how fearful they may be of how the captain may react to their abandoning - and a glance to the surrounding crowd aboard the ship told they were as content as any shipmate should be. And Bryce clearly respected Delirious, and CaRtOoNz obviously did too. Daithi as well.

Delirious was maybe a little rough with his outward appearance, but he was evidently just as caring as Delirious of Old. At least, that’s what his loyal-as-can-be crew told of him. They cared for their captain too, if Bryce was anything to go by.

Evan swallowed a lump in his throat. At least some things didn’t change.

“Everyone deserves a helping hand,” Evan murmured.

CaRtOoNz gave a sharp nod of acknowledgement, but did not reply further to that track of conversation. Instead, he clasped his hands behind his back and gave a straight face, straight shouldered stance, “Have a safe way back.”

The farewell was clipped and forced, although still genuine in terms of CaRtOoNz, and Evan smiled. As expected as Delirious’ right hand man.

“See you around,” Evan said, and quickly made his exit.

Stepping off the ship was like leaving a part of himself behind. He felt morose and solemn as he put further distance between him and the two things that really meant the most to him.

Evan stopped for a moment, and gave in to the urge to look back. Ignoring the sudden spark of pain situated somewhere over his hip, Evan found himself taking in a serene view of the _Delirious Army_.

Felix would murder him when he finally made it back, but Evan couldn’t quite bring himself to put an urgence into his travel back to the blond when he gazed upon the wonderful vessel that, in another lifetime, had hosted all his dreams and desires.

He ran his eyes down the ships tall masts and closed washed out sails. The elegance of her tread and the beauty of her softness. Things he never truly appreciated until Evan lost it all that one day.

And probably will never get back.

Evan blinked and then he noticed the man standing on the quarter deck. They met gazes, and Evan almost expected the man to flip him off, like he always use to playfully do, but no such thing happened.

It was a break between the walls of the lifetimes Evan needed to keep strong - he reminded himself that the same mannerism and expressions he expected meant nothing here. These were all different people with different idiosyncrasies to define them.

Such as the dark scrutiny - once bright and ardent - of this man here.

It was an agonizingly slow size up, but Evan resolutely kept himself from shaking like a leaf in the wind, or glancing away from the hardened gaze that lost much of its bite with the distance between them.

Then, just as suddenly as the man was in view, he was gone. Back straight and commanding as he walked away without any other expressive movement.

Evan quirked an amused smile as he almost wished that Delirious _had_ flipped him off rather than deal with the blank face - blank masked - individual Delirious seemed to be now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, early update :3 Yay.
> 
> Um, this is also the tenth chapter, and for me, that's an amazing milestone! Congratulations everyone, haha.
> 
> While writing this chapter and really thinking about all the plans I have for this story, I just realized how _long_ it's going to be.
> 
> So, this isn't the first set of ten chapters to come! :) hope you guys are in it for the long haul, haha, because we're gonna be here for a while.
> 
> Once I get more free time, I'll hopefully be able to update twice a week, but I can't promise anything as of yet, sorry.
> 
> However, in the next chapter or so, things should be kicking up a bit.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed - and thank you to everyone who's shown support or genuinely given feedback on _Chance_ so far. I very much appreciate it and can freely admit that it's been my driving force lately. Thank you. :)
> 
>  _And_ thank you so much for reading,  
>  ~Sakura


	11. "I’ll kill you otherwise.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _At dawn. Evan blinked._
> 
> _Delirious was leaving at dawn, and then that would be it._

A few days passed.

When Evan finally gotten back to Felix that one evening with a half bruised face and a story to tell, the young man just about had a heart attack and gained a few holes in his sanity.

A couple hard drinks afterwards, Felix was very adamant about Evan staying within the confined area of the bar.

‘ _Just for a couple days_ ,’ Felix had said.

But Evan really knew that Felix would be determined to keep him there for much longer than a few days. Sometimes, Felix was more maternal then he was friendly.

As someone with misgiving parental bonds, it really messed with how Evan thought he should feel about it all - and he found himself more often than not thinking about Mark, his only real father figure, who he sometimes hated more than he hated himself. Which was quite a feat in of itself, but Evan hadn’t really come to terms with a lot of stuff he kept boxed away.

He wasn’t about to start either.

And so, Evan found himself more invested with the taverns inner workings then he had wanted to be.

As dubbed ‘table boy’, Evan could now recognize who were daily regulars, who were every other day stranglers, and then of course, the weekly celebrators. He could also point out the groups that came with the crowds; such as the gossipers, the cheaters, and the excessive pessimists - the ones who hated everyone and everything.

However, for a bar, it was quite boring and predictable. Everyday was too similar and blatantly unstimulating to a man like Evan who use to take on hardships and sail a life of adventure.

Before it all came crashing down.

Although, one look at Felix and his unbudging stance on Evan’s rest period was terribly obvious in the direction of conversation they would have if Evan brought it up.

Dejected and maybe a little morose, Evan continued his patron doting and managing without word.

At least it was a way to pay back Felix for Evan’s free stay and alcohol consumption.

Though, for a simple assignment as ‘table boy’, it wasn’t as easy as it should have been.

For drunk men, they seemed to instantly recognize Evan was… _different_. They would greedily and easily accept the offered alcohol they requested, but not after some spiteful remarks, or suspective grilling towards Evan’s background.

Not exactly the stimulation Evan wished for to break up a long day, but he kept telling himself that it was at least _something_.

Plus, none of it escalated to a need for Felix to either defuse a situation or kick someone out - it was all completely harmless in the end.

“Ain’t ya a little far from home?”

Evan sighed. Another long day it would appear, as he stared down the next person to seemingly notice the tawny hue of Evan’s skin or the different angles of his physiognomy.

Yes, boring day accomplished. Check.

The hours passed and Evan was having his thousandth passive aggressive argument with another drunken annoyance, when suddenly a hushed quiet settled through the bar.

Furrowing his eyebrows, Evan ignored the questioning stare of his recent accuser to shoot a glance to Felix behind the bar. He paused.

The blond looked magnificently pale; just about as white as the perceived ghost.

He’s only ever seen Felix that way when… when _Delirious_ was mentioned.

Heart leaping up into his throat, Evan snapped around to the door.

It was a moments thrum of warmth before a wash of cold dampened his emotions to a numbing hum.

Not Delirious, but at least it was CaRtOoNz and Daithi. Together it seemed.

Evan took in a deep breath.

He didn’t even know that the _Delirious Army_ was still docked at Fermildin anyway.

After another beat, the chatter in the tavern started up again, but at a balanced low murmur. It was a big difference to how it was before the duo showed up, but Evan only found himself amused.

There hadn’t been a problem when the men had visited the bar by their lonesome, but together they appeared a force to be reckoned with when by the others side.

Interesting.

He turned back to the man he was having a back-and-forth questioning and omission conversation with, but was surprised when the man easily gave up and let Evan deal with his drinks.

He blinked.

Evan supposed he should take what he could get and quickly removed himself from the crowd, avoiding the wayward feet in his path and scornful looks sent his way.

He went to Felix, sliding into the seat next to Daithi. Passing over a small slip of paper, Evan watched the blond swallow down a lump and swipe it up.

Daithi turned to him, “Oh, look at t’at. Still alive I see.”

CaRtOoNz only raised an eyebrow at them before turning to a still pale Felix working himself behind the bar. Evan really wondered how the blond fared before Evan showed up and what he would do when Evan left.

“Yup, my _mother_ has me on lock down,” he said pointedly in Felix’s direction.

The blond turned around to answer him with a scathing look - to Daithi’s profound amusement. Felix then turned to CaRtOoNz and Daithi, taking their requests with a least some composure only to quickly scuttle away.

“Quite ay timid t’ing, he is,” Daithi said.

“He’s like that.”

“As a bar owner?” CaRtOoNz mumbled.

“Yeah, he’s got some jitters, but he pulls through when he has too. Takes nothing from no one when it comes to his bar,” Evan said, maybe a little too proudly.

Daithi chuckled. “Ye said he’s got ye tied down?”

“I said he’s got me on _lock down_ , Daithi,” Evan corrected.

“For all t’ese days? I wouldn’t ‘ave t’ought ye capable of sittin’ still so long.”

“I would gladly be anywhere else,” Evan said, “This place is boring - but I’d feel bad for ignoring Pewds’ worries and wishes.”

“Ay softie, are ye?”

Evan quirked a smile, “Lately,” he admitted.

“And from t’e looks of yer _lovely_ in’abitants, I’d say ye be ‘avin’ ay great time,” Daithi commented.

“They get a bit difficult because I’m not quite… _the same_ … as them,” Evan said slowly.

“Ah, it never gets old!” Daithi snorted.

“Says the man whose reputation exceeds the reaches of the ocean,” CaRtOoNz huffed, “People never say anything to you with the looming presence of the _Delirious Army_ , Daithi.”

Felix, suddenly appearing out of nowhere, paused as he was sliding over their drinks, but then quickly walked away after a glance to Evan when received a raised eyebrow from CaRtOoNz.

Daithi rolled his eyes, “Don’t ye ever see t’e way people look at me?”

“They judge you for what you do for a living, Daithi,” CaRtOoNz clarified exasperated, looking down at his drink, “And because the _Delirious Army_ doesn’t have the most positive stature.”

“Oh... Well, t’at makes sense. But still!” Daithi insisted, “ _It never gets old_.”

CaRtOoNz rolled his own eyes, but said nothing more.

Evan grinned, “So, I wasn’t expecting you guys to stay docked here for so long.”

CaRtOoNz frowned, “Yeah, the things we came here for are a ‘ _bit_ ’ late. Delirious has been riding my ass about it for days, but they’ll be in by dawn at least.”

“Toony here has been grouchin’ for days about it, so I took him out te get ay drink.”

“‘ _Doctors orders_ ’,” CaRtOoNz grumbled, sipping at his drink.

“T’at’s right! Can’t ignore ay doctor’s order,” Daithi said smugly.

“I don’t know why you didn’t bother Del with your ‘doctor’s orders’ bullshit instead.”

Daithi snorted once more, “Ye know full well t’at t’e cap’ain wouldn’t be as appreciative of ay doctor’s order anymore t’en ye are.”

“Exactly.”

Daithi shrugged, “You love it.”

The irishman was earned a glare in response.

“Wait,” Evan said, something occuring to him as the seconds ticked by, “You guys are leaving soon then?”

Daithi raised an eyebrow at him, “At dawn.”

Evan vaguely wondered why it was that they freely gave him answers to his inquiries. He wouldn’t question it though for fear of losing such honesty by putting it out in the open.

He never questioned much in the first place.

“Del wants out of here. Before something _else_ can set us back,” CaRtOoNz added.

At dawn. Evan blinked.

Delirious was leaving at dawn, and then that would be it.

Life on the run, life looking at azure oceans and endless skies _alone_ \- just to make sure Delirious survived.

A Delirious with the attitude of a man who couldn’t seem to compute _compassion_ or _sympathy_. But still a man that Evan was drawn to, a man that Evan felt protective of, and cared for no matter how he came off as or took the form of.

Evan would continue to note the similarities and major dissimilarities between _his_ Delirious and this new Delirious, but he could never fool himself into believing he could ever separate either of them from his consciousness.

It was _his_ fault anyway, he reminds himself. Evan could only blame himself for Delirious’ death and even the death of himself that lead him to be placed in this… _alternate reality_ with a Delirious prone to be the complete opposite of his original copy.

He frowned, eyes trailing down to the drink in front of him, but he suddenly felt a bit sick.

Evan ignored it, and watched Felix scurry himself around the back of the bar as he waited for the requested drinks he gave on that slip of paper earlier.

“Delirious is at the docks.”

Evan found himself staring at CaRtOoNz past an equally surprised Daithi who said nothing, but also gave a questioning look of his own to his shipmate. CaRtOoNz didn’t meet either of their gazes, but instead gave a dark one into his choice of whiskey.

Delirious is at the docks.

Was this Delirious’ right hand man giving him a subtle push?

...Or was he just looking for an interesting commotion before they hit the ocean waves again?

No, CaRtOoNz was not a man who invited fighting unless necessary, Evan tried to tell himself.

But he didn’t know.

Because Evan didn’t know a lot of things; no matter his experience and past choices.

Swallowing a lump down and trying to push the slew of emotions with it, he heard the clinking of Felix setting a tray down on the surface next to him.

He stumbled to his feet, feeling slightly - concerningly - numb as he grabbed the tray and turned away.

No, he told himself.

It didn’t matter.

Delirious was at the dock’s still.

Evan could talk- no, could at least see him _one more time_.

Maybe they could part on something close to nice terms?

Evan absentmindedly paused in the middle of the tavern crowd feeling a bit suffocated with everything. He took a breath, shoved a few drinks here, and then there.

He didn’t care.

He rushed back to the bar, giving a concerned Felix back his tray.

“Vanoss?”

Evan stopped, swallowed another lump.

Delirious was at the docks.

 _God_ , he’d been stuck inside for too long. He was going crazy.

“I’m going out,” Evan murmured, hazily. “I’m going out.”

The blond looked surprise, “Wait, what? Why-”

“I’ll be back later,” Evan continued, mentality on breakdown.

Felix frowned, but nodded, even thought Evan barely noted it as he spun around to leave.

Yes, Delirious was still at the docks.

That was all that mattered.

It was cold out, Evan realized, already halfway down to the port. His body minutely trembled, and he huffed out little puffs of clouds. Fall had always been his favorite season, but watching his own world die with the surrounding _outside_ world, Evan found it all bittersweet. A sour taste in his mouth.

Delirious was leaving, and that alone made him feel jilted.

Evan wondered how much more he would lose?

And he let out a self-deprecating laugh out into the silence of his decaying world at the thought. He earned some interesting looks from the conglomeration of Fermildin’s populous, but on autopilot, he couldn’t care less for the attention he gained in passing.

The real question was: how much more _could_ Evan lose?

He stopped.

Just outside of the crowd passing the port, Evan stared at the sight of the _Delirious Army_. Just as beautiful and amazing as usual.

And her Captain standing in front of her, back turned to Evan as he also stood there to seemingly admire his own sea vessel.

Something Evan never thought he would ever see again.

Like the smile in a determined ocean blue gaze, or the rasping, chaotic sound of a laugh he loved more than anything, or even the kind tone of a soothing voice that seemed to calm every storm within Evan’s mess of self.

It was an image for sore eyes.

He blinked and then Delirious was facing _him_.

Blank navy eyes, a strightboard back, a masked face that was more misleading than it ever was, and an aura that screamed deadly.

They were only a few feet apart, but Evan could see ocean’s upon ocean’s of distance between them.

They were two different people, standing in a similar scene of old.

“You’re leaving,” Evan forced out.

No movement, no answer.

Delirious continued to stare at him with an emptiness in his eyes that scared Evan more than anything. It was a similar emptiness that _his_ Delirious had saved him from.

An emptiness that Evan struggled with everyday now that his moon had gone away.

“Take me with you.”

Delirious blinked. “No.”

“Why not?”

“No,” Delirious brusquely intoned.

Evan straightened his posture, “I’m not asking,” he said voice dangerously low as he tried to ignite a flame with the pirate captain, “I want to know why the fuck not?”

Blue eyes narrowed, but they almost seemed lighter. A royal blue, swirling and teeming with some familiar emotion that Evan struggled to name. And then it came to him with a weight against his shoulders.

Mirth.

 _Mirth_  he realized. Evan deflated immediately.

Was this man messing with him?

Keeping him on a string and pulling it when Evan got too close to what he wanted.

He was amused by Evan’s struggle. A constant tug of war. Evan pulled and Delirious choked him.

Well… Evan could work with that.

“Let me give you a bargain then,” Evan said, voice carefully blank and eyes focused on ocean ones, that faded out again this new declaration. He noted that Delirious never answered Evan’s last admission as well. “Give me two years. You get a loyal scapegoat to do your bidding for two years and then you can do away with me however you’d like.”

The man said nothing for a while, “And what do you get out of this?”

Something sparked in Evan’s heart, but he smothered it, “To be part of the _Delirious Army_.”

Delirious didn’t look convinced, “That’s all?”

“What else do I need?” Evan asked, but Delirious didn’t have an answer for him.

Evan would say even he didn’t have an answer, but he did. He knew exactly what he wanted, what he _needed_. But he knew there was no chance he would ever get it - would never be so lucky - so the _Delirious Army_ was the most he could ask for.

 _More than_ he could ask for, but he’d take what he could get.

“I don’t know what pirates like, but I do know that a lot of people like to be ‘ _official_ ’,” Evan threw out there, “I’d sign anything you’d like me to sign, or do anything you’d like me to do. Really, you get more out of this then I ever would,” Evan commented nonchalantly.

Delirious was silent for so long, Evan almost worried that he broke the man - or was dreaming and couldn’t imagine what Delirious’ consent would sound like - but then Delirious was moving.

Moving away.

Delirious turned his back to Evan, and made his way to the ramp that lead up to the _Delirious Army_ ’s main deck.

Evan’s heart sunk.

Last chance gone. Shattered and broken up on the ground.

Bile rose up into his throat, and Evan tried to weakly keep it down.

Nothing he shouldn’t have expected. But not any more comforting to know.

“Be on the ship at dawn.”

Evan blinked, hearing Delirious’ voice clearly as it cut through all his thoughts and emotions with ease.

At dawn.

His eyes followed the pirate captain as the man reached the main deck.

Delirious stopped there, hands coming to fold into each other behind his back.

“If you don’t show, I never want to see you again. I’ll kill you otherwise.”

There was a sting in his eyes, but he ignored it.

“Of course,” Evan responded dutifully.

Delirious walked away and once out of sight, Evan looked down at his hands.

He couldn’t quite comprehend, but it just sounded like Delirious gave Evan permission to sail the oceans with him.

His heart gave a steady rhythm of mayhem in his chest.

He’d made it.

Evan actually made it.

He’s finally one step ahead of himself, working for a future where hopefully, _never_ does the _Delirious Army_ and the _Chaos_ meet on the open seas.

The thought was almost too good to be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've decided that I'll try to do second chapters per week and post them if I can, but otherwise nothing's changed much.
> 
> This was supposed to be up Thursday, but I got stuck being really busy with cleaning for future company and such. Then my graduation ceremony was Friday, so these past few days have just been so chaotic. The first part of this chapter probably shows it - I've been in so many different mindsets as I tried writing this, so the beginning seems a bit choppy to me.
> 
> Either way, I had a conversation with a friend of mine about _Chance_ a bit ago, and she said that there was a song or so that reminded her of Del of Old and Evan's relationship. Which interested me because before that another friend of mine said that he also had a song that resembled _Chance_ as well.
> 
> I myself have my own songs that remind me of certain characters and the sort of aura I feel about the world _Chance_ takes place in.
> 
> So, I'm wondering if anyone else has music that makes them think of _Chance_?
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	12. “I'm just lucky.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Delirious had been Evan’s moon, a revolving light that illuminated the darkness of his heart, the darkness that consumed him before he could fight back, the darkness that had once saved him from the enfeeble emotions of his soul that he could never understand._
> 
> _Delirious had been Evan’s everything._

Daithi and CaRtOoNz were gone by the time Evan got back to the bar, but he didn't really put much thought into it as he tried to think of how to explain to Felix what was going through his head.

It didn't help that the blond was staring him down over the bar with that usual worry creased forehead and intensive sky colored gaze.

“I'm leaving.”

Not quite what he wanted to say, but it was one hell of a summary.

“ _What_?” Instantly, Evan had all Felix’s attention and then some. Gone was the worried countenance and instead, there was a thin veil of panic masked in confusion.

Evan took a deep breath, fingers trembling as he clenched and unclenched them. He didn't know if it was from excitement or some other debilitating emotion eating away at his insides. “I’m leaving,” he repeated uselessly.

Felix paused, expression giving way to worry again, “Where are you going? Why so soon?” The young man glanced to the door behind Evan, suddenly suspicious, “Was it something those two said?”

Evan quirked a smile. Felix caught on quick when he wanted to. “Yes, well… Not quite, but CaRtOoNz - he…”

Felix was frowning now; and angry, “He didn't threaten you, did he? I told you those pirates were no-goods-”

Evan put his hands up in surrender to help visually discontinue Felix’s oncoming pirate rant, “No, no! Not at all. CaRtOoNz helped me!”

“What?” The blond looked lost, blue eyes turned cornflower in his bewilderment, “I don’t understand…”

“He told me Delirious was at the docks,” he watched Felix’s eyes flash cold in fear, then hot in anger before making a cursory glance around them at the use of Delirious’ name. Evan ignored it as he rushed to continue, “And, well, Delirious _was_ there-"

“Wait,” Felix growled, “So  _that's_ why you left so suddenly?”

“ _Yes_ , Pewds,” Evan exasperated, “Delirious was at the docks, and he was leaving soon anyway - what was a last bit of contact before I lost the chance?”

A beat of silence.

“You said he _was_ leaving?”

Evan cleared his throat nervously - suddenly not so confident about telling Felix that he was now a part of the very group of people the blond both feared and looked so poorly upon.

“And now _you're_ leaving?” The young man was frowning and suddenly blanked face.

Taking a deep breath, Evan let himself relax at his next revelation, “Yes. Because he's finally allowed me to be part of the _Delirious Army_ , Felix.”

Felix swallowed thickly at his name, the silence between them dragging until suddenly he was turning away without a word. Nothing more was said as the blond took back into the routine of his everyday job, and Evan took the silence as his dismissal.

Evan had expected something along these lines, but he was still just a bit disappointed.

He left to go to his room - might as well get ready to leave now.

The hours passed quite slow as Evan seated himself at the bar after a moment to gather his things - watching a still silent Felix work the place with ease while night closed in.

As the evening faded into dark, there were no visits of anyone belonging to the _Delirious Army_. Felix was visibly relaxing with every hour that passed without incident and becoming more sure of himself as he readily ignored Evan’s presence. It almost hurt, but Evan knew the blond was only trying to rationalize everything.

The morning hours were drawing close, though, and Evan was wondering if he should just leave at this point.

A glance at Felix and Evan stood up. He made sure he had everything he needed, and turned to walk out the door. He had left the rest of his pocket money to Felix, having stuck it behind the bar for only the young man to notice.

It's not like he'd really need it. All he needed was Delirious.

“Vanoss…”

He stopped. Turning to Felix’s saddened face and solemn cerulean eyes, they both hesitated.

“I should get a head start, you know?” Evan started a little awkwardly. “I can't exactly be late, Del- um, the captain will ‘ _kill me otherwise_ ’,” he gave a small amused smile.

Captain. He got to call him _Captain_ again.

His insides squirmed with warmth and nostalgia, but he pushed the feelings away to digest later in order to focus on his friend, one he’d be leaving soon.

Felix bit his lip, “I don't know what to say - what to _do_ \- how to really feel about all of this,” he said honestly, “But I can guess how much this means to you, how _happy_ you probably feel about it all - so I can't really bring myself to hate it as much as I want to.”

Evan smiled.

The blond stubbornly protested with a frown, “I _mightily_ _disapprove_.” Evan snorted to Felix’s bitterment, and blue eyes rolled, “ _But_ , with that said, I still wish you the best of luck and good health.”

“Thank you, Pewds."

“I want you to come back to me, though,” Felix suddenly interjected, atmosphere quicky turning cold as blond bangs shadowed the young man’s face too much for Evan to read. “And I want you back _alive_.”

There’s a brief silence, and then Evan grinned as soon as he had the ability to do so. “Do you really think that the universe can put me down so easily?”

Felix rolled his eyes at Evan’s lack of gravity, “I guess not. You have a knack for doing the unexpected of everything we already deemed pretty much impossible,” the young man muttered, shaking his head in numb disbelief, slowly dislodging the frigid ambience of before, “You never really do _anything_ right, do you?”

Wasn't that an understatement.

He ignored the sharp pain that cut into his heart at the thought, “I'm just lucky.”

“You defy all logic and reason. You're lucky _and then some_! You're like a miracle in the flesh.”

“Now you're just flattering me,” Evan laughed, though he couldn’t truly deny the accuracy of the blonds words; dying and then coming back to life in a different timeline seemed pretty miracle-like to him. It had to defy all the logic and reason in the universe, surely.

Felix rolled his eyes again, “It wasn’t on purpose, I assure you. You just astound me, and not usually in the best of ways.”

“That’s sounds about right,” Evan huffed, “But I have to get going now, Pewds. And don’t you worry, I’ll be back. You can’t get rid of me so easily, I promise.”

Felix was quiet for a second more, eyebrows angled down and forehead creased with worry, “Okay,” the blond murmured, sky eyes cloudy before a small farwell smile was pulling at his lips, “Be safe.”

Evan grinned, “Always.”

And then Evan found himself out in the cold.

The moon was full and bright, washing the dark out with a soft blue-white glow. The cobblestones were a cold, light grey, and the buildings were just as frosty looking. This would be something his Delirious would have found amazing, Evan was sure. The man had always been all about the night sky; the moon, the stars, _everything_.

Delirious had never stopped gushing, never stopped finding it breathtaking.

And one thing Delirious had loved more than anything was a timeless moment; when the ocean would go completely still, no wind, no waves to disrupt its crystalline surface. When the night sky was clear, cloudless and stark, each star bright and the moon full in it’s luminescence. And played into the reflective depths of the water, the night sky would be an extension of everything that it touched.

It would be like they were floating out in the night sky themselves - a single ship drifting out in the wonders of the universe; an ephemeral sight, but almost eternal with it’s beauty and reverence.

Evan, too, had fallen in love instantly the first time he saw such a surreal scene, though at the time, he could never quite figure out the emotion.

But that had only been the beginning of what Delirious would show Evan - a small glimpse into the wonders of a pirate captain who sailed for the joy of the ocean, and not for the goal to dominate the world. The awe, the beauty, the absolute _emotion_.

There was a time when he started to realize that everything that Delirious had been, started to become a part of Evan himself. There had just been something so _surreal_ about the pirate captain; something beautiful, ethereal, too good to be true. He had been a marvel - a treasure of unfathomable humanity and kindness.

Delirious had taught Evan what it meant to be _human_ , what it meant to _feel_. Compassion, sympathy, contentment, friendship, family… _love, happiness_.

He realized that Delirious himself had become a major part of Evan’s world; an essential, a necessity, for both his life and his sanity.

Evan needed Delirious just to _breathe_.

And that - that had scared him more than anything ever did.

Delirious had been Evan’s moon, a revolving light that illuminated the darkness of his heart, the darkness that consumed him before he could fight back, the darkness that had once saved him from the enfeeble emotions of his soul that he could never understand.

Delirious had been Evan’s everything.

And just as Delirious had a knack for turning everything Evan knew on its head, Evan himself always had a knack for destroying everything around him.

“Well, aren’t you a bit early.”

Evan blinked back into the present, seeing the familiar, now bluish-white, washed burgundy shape of CaRtOoNz standing before him.

He was indeed on the docks somehow, looks like he was lost in recollection for longer than he originally thought.

“You were able to make Delirious change his mind,” the man continued, “Good job. Very few are able and… well, _alive_ , for such a feat.”

Evan gave a weak smile, feeling a bit exhausted, “I’m just lucky,” he said for the second time that day.

“Well, with that kind of luck, you just might make it on the _Delirious Army_.”

“I hope so,” Evan murmured.

There’s an empty silence before CaRtOoNz is waving him forward to board the ship. “Come, you’ll be fine. Let’s get you settled.”

Evan followed in quiet, watching and sometimes maneuvering out of the way of a busy crew working in sync to get the ship up and ready for sail in a short hour and a half. They worked efficiently and quickly - just like they always did - but this time they were eerily silent in their work. Just worker bees making their do in the hush of night, little drones for the use of the queen.

Ah yes, Delirious was definitely a queen in his own right; Evan smiled at the thought.

In a different world, this crew would be chittering and buzzing with the lightness of a cheery crowd - teeming with the enthusiasm of a job well done.

Not this time ‘round, though, Evan reckoned.

Endearing, he supposed, but a little unnerving all the same.

“They still don’t quite understand why you so suddenly became part of the crew,” CaRtoONz said in a respectively low, but serious tone. “But they’ll come around soon enough, so don’t mind them.”

“And the captain?”

CaRtOoNz gave him a glance, “He’ll come around too.”

Evan quirked a smile, “I hope you’re right, Right Hand.”

A huff of amusement, “I always am.”

Evan gave a hushed laugh, “Of course. I have to ask though, as Right Hand, why are you leading me around? Don’t you have better things to do then show the new guy to his room?”

CaRtOoNz grunted, “Look, Delirious has been riding my ass non-stop about this whole mess with the late fucking shipments. I know he’s pissed, we’re all pissed too, but it’s easier to just let him cool off by himself than let him pick away at my sanity.”

“So, you’re ditching him.”

“In crude terms, yes. For some reason he’s unbearably stubborn about his dislike for you,” CaRtOoNz nonchalantly admitted.

Ignoring the violent twist of his heart, Evan let out a small chuckle, “So, to make him stay away, you’re using me.”

“Don’t make me sound so deplorable,” the Right Hand said amused. “You’re pretty interesting, not terrible to be around anyway, and even Daithi has taken a fascination with you.”

“Is that your way of saying you like me?”

A grunt, “Let's not get ahead of yourself,” the man instantly mumbled.

Evan laughed, “Of course.”

Soon they were at a door, and CaRtOoNz shoved it open. The room was small, but not abnormally so, though it was dark and almost stuffy. It smelled of dust and old wood.

It wasn’t terrible, but Evan was sure that he probably got the worst of it because of Delirious’ petty stubbornness. And a look at CaRtOoNz’s pinched face gave away just about everything.

Evan could only imagine how that conversation went.

“So, what are these shipments anyway?”

CaRtOoNz was silent as he walked further into Evan’s room and dragged a finger over the surface of a small rickety nightstand stood next to the dreary cot that was to be Evan’s bed. Delirious nor the crew probably made an effort to make him feel anymore welcome than he already was; Evan watched CaRtOoNz rub his fingertips together to disengage the dust he gathered from the shoddy bedside table.

Looks like he’s got some cleaning to do soon.

“Just some things we needed, simplicities that needed to be taken care of…” The man said vaguely, voice low and slightly uncomfortable.

“Did I ask a wrong question?”

“I just can’t tell you anything until you talk with Delirious,” CaRtOoNz clarified, “He was _very_ adamant about it.”

Because he doesn’t trust Evan.

Evan swallowed a heavy lump in his throat, as he moved to light the candles on his nightstand, “Sensable.”

“I agree. Though, Delirious has always been paranoid about everything.”

“He protecting what’s rightfully his.”

CaRtOoNz stopped, turning shadowed brown eyes to his. “You are very accepting of how Delirious treats you.”

“Should I not be?”

“Well, I suppose, but you should express yourself a bit more, you know?”

Evan almost grinned at that. CaRtOoNz himself, awkwardly giving him advice on how to be emotive. Wasn’t that just a sight?

“I am, really,” Evan said, glancing around the place that would be his room for the next two years, “I’m grateful I even have the chance to be part of the _Delirious Army_ , “ Evan smiled, “I’m use to following rules, to making do with what I have, to, well, to just dealing with stuff. I’ll be fine. Already, this is so much better than anything I could have wished for.”

A short pause and then CaRtOoNz was turning around to leave, “If you say so,” he murmured, “Come, I’ll show you to Del’s office,” the man said.

Evan blinked, giving a short glance around his room one more time - noting the dark paneled walls and creaky floorboards, the way the bed looked to tremble with just the pace of one person - then threw down his small bag of belongings to the floor and kicked it under the rudimentary cot.

He’ll process it all a little more later; he promised himself as he locked everything away in a box.

Delirious’ ‘ _office_ ’ was exactly where it was from what Evan remembered. He didn’t have much more time to think of it as CaRtOoNz was throwing him some luck and inching away as quickly as possible, leaving Evan to the sharks - or well, _the_ shark.

“Um, good luck, man,” CaRtOoNz said, “Just knock and wait, you’ll know when to go in. Delirious is a jerk, but he does get his shit done, so don’t worry about being left here for who-knows-how-long, alright?”

Evan blinked, “Uh, sure.”

Delirious gets his shit done? Did this CaRtOoNz figure out a secret way to make Delirious more motivated about the menial things or something?

“You can find me around anywhere afterwards if you need me, otherwise Del will give you the rundown on your responsibilities.”

Evan nodded, and CaRtOoNz gave a sharp nod of his own before scuttling away with as much dignity as a Right Hand could have.

Evan took a deep breath and turned to the door that Delirious was behind. A world away, Evan remembered doing this same scene once before. Except, at that time, he had walked into a totally unknown situation - one where it turned out that Delirious was a kind and altruistic leader who flipped everything that Evan was on it’s head - while in this one, he knew exactly what he was getting himself into.

And this Delirious was the complete opposite of the person he so desperately wanted. This Delirious was not the man who would throw his life away for a bastard like Evan, but a man who would gladly kill him for the sole pleasure of getting rid of an annoyance.

Yes, this man was akin to a demon wearing an angels skin.

Wincing at his brain’s analogy, Evan couldn’t help but wonder at the mess he’s made of everything while he brought a hand up to the door before him and gave a firm knock to stir the devils nest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's a bit late, sorry, but I think that two chapter update the week before hopefully makes up for it. My computer didn't really want to connect to the internet all week and when it did, I was at a lost of motivation for a bit.
> 
> That being said, I'm in the process of making a playlist of songs for _Chance_ \- which really helped me get back my motivation - if anyone would be interested when I'm finished, let me know. :3
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	13. “Vanoss will do.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I see you took some liberties,” Evan commented, giving Delirious a glance._
> 
> _“I don’t take liberties.”_
> 
> _“It says here that if anyone believes I am ‘compromised’ and the captain -_ you _\- agrees, I can be_ extinguished _.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! It's done - well - for now. I'll be adding to it as I go, but right now I'm pretty much done with it :3
> 
> [Playlist](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1okQ9XtuILFZumezT8D1hCrHaZH_seLBBWWrJo7vtrcM/edit?usp=sharing)
> 
> Hope it lives up to all your expectations, haha.

There was a few moments of tense silence before some muffled shuffling noises came through the door. Evan shifted his weight nervously from one foot to the other - not a habit he had before spending so much time with Felix. It’ll fade away within the weeks away, he was sure.

“Come in,” Delirious’ voice cut through the door and Evan’s thoughts without preamble.

So Evan opened the door the same way.

He was immediately hit by how warm and inviting the room was - just like it was before. All the same warm browns and creams of fabrics and furniture, all the same candles and somewhat elaborate woodwork, and the same half curtained window.

Delirious sat in front of said window, his desk facing the door Evan entered from while his back faced the window; everything was the same exact layout and figuration from Evan’s memory. The thought made him feel uncomfortable.

This wasn’t _his_ Delirious, it felt wrong to have so many similarities between them.

However, noting the intent focus Delirious’ had on whatever that paper was, was also like a stab in the gut. _His_ Delirious was never so focused on anything that had to do with papers or the like. Anything that had ‘ _boring_ ’ written all over it was a thing on Delirious’ list to ignore - CaRtOoNz was always fighting with the captain to get anything relatively important done.

It had been something that use to confuse Evan to no end in the beginning of his stay on the _Delirious Army_ , but soon became something he found endearing; though he wouldn’t have admitted it. Not back then.

The man in front of him made a slight movement, and Evan snapped back into the present; locking eyes with dark colored ones aliken to that of a storm clouded ocean - all emotions and thoughts on sudden standby as he waited with baited breath for any more movement or any threat. Delirious didn’t do anything, however, just sitting there watching Evan for a silent moment before he went back to whatever he was working on.

“Of course it’s you,” the man droned. “Sit, I’m almost done with this.”

Evan blinked, but moved to do as he was told, sitting in one of the two chairs before Delirious’ desk. Things broke down as Delirious went right back to his work, seeming content to ignore that Evan even came in. In the meanwhile, Evan took to another glance around the room to try and pass the time.

Everything was the same though. It was the only thought that kept nagging at the back of his head, too strong for him to really focus on anything of real importance - like what the captain was working so meticulously on.

He noticed the same picture on the far wall, the same picture frame, the same desk down to the same curves and carvings, the same colored paneled walls, the same nicknacks on the mentioned desk and miscellaneous furniture scattered against the walls, the same rugs beneath their feet of the same color and texture… the same man sitting in the desk across from the same chairs in which Evan occupied one of.

It was not the same man, however, Evan told himself again - that same dull heartache pounding in his chest at the reminder.

Delirious was not the same altruistic, fun-loving, rambunctious man his original copy was. The original was not a focused person, either, not someone who could sit down and so intently work on something that he deemed ‘boring’ or ‘too time consuming’. The original was instead a spontaneous man who had his serious moments, but enjoyed his lazy hours more; who loved fun, jokes, and anything adrenaline inducing.

This man was not fun, nor spontaneous; no. This man was serious down to the finest bone in his body - and just as frigid. A frozen eclipse of snow and rain, an ocean forever timeless in an endless void of soul.

Yes, that was the same mask, the same hair, the same clothes, the same maybe slightly altered voice, but this man’s eyes showed just how different he was.

Evan wondered how this came to be; one man made an angel in human skin while another man of the same cut instead an apathetic killer who made the world fear him with just the sound of his name.

The desk was the only thing to keep them distant this time around, Evan noted silently to himself, but at the same time he knew there was a whole lot more separating them. The vast oceans of time and space were only the beginning.

Evan trailed his eyes over the pirate captain’s figure, noting all the shadow the window casted over the front of the man’s person; almost giving an intimidating perspective of sharp angles and gloom. That was, if Evan had been another person - he’s already seen passed most of the things that would make Delirious intimidating to him. Except for him looking and sounding exactly like the original Delirious Evan was so attached to.

Delirious didn’t seem to notice Evan’s stare, still working quite determinedly on whatever he was trying to finish. The captain was heavily subdued, his breathing almost barely heard over the void between them as he wrote a few words, dipped and pen in the ink, wrote a few more words, and continued in a repeated a pattern.

Delirious’ hand flowed over the paper smoothly and confidently, no errors to be seen and no hesitation in sight. All curves of a letter were practiced and perfect, and each rewetting of the ink was proficiently timed.

It was unnerving, but impressive all the same.

The silence slowly became strained, though Evan couldn’t tell if Delirious was effected - or even why it suddenly got so restricted in the first place. The man continued to keep up his mechanical penmanship - write a few words, dip the pen in the ink - and faltered none while the atmosphere became thick and tight between them as the minutes ticked away.

Then there, Evan spotted it; the slight flicker through pools of blue to show that the man was indeed picking up on the ambient nature of their quietude; though it was probably just annoyance flashing through those austere orbs of his.

Most likely, Delirious was probably contemplating why he ever agreed to this bargain. Or maybe he was wondering why he didn’t ask for a name before inviting Evan into his office, he could have left him out in the hall a little longer.

Hopefully, Delirious wasn’t considering kicking Evan out... yet.

Delirious suddenly broke his patterned behavior, instantly gaining Evan’s full attention while he put his feathered pen into its holder, and capped the inkwell.

Evan blinked, watching with a quickened heartbeat as Delirious methodically worked around his desk area, making sure everything was tidy and clean except for the recently finished paper that sat alone and stark in the middle of his work space.

Delirious met his gaze, frozen ocean eyes locking with melted honey.

“You’re quiet.”

Evan’s brain blanked out at the unexpected comment, the sudden voice, and the scorching panic that unnecessarily seared through his veins. An adrenaline rush he never experienced before made his heart skip, skip, and falter into an agonizingly slow thrum as he forced his breathing to remain calm and even through the chaos. “This is your area,” he managed to scrape from the mess of his conscious.

Delirious’ eyes didn’t change, no flicker, no flash, no indication that Evan’s words meant anything to him, “Of course it is, but experience shows me how often you’re so considerate.”

Evan almost wanted to laugh at that, a empty laugh at how equally empty that low jab was, “I know when there’s a time to keep my mouth shut, _sir_ ,” he replied.

Ah, there it was; a narrowing of navy eyes, a knife's edge of hidden impatience and annoyance, “I’ll believe it when I see it,” the man murmured, and Evan wondered what that meant before Delirious was picking up that paper he had just been so diligently working on. He held it out for Evan to take.

Evan blinked, eyebrow shooting up as he gingerly took the paper from Delirious’ hand, “What’s this.”

“Your contract.”

Something inside of him went cold at those words. Evan slowly became heavy and suffocated; breathing shuddering while his eyes searched out Delirious’ own, but those dark eyes seemed to be locked onto the paper in Evan’s hands.

“My _contract_?”

Blue eyes met his, something lost between them as Delirious leaned back in his seat only a fraction, “Yes, your contract. You bargained for it, remember?”

Evan blinked, “Well, yes,” he swallowed down the tight lump in his throat, “Yes, I did.” His eyes scanned down the words, but couldn’t really make them out through the heavy thump of his heartbeat struggling to sludge his blood through his veins.

“It’s a clarification of all the conditions agreed to this two year _jaunt_ ,” Delirious drawled. “You just get to sign the bottom.”

“I only have to sign it?” Evan tested.

Apathetic oxford washed orbs narrowed dangerously, “And _memorize_ it.”

Evan looked down at the paper, skimming the perfectly characterized letters, and beautiful wording that in contrast did not have as beautiful a meaning. Evan would be signing his life away again - though technically it would he his first time doing it for himself and not having someone else do the honors for him.

The contract was quite vague, Evan noted, though maybe it was because he was given more freedom in this one than in his last one. He had been able to ask Nanners’ to let him have a peak at the piece of parchment that imprisoned his life after he was given his first ‘mission’ at the age twelve - and it was a lot more detailed about the can do’s and cannot do’s that Evan was allowed than this one did.

“I see you took some liberties,” Evan commented, giving Delirious a glance.

“I don’t take liberties.”

“It says here that if anyone believes I am ‘compromised’ and the captain - _you_ \- agrees, I can be _extinguished_.”

Delirious gave nothing away in his eyes, nor his body language, “There are preexisting conditions to being apart of the _Delirious Army_ ,  _Vanoss_ ,” the man stated with a steely tone and an emphasis on Evan’s nickname, “Even before this ‘ _bargain_ ’ of yours.”

Evan pressed his lips together into a straight line, “Okay, so this means that you can end my life whenever you feel like it.”

“If it’s felt that you-”

“-are compromised - yeah, yeah, I got it,” Evan grumbled, ignoring Delirious’ glare at being interrupted. “You have something I can use?”

Delirious grabbed the feathered pen lazily hanging in the holder next to the one he had recently used - handing that and the inkwell to Evan without ambivalence. It was a subtle, but strong message from the pirate captain for Evan to realize that he and Delirious were cut from different cloth - were on different levels.

They met eyes, and Evan made sure to convey his exact thoughts on that implication, but the man gave no indication that he cared.

Evan pressed his lips into a line again, though this time in barely contained anger and hurt, “There you go, your _highness_ ,” Evan groused, catching the way the man stiffen at the term, “You have yourself your own personal scapegoat.”

Evan dipped the pen into the inkwell and made sure to sloppily drip some of the stain over the perfectly written parchment as he carried the instrument down to the signature line at the bottom. Petty, yes, but equally satisfying as he scratched his name into the paper.

When he was done he offered the flimsy thing back, now imperfect and signed. He also handed back the pen and ink.

A look into Delirious’ eyes and the man was infinitely irritated.

Feeling a bit bitter and a whole lot wounded even after all his previous petty jabs, Evan proffered a sardonic smile, “I forgot to ask if you wanted my real name with that,” brazen, bold, idiotic, but Evan felt it was a small price for Delirious to deal with his insolence after Evan just signed his life away to him.

Narrowed, silently furious eyes locked with his own, “Vanoss will do,” the man answered lowly, tone edging on dangerous.

“Is that all?”

Delirious paused, looking as if he was contemplating something before he answered just as bitterly, “That’s all, you may leave now.”

Evan gave another sarcastic smile, “Thanks, have a wonderful night.”

Evan took his leave with as much dignity as he could. He was more than relieved when the door closed behind him and he paused, a sigh escaping his lungs without permission. He rested against the cold door that separated him from an equally cold man.

Aithíres.

Once his heart calmed and his thoughts mellowed out, Aithíres was the first thing to instantly stand out. Evan just pledged himself to Aithíres - whatever the hell that was. Maybe Delirious didn’t think he’d see it, or maybe he was as arrogant as he played and _wanted_ Evan to see it, but Evan didn’t sign himself over to the _Delirious Army_ or Delirious himself.

He signed himself over to Aithíres.

_I, Vanoss, pledge myself to the stated conditions above and my life to Aithíres for the duration of this contract’s credibility._

Looks like there are mysteries to be unraveled.

He took a deep breath and finally pulled away from the door. Evan worried his bottom lip and followed down the familiar halls of a distant life.

Delirious didn’t give him a run down on his duties, so he’d have to find CaRtOoNz. Maybe that’s why the man hesitated before kicking him out, though it looked like he knew his right hand would take care of it. Seems he didn’t like Evan that much.

Evan wasn’t all that surprised. A little wounded, yes, but not surprised. He brought it on himself anyway.

Someone brushed against his side a little roughly, breaking him out of his thoughts. He turned to see who it was, but didn’t recognize the person who bumped shoulders with him. A glance around and he started to realize how busy it really was - a few people here, another couple there. Many of them ended up meeting eyes with him before snapping their gazes away.

Ah. The center of attention now, was he?

Evan quickened his pace to the main deck - wouldn’t do to hog up everyone’s scrutiny.

Dawn was coming in fast - everyone was visibly restless and CaRtOoNz was a hard man to find in the midst of it all.

He gained more stares than he did information; though, he wasn’t completely comfortable with talking with anyone yet. They looked more suspicious than they did welcoming - not too unlike their captain.

“Vanoss!”

Evan turned around to find Bryce there with his sunny little grin and his cystilline cyan eyes.

“McQuaid.”

“I heard the captain finally took you in,” the boy said, “Didn’t think I would see you on the ship again, but here you are! Lucky, I would say.”

“I wouldn’t say you’re wrong. I’m surprised he even accepted; he still seems a bit peeved about it all,” Evan muttered, which earned a captivated laugh from Bryce. “I’m sure CaRtOoNz will be hearing about it for months... Hey, do you know _where_ CaRtOoNz is?”

“Oh, yeah!” Bryce nodded his head towards the direction of the quarter deck, “He’s watching over the main deck, here, come this way,” Bryce waved him forward, and Evan followed.

CaRtOoNz was indeed watching over the main deck, every inch the severe Right Hand he was standing at the lip of the quarter deck, hands folded behind his back with a stiff posture of his own. His face was as blank as ever, eyes dark and hair perfectly on point.

“One would think he was getting ready for war,” Bryce muttered, mouth twitching down, but the glint in his eyes showed his amusement.

“Maybe he is,” Evan shrugged, “That shipment should be here soon and I heard CaRtOoNz was the one getting all the captains complains on the matter.”

Bryce quirked a grin, “Maybe.”

Evan returned a smile in reply.

“Vanoss!”

Evan blinked, turning his gaze back to the Right Hand who was the second person to call his name within the past twenty minutes of him being let out of Delirious’ cabin. A record, Evan supposed.

“Come up,” the man called, and Bryce chuckled in response.

“Looks like you have more important things to deal with,” the boy commented.

Evan grinned, “I’ll see you around, McQuaid.”

“Later, Vanoss!” Bryce disappeared into the crowd as easily as he appeared.

Evan gave a fleeting huff of amusement before following his call to the quarter deck.

“How was it?” CaRtOoNz immediately asked when Evan was within earshot.

“He didn’t try to kill me at least.”

Amusement passed through CaRtOoNz’s brown gaze “That’s a good start.”

“He’s definitely ready to do so soon, though.”

CaRtOoNz raised an eyebrow at him, “Really? What did you do?”

Evan shrugged, “I may or may not have messed up some of his ink work.”

An abrupt laugh delayed CaRtOoNz’s response, “Are you kidding me?”

“Nope, he kicked me out before he could tell me what I’d be doing around the ship.”

CaRtOoNz shook his head, “I don’t know about you, kid. Del isn’t much for disrespect, you should tone it down a bit.”

Evan shot him a grin, “One day that won’t be the case.”

CaRtOoNz blinked, a sudden silence filling the space between them for a moment until the man allowed a small smile play on his lips, “You’re something else.”

“I always am.”

CaRtOoNz huffed, “Yeah, yeah. Now,” he said, tone implying to change the subject, “It’s almost dawn.”

“I don’t see anything on the water,” Evan said squinting over the navy skyline.

CaRtOoNz frowned, “Neither do I.”

Evan peered over at the docks, but even that was inconclusive - everything was eerily silent as the seconds slowly ticked away into minutes that lethargically pulled the sunlight into an azure and orange horizon.

He decided to ask CaRtOoNz about Aithíres later, once all the excitement passed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, it's finally done!
> 
> This chapter could have been finished days ago if I didn't have so many issues with my internet connection. Anyway, thank you all so much for the patience!!! Hope you enjoyed :3
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	14. “Don’t be afraid to say it.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Delirious_ knew _from the beginning that his life mattered above all - and everyone agreed wholeheartedly - but he put_ Evan’s _first._
> 
> _Why the fuck would-_
> 
> _“Vanoss?”_

“Have you gotten any sleep yet?”

The sky was gradually turning pale blue as the minutes slowly passed from dawn into day - no sign of anything to do with those shipments, though. CaRtOoNz had silently elapsed the time with an internal stewing anger and a molton brown gaze that showed exactly how he felt about the situation.

Evan was sure he wouldn’t want to know Delirious’ reaction to it all, nor did he want to be around when he and CaRtOoNz had a ‘discussion’ about it.

Some things were better left unknown.

“What?” Evan turned tired eyes to the Right Hand while his thoughts slowly churned out something vaguely coherent.

“It’s about time you go to bed, yeah?”

“But I just got here.”

The man rolled his eyes, “There’s nothing for you to do yet, and duty won’t be for a few hours. You’ll be far more useful with at least a couple hours of sleep than none.”

Evan frowned, “I work fine with or without sleep.”

CaRtOoNz raised an eyebrow at him, “At what expense?”

There’s a pause.

“Nothing,” Evan said, frown still in place, “Why would there be an expense to having good work ethic?”

“Why would one waste the chance to sleep if it could _better_ their work ethic?” CaRtOoNz countered.

“When one _cannot_ sleep,” came out of his mouth before he could think about it.

There’s another pause.

CaRtOoNz made a contemplative noise, giving a shrug, “Well, we’ve all been there,” he commented. “McQuaid has been annoying me about having no help in the galley - or, rather, the aid he does have isn’t cutting it. You’ll be helping out there; the most and least I could do without making you mop the deck until you were blistered and bleeding like Del wanted.”

Evan raised an eyebrow of his own, “You mean, I’m not completely safe from deck mopping?”

“Basically, yeah.”

A smile graced his mouth, “I’m not surprised.”

“You’re optimistic about this - a little thing of positivity, aren’t you?” CaRtOoNz mused.

Evan laughed, “Oh god, no. No,” he gave a cheeky grin, “I’m just finding more things about the captain I can consider ‘ _winsome_ ’. Now, I’ll go find that galley - I assume you’ve been trying to get rid of me with this whole sleep thing; McQuaid should be there, yeah?”

CaRtOoNz blinked, looking only the slightest bit bewildered, “Uh, yeah...”

“Well, I’ll see you later then; you just let me know when I can help out. Even if it’s just mopping the decks.” Evan made his way to the stairs leading down to the main deck.

In the corner of his eye he could see the man shaking his head - but Evan had a feeling it wasn’t truly because of a bad connotation.

Squeezing himself passed shipmates with odd looks in their eyes, Evan took a bit to find the kitchen - he never was good with directions and he never really remembered much of his time at the area anyway to make it any easier. And to top it all off, Bryce was most definitely _not_ in there either.

A small room, all bare bones and shadows - but it brought back a few good memories at least.

Walking into the silent, still room, Evan was sure he could almost convince himself that this was all some terrible nightmare. That he could imagine his Delirious up there on the main deck instead, doing his usual goof things and CaRtOoNz berating him for it.

He could close his eyes, and imagine the kindness in Delirious’ soft ocean ones when the man had sat Evan here - what felt like lifetimes ago when it was only one - to bribe him with sweets so he’d ‘ _feel better_ ’.

Yes, maybe everything was just one big nightmare-

“Oh!”

Turning around, Evan came face-to-face with a familiar one. The makeshift blindfold was always an easy way to recognize Ohm, either by design or unintentionally.

“You must be that new guy!” Ohm exclaimed and just like that, Evan’s reality came bleeding back through his fantasy.

“Uh, yeah, that’s me. Vanoss,” Evan said, holding a hand out.

Ohm took his hand, a large grin on his face, “Ohmwrecker. It’s nice to meet you. I thought everyone was messing around when they said the captain accepted another member onto the _Delirious Army_ , but then Bry- uh, McQuaid said he met you, so I started biding my time. Aren’t you just a wonder; we never thought the captain would make an exception so soon.”

An exception?

“Well,” Evan said, taking his hand back, “It was difficult, but I’m here. De- um, your captain isn’t quite that friendly.”

“Well, he’s your captain now too,” Ohm grinned, “Don’t be afraid to say it.”

Evan paused, slightly taken aback, “I- ah, of course.”

“Good.”

“Ohm! There you are,” Bryce’s voice suddenly cut through the weird atmosphere filling between them. “Did you ever find Gorilla-?” Blue eyes locked with brown ones, “Oh, Vanoss!”

“Hey.”

“Not exactly the person I wanted you to find, Ohm, but it’s a good start, I guess,” Bryce laughed.

“Listen man, it’s crazy up there, okay? Couldn’t find anyone if you wanted to - apparently that delivery finally came in, but the captain is still not happy about it all,” Ohm shrugged, “Everyone’s rushing to take care of it all before he kills someone out of spite.”

Bryce sighed, “Of course.”

Evan blinked.

What?

He wasn’t even gone that long - when did that happen?

“I, uh,” two pairs of eyes turned back to him, one a transparent blue and the other hidden by a grey material. Evan paused, “What do you need?”

“Ohm here can’t do anything for the life of him-”

“Hey!” Ohm protested.

“And I can’t exactly pick anything up without the chance of mortally hurting myself, so we were going to bug Gorilla with some heavy lifting.”

Evan shrugged, “I could help you. I mean, CaRtOoNz sent me here because he said something along the same lines.”

“What?” Ohm cut in again, “No way, Toonzy wouldn’t say that.”

Bryce raised an eyebrow, “Oh? Why not?”

“Well, because he’s... sophisticated.”

“CaRtOoNz said that McQuaid’s galley aid wasn’t ‘ _cutting it_ ’,” Evan said, “So, I guess that meant you, Ohm - um, according to McQuaid, of course.”

Bryce laughed, “Sounds about right,” he said, smoothing over anymore of Ohm’s outbursts as his observant eyes ran down Evan’s body, “But are you sure you can handle any heavy lifting? You look a bit… tiny?”

Said the man about six feet and a few inches.

“I’ve done more than heavy lifting in my life, McQuaid,” Evan grumbled.

Bryce held his hands up in surrender, “Okay, okay, sorry,” he chuckled, “Come, I’ll show you.”

The storage hold was a bit more familiar to Evan as he was led there by Bryce and Ohm in chattering company. Having had spent so much time here as a means to hide away from the almost painful look of betrayal coating Delirious’ ocean blues in the short few days before he died - it was a rusty stab to the gut. The musty, dense air, the dark, shadowed angles, the rough, knobbly walls, and the suffocated white noise of muffled rushing waves and currents - all brought back the memories of a still sore and stark lifetime.

A few knots clotted up in Evan’s chest, making his breathing stutter and waver in earnest.

Ah, yes. Delirious had been so acutely _aware_ , but still resigned to Evan’s warring loyalties. He _knew_ \- Delirious had _known_ \- but he never did anything to jeopardize Evan’s conflicting allegiances nor his life.

Was that the best decision for a captain with so much responsibility for so many lives?

Evan wouldn’t know, but at the same time, no one would have questioned Delirious - no, they always trusted him.

Evan always trusted him.

Even though so many were lost - Evan knew everyone who survived would understand Delirious’ thoughts and priorities. Even if they _didn’t_ understand.

Evan certainly didn’t understand - but he couldn’t accept it either. He would never accept it - the way Delirious easily gave his own life for the life of some disgusting scumbag; and it wasn’t even a case of selflessness, or responsibility.

Delirious _knew_ from the beginning that his life mattered above all - and everyone agreed wholeheartedly - but he put _Evan’s_ first.

Why the fuck would-

“Vanoss?”

Evan snapped back into himself, dully noting his hitched breath and suddenly dry mouth. He sucked in a deep breath, trying to steadily even out his lungs intake while he swallowed down some savila to wet his cotton balled throat, “Uh, yeah?”

Brown eyes met worried cyan ones, “Are you alright?”

Evan gave a quick grin, “Yeah, sorry, just got a bit choked up.”

A crinkle of confusion pinched between Bryce’s eyebrows, but Ohm was the one who spoke up with an equally confused tilt of his head, “Choked up over what?”

“Just some memories about dark, dank places is all,” Evan replied offhandedly as he moved to change the subject, “So, where’s this heavy lifting?”

Bryce blinked, a little bit addled as he picked back up, “Uh, this way, come.”

Evan blurrily went through the motions, watching from the corner of his eyes with interest as the other members of the ship continued to move in and out of the storage hold as well - crates and all of shipments recently arrived.

A precarious box in the corner was Evan’s goal as Bryce gave the pointer and Ohm shot out a quick line of encouragement.

Evan raised an eyebrow, “This is it? You guys couldn’t do it on your own?”

Bryce gave a sheepish smile and Ohm gave a slightly shamefaced grin himself.

A mock long-suffering sigh escaped his lips as Evan moved to shovel the lone box into his arms. A bit heavy yes, but he’s had worse.

He’s had worse in many different ways.

A dull ache in his lower back made itself known under the slight strain - an old bruising of his spine from that scuffle about a week back. It hadn’t quite healed as fast as the others - though his spine had taken a rather thorough beating then most of his other limbs. Evan shrugged through it.  
  
Bryce and Ohm immediately started up another conversation in front of him - the two most chatty people he’s met besides Tyler and Craig, but at least Evan had a means of shutting them up. Bryce and Ohm were a whole ‘nother case.

He sighed, honey brown eyes trailing the swarm of nameless, almost faceless members of the _Delirious Army_ that they passed on their way back to where Evan could only assume was the galley again.

A whole new world, a different place; he reminded himself.

He knew nothing about no one - a broken record of messed up memories and useless information buried deep underneath trauma and pain. He wondered if he’ll ever really feel content again, or _safe_.

Happy…?

Evan blinked, a flash of blue in the corner of his eye and he turned his head to follow the movement passed his vaguely coherent self.

Delirious was a silent wave -  a wall of bruntal force and quiet strength. He walked and everyone obediently split apart for him without word or second thought. It was all some practiced ease in which everyone bowed, without actually doing the action, to his wants and needs - a knowing of the electrical current of demanded respect and authority flooding through those cold veins in the skin of someone Evan once knew to be so warm and inviting.

Delirious _was_ the figurehead for his own ship - an influence to be reckoned with.

No one dared a glance at the man, a fear to meet his frozen gaze perhaps, but Evan found himself _wanting_ something like that - a wish that he gained the same blank look as the rest of the crew received instead of blue fire burn of scolding, furious, ocean orbs.

It wasn’t the same soft, doe-eyed glimpse of clear ocean wonders - but it would be a step up from the dark mauling gaze of the pirate captain’s dislike for him, Evan was sure.

“Vanoss?” Bryce cut through again, and Evan instantly came to attention.

“Yes?”

Bryce’s muddled blues cut down the area Delirious had just passed down with a conflictive stance, but then met Evan’s with a spark of curiosity. “Are you feeling alright? You seem a bit distracted…”

Ohm was silent by Bryce’s side, lips curled in a loose expression.

Evan flashed another smile, “Just fine. I got caught up in a thought is all, promise.”

CaRtOoNz would give him lip if he found out Evan was ‘seemingly distracted’ - probably something like ‘ _I told you so_ ’.

Evan kept a laugh to himself so as to not make Bryce and Ohm worry over his sanity anymore than they did; or had too.

“How did you get the captain to take you in?” Ohm piped up with a coying smile, to break the sudden lull in talk and conversation.

Evan shrugged, “I bugged him until he agreed.”

There was a brief pause.

“You _bugged_ him?”

“Yup. He didn’t appreciate it much - I’m sure you could imagine.”

Ohm gave him a turn of the head, a sign he was taking another glance of Evan’s carefree body language and serious countenance. “You’d be dead.”

Technically he _was_ , Evan humored darkly to himself, but decided to keep that to himself too.

“Obviously not.”

“The captain doesn’t appreciate being ‘ _bugged_ ’,” Ohm frowned.

“Neither does he like backing out of challenges either,” Evan commented, because trying to keep him leashed and controlled for Delirious’ satisfaction was a challenge wasn’t it?

Bryce blinked, “Challenges?”

“You challenged the captain?”

“No, just told him I’d give him a scapegoat he could do with as he pleased for two years,” _and then keep or get rid of in whatever fashion he wanted_.

He’d probably be gutted faster than poor _Jared_ had been, but Evan kept that to himself too.

Evan really wasn’t any better with the secrets this time around. All these small little lies - omissions and all - were just as bad as holding that one secret that meant the sink or swim of the _Delirious Army_ before.

“Scapegoat?”

Evan raised a dubious eyebrow, “You know, the one to pin the blame on? The person to throw to the sharks when things go wrong? The person to send when you know things’ll turn up bad?”

Bryce’s forehead creased while Ohm’s mouth slipped open as if he lost control of it.

“You agreed to that?” Bryce asked.

“I offered it,” Evan corrected nonchalantly, almost relieved to see the galley nearing. His lower back ached and he was getting tired of the subtle grilling.

“What?” Ohm balked.

“Yup, it was all fun and games too - at least your, uh, _the_ captain has a thin sense of humor.”

Bryce’s eyes widened, “No way.”

“Well, only if it’s at the expense of another - you know, typical pirate captain fashion,” he drawled.

They both held a silence for a moment as Evan quickly entered the small, dank room to slide the box onto any empty surface area.

When he was done, he gave a implicative glance to Bryce, “So what to now?”

“Uh,” Bryce trailed, still caught off guard a bit from the sudden turn of the last subject, “Stuff?”

Evan sighed, but wasn’t too peeved by anything. Maybe just a bit restless.

A look to Ohm told Evan the man was also a bit lost in thought.

Maybe Evan teased a bit too much as well.

Evan glanced to the doorway, only slightly hoping that CaRtOoNz would pass, or even Delirious at this point.

Assisting the boys in their chat and drag wasn’t exactly Evan’s idea of helping out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :3 Sorry for the lateness, I should be dueling these out a bit more before I can't.
> 
> Thank you for reading and your patience,  
> ~Sakura


	15. "To Delirious."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _They wouldn’t know what it’s like to not be in total control of their own life._

“Are you always so… daring?”

Evan felt his lips tug down a bit, but forced himself to be as neutral as possible. It wasn’t as hard as he expected in the face of one of the most expressive people aboard this ship, “Daring?” He echoed.

“You-” Bryce sucked in a breath, “You _messed_ with our captain - are you always like that?”

“What? Looking for trouble? Never taking anything seriously?” Evan supplied easily.

“Well... yeah.”

“Look,” Evan sighed, “I only did what I had to to get him to listen to me. Your- the captain is much more stubborn than people give him credit for. He would never have looked my way unless I gave him something to look at.”

“You don’t… You weren’t- _aren’t_ scared of the consequences?”

Evan scoffed lightly, not out of anything negative, but out of amusement, “What? Him gutting me open with his sword? Him killing me?” Evan felt a bitter curl of his lips as he gave a shake of his head, “I’m not scared of death - there’s never anything to really to be afraid of,”  _except maybe myself_.

Bryce paused and Ohm shifted from his silent take on the conversation to speak up, “Why come here?”

“To the _Delirious Army_?” Evan gave a sparring glance to the surrounding area; the wooden walls and the almost claustrophobically small space. The sight gave him a hum of something to help sooth a compressed feeling of suffocation centered around his heart. Evan gave a small shrug, “I felt it would be better to belong to something than waste away. Plus, the captain seems to have a strong lid on everything, and I always respect that.”

It wasn’t a lie, but not quite the truth either.

Bryce and Ohm looked like they wanted to press more, but the answer seemed to have cowed them a bit. The sudden silence was quite blaring as they shifted their weight from foot to foot in the awkward atmosphere that quickly filled the room around them.

Evan blinked - were they really so unnerved by this?

Bryce opened his mouth, eyes a bit muddled and cloudy, but still terribly blue as he quietly tried to start a sentence.

Evan picked up the dull sound of light footsteps that echoed softly down the hall behind him and through the entrance, making his body tense. Bryce and Ohm seemed unaffected, either not as observant or just use to the noise while Bryce still continued to clumsily mouth around a few empty words that he never gave sound to.

The footsteps, although interestingly light, were steady and confident as they grew in volume to indicate the person’s nearing distance to the galley before they came to a complete stop at the door just behind Evan’s back. They weren’t familiar.

A hot feeling of eyes on the back of his neck made his skin heat, but he chose to ignore it.

“What’s with the silence? You guys are _never_ quiet.”

The voice was not Bryce’s and having not made a noise yet, he snapped his mouth shut to glance at the new addition to their awkward gathering. Blue eyes sparked up a bit brighter in contrast - recognition, Evan supposed.

Evan turned around to see who this new person was - the tone and voice not something he could recognize as anyone he knew, from the last timeline or the ones he met in this one again.

Brown eyes met unfamiliar mahogany ones - unbearably cold, airing on the side of a blistering red as they stared him down. They held no bite, nothing on par with Delirious anyway, but were certainly still uncomfortable.

This person was definitely not someone Evan’s ever met, a lifetime ago, nor in this one. With their long, straight blond hair looped back into a low pony, their dark eyes, and their tiny stature. Not to mention that their clothing was perfectly neat with a decent posture and a sharp face that seemed to ooze a calm masculine confidence underneath an almost feminine appearance.

It was a confusing but effortless combination.

“Ny!” Bryce chirped.

Suddenly, a blink and any hints of the cold depth hidden in _Ny_ ’s dark eyes disappeared and Evan was left wondering if maybe he imagined it.

Mahogany eyes turned away from him to meet Bryce’s, “Hey, there. Who’s this?” A thumb was jabbed in Evan’s direction.

Bryce pulled another smile out of nowhere, genuine and bright like usual, “That’s Vanoss - the rumored new member of our ship,” Bryce turned to Evan, “And Vanoss; this is Ny. He’s the secondary galley help around here.”

Ny stepped closer, holding a hand out with a cloying smile almost as similar as Ohm’s, “Nice to meet you. Welcome aboard.”

Evan pulled out a smile himself that was nothing like Bryce’s, while he moved to receive Ny’s offered hand, “Thanks, nice to meet you too.”

The blonde pulled away neither too quickly nor too slowly with an accompanying nod of respect. It was all very practiced, calculated, perfect. Evan than noted how Ny’s hair wasn’t really blond, so much as it was an almost colorless yellow - a very light shade that seemed more white than not at some glances.

It was definitely different from Felix's dirty blond head of hair that Evan was so use to.

“So,” Ny started, looking back to Bryce, “Why’s he _here_?”

“Toonzy said that McQuaid asked for _better_ help,” Ohm said, a pout centered on his mouth.

Ny was amused, a small smile tugging his lips up, “Is that so?”

Bryce rolled his eyes, “Oh please, don’t act like you guys ever do anything besides sitting around.”

“ _I help_ ,” Ohm griped with a frown, “Now Toonzy’s gonna think I’m a slacker. What if he tells the captain?”

Blue eyes sparked some ausement as well. Bryce shrugged nonchalantly, “Hopefully, he’ll kick some sense into your ass.”

Ohm huffed, “Oh, shut up.”

Evan raised an eyebrow and Bryce instantly locked everything down, “Alright, let’s get to planning what everyone will be eating for dinner tonight!”

“No breakfast?” Ny teased.

“Not for you,” Bryce replied easily, “Remember what Toonz told us,” he said, moving to the box Evan had to procured for them, “We need to keep things on a strict rein; we’ll be running tight on food for a bit.”

Evan blinked, suddenly quite confused.

Tight on food? What for?

What was the consignment for then?

Frowning, Evan took into Bryce’s lead without question, letting the boy bounce ideas off of him while sneaking a quick look to Ny who seemed to be giving Ohm a casual shrug in the background.

There was something off about this new addition, but Evan couldn’t figure it out yet. The coldness he saw moments before was not traceable anywhere in the boy’s body language, in his voice, nor in his large smile.

His eyes were now a clear dark reddish brown after Evan risked another glance.

At this point, he had to wonder if he was just tired or reading more out of the situation than it warranted. Yes, Evan had to remind himself that _he_ was the stranger here - of course the members of the _Delirious Army_ would be a little unnerved around him.

A final glimpse of Ny and Ohm gleefully sitting around and making jokes at Bryce’s expense made Evan have to put off any and all thoughts about the boy being anything remotely other than a rightfully daunted member of this ship.

The hours passed fairly easy to the background that was Ohm and Ny’s constant chattering laziness and Bryce, who was surprisingly capable and responsible. He took everything in full stride and made quick work of things without much complaint - though he did have his moments where he’d stop and give Ohm a piece of his mind about his and Ny’s omission of work.

Evan shouldn’t have expect anything much different considering what he experienced of Bryce from the Old Timeline, but it was still nice to know not much has changed.

CaRtOoNz showed up around lunch time, face weary and eyes hard. Ohm and Ny had scuttled off a while ago after receiving another irritated lecture and Evan stayed back with Bryce - the source of the irritated lecture - who worked to prepare a little something for lunch as well.

“I see I made the right decision,” the Right Hand commented.

Bryce snapped around so fast Evan was a little worried about any possible damage that may have been done.

“Oh my gosh, CaRtOoNz, you scared me half to death,” the boy laughed after placing a hand over his heart.

The man raised an eyebrow, brown eyes landing on Evan who stood a ways away, “Even with him here?”

Bryce gave him a glance too and Evan frowned, “He’s not much of a talker…”

CaRtOoNz’s lips twitched up and Evan rolled his eyes, “I had a taste of what he and Ohm are like,” he huffed, “Anything not _Ohm_ would seem different.”

“You sure you aren’t tired?”

Evan sighed, “I’m fine.”

The ‘ _I told you so_ ,’ Evan imagined CaRtOoNz telling him resounded loudly in his brain when the man suddenly had a smug glimmer in his eyes. Evan held back the urge to sigh a second time.

“I found Ohm in the hall,” the Right Hand moved the conversation on, turning to Bryce, “Rather, he found _me_ in the hall. He had to make me ‘understand that he was a fine worker and aid’... want to tell me what that was about?”

Bryce laughed, “He’s worried he’ll get an ass kicking from the captain.”

“Think he needs it,” CaRtOoNz sighed.

“Agreed,” Bryce said, turning to the pitiful mess that was lunch, “Is there any news on the food situation?”

CaRtOoNz suddenly looked exhausted as Bryce shoved some edibles into his hands, “Yeah, we just got to get to Eiren and Del said everything’ll be sorted out.”

“So, just a few weeks?”

“Yeah, Sakura’ll be around to run down the inventory stuff with you - just let her know everything and she’ll get back to either me or Delirious.”

“Alright,” Bryce gave a large grin, “Will do. Just let anyone you cross know that if they’re _really_ hungry to come around for something to snack on. Until Sakura and I go over things, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Anyone who forgets lunch, oh well.”

CaRtOoNz nodded.

Evan blinked.

What the hell?

“So,” brown and blue eyes alike turned to him and Evan tilted his head in confusion, “What was the new stuff that came in for?”

CaRtOoNz shrugged, “Just to help out some people, nothing much really.”

“Unless you want to eat some blankets and fabrics,” Bryce threw out offhandedly, chewing a small thing of salted meat.

What?

“Oh…”

“Yeah,” CaRtOoNz sighed and tried for a smile. It wasn’t much, but better than nothing, Evan supposed. “There’s going to be a few things you’ll learn about us soon that are a whole lot different then the way we’re portrayed.”

Evan didn’t know what to say, so he stayed silent - he was fairly sure he already knew they were portrayed a bit wrong, but he ponders what he’ll be ‘ _learning_ ’ to support this. CaRtOoNz awkwardly roamed the room with his eyes in the sudden lull before going back to Evan with another subject of conversation.

“So, I never got to ask you what Delirious actually talked to you about,” the man said after a dry swallow of equally dry food, “I was thinking about it after you left, so I never got to bring it up, but I realized that you were with him for a long time. A longer time than Delirious usually takes to run down the conditions of the _Delirious Army_.”

Evan shrugged, waving away Bryce’s silent offer of snacks with the flash of a small grateful smile, “He didn’t finish the contract when he let me in. I had to wait around a bit.”

The atmosphere of the galley instantly turned a bit uncomfortable as CaRtOoNz froze in an intense, unwavering stare on him and Bryce gave him a few confused blank blinks of his own.

“Contract?” The boy asked.

“Yeah, you know, the paper I had to sign to be here,” Evan said.

CaRtOoNz frowned, “You don’t have to sign a paper to be part of the _Delirious Army_ ,” he supplied bluntly.

There’s a frozen silence.

And then Evan smiled, an unexpected laugh bubbling out of his throat, “Oh, that’s good. I assumed it was part of your guys ‘conditions’ or other, but it looks like it was just me.” Evan shrugged, “Makes sense - I proposed a deal, of course he’d be all over it.”

Did Delirious win at this point? The challenge to control Evan was upping in the pirate captain’s favor; though... in the end, Evan was still himself as of yet, yeah?

CaRtOoNz’s eyes flashed, a dark emotion similar to a mix of anger and disgust, but Evan didn’t think it was towards him, “Why the _fuck_ would you sign anything he gave you?” Or, well, not _most_ of it anyway.

“I just said I thought it was part of your ‘condition’ stuff for the ship. But I did offer him a deal - a bargain. It would made sense he’d want to make it ‘official’, you know?” Evan licked his dry lips. Technically, Evan was the one who said Delirious could make it ‘official’ if the man wanted, but he decided against telling the Right Hand that, “It’s not that bad, reall-”

“Not that bad?” CaRtOoNz echoed calmly, a tone of practiced notes and steady pitch. A false calm, a tightly controlled calm. One that stretched with a practiced ease over his face, but couldn’t reach the anger and concern pooled deep in the middle of his brown eyes, “Not that bad - you just signed yourself to a fucking _pirate captain_. To _Delirious_. When you said you messed up his ink work, I thought you meant you made a mess of his desk like a clumsy idiot, not that you _dribbled your fucking name across a prison statement_.”

Bryce frowned, fingers tightly laced in front of himself as he stood to the side - his mouth was firmly shut.

Evan was lost on words for a moment, “I,” he paused, thoughts on standby, a broken noise of confusion and alarm.

What to say without giving everything away?

His back straightened, posture neatening, and shoulders squared, Evan opened his mouth, ready to pull something out of nowhere - but CaRtOoNz shook his head, seemingly making everything that Evan had ready to spew out evaporate back into the empty recess of his mind.

“I don’t understand you - do you really have a death wish? Are you seeking some kind of thrill? Testing your luck?” CaRtOoNz was disappointed, voice dropping low, “Because, boy, you’ve got no luck here when it comes to Delirious. He’ll take you apart faster than you can say you’re trying to play him.”

Evan blinked.

He had to remember that everyone here wasn’t like him. Yes, they all came from different backgrounds, different situations, and yes, maybe they were as dark as his, maybe darker, maybe not dark at all, but in the end - they weren’t like _his_. They didn’t know him, his past actions, his mindset, his alternate timeline, his decisions, nor his way of thinking. They didn’t know his childhood, his way of life, his way of coping, nor his way of surviving.

They wouldn’t know what it’s like to not be in total control of their own life.

From the moment Mark took him in, Evan was a tool, a pawn, a convenient machine for the sole purpose to be _used_.

They wouldn’t understand how passive all this was to the way of life he use to live before _his_ Delirious came into the picture.

Evan took in a deep breath, “What should I have done?” He asked.

Byce and CaRtOoNz both blinked, but had nothing to say.

“I… I know you don’t understand the whole of it,” he said, “And that’s okay - but I do want you to understand that I am _genuinely sincere_ about being a part of the _Delirious Army_ , of being here with all of you. I don’t have anywhere else to go - this is the only thing important to me. I signed my name away - okay, maybe it was a bit too much - but I haven’t anything to lose. I _wanted_ to,” Evan said honestly, “I was the one who offered, and I got what I wanted. Del- the captain's only got a leash.”

Bryce looked unnerved by this whole conversation, but CaRtOoNz was still intently staring him down and Evan wondered if this messed up the man’s opinion of him. Both of their opinions of him.

“Why?”

Evan was a bit caught off guard by that, “What?”

“Why?” The man repeated, eyes searching everywhere Evan’s body language and form was on display for open interpretation, “Why such lengths?”

“I’m use to them.”

Maybe CaRtOoNz was too kind, too forgiving, or maybe he remembered that time Evan talked about the ‘strict’ place he used to live and could understand if only a little bit where he was coming from, or maybe CaRtOoNz just wasn’t interested in the conversation anymore - Evan didn’t know - but the man easily accepted Evan’s half-assed reply and stood to his feet after he finished his drink in one swallow.

He gave a smile to Bryce, who still awkwardly stood to the side with tightly sealed lips and concern swimming in his blue orbs, and then turned to Evan with the same smile and a glimmer of _something_ Evan couldn’t decode in his brown eyes.

“You live on the _Delirious Army_ now. We take risks to survive - we make decisions that we sometimes don’t want to make in order to live. You made a decision to be Delirious’ well oiled machine. I find no fault, rather, I respect the balls you had to have to make it.” CaRtOoNz shrugged, “Maybe I’m going soft, don’t know, but I do know that you have guts and I like it. I won’t be able to stop everything Delirious does, but I’ll try to make things a bit less bumpy between the both of ya, though no promises.”

Evan was again lost on words.

CaRtOoNz turned to leave before he could muster up anything to say, “Now, I have to go have a _talk_ with Delirious, I’ll see ya’ll later.”

“Thank you,” Evan blurted out, watching the man pause in his gait for just a second. However, the Right Hand didn’t turn to acknowledge him, and he didn’t stop as he walked to the entrance, just waved a nonchalant hand through the air.

“Yeah, yeah,” CaRtOoNz muttered, before disappearing down the hall.

Evan wondered if CaRtOoNz understood what he was thanking him for, or if the man just took it with a grain of salt. Because even he didn’t understand what he thanked the man for.

He didn’t know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am ashamed by how late this chapter is.
> 
> Like, _so ashamed_.
> 
> This should have been last week's update, but now it's this weeks update, and I don't have anything for this week either. And it's turned into a 4:30a.m update, geez.
> 
> I've been a bit lazy to replying to comments, as well - I'm so sorry, I'll get to them soon.
> 
> I'll be on a vacation of sorts with the family next week. I'm leaving tomorrow to go down to Virgina, won't be back until Thursday. I'll try to have something for next week done.
> 
> My internet connection is so terrible, and I've been caught up in other things when I do finally have a decent connection - it just hasn't been my week, I suppose. Hopefully the chapter isn't too choppy, or terrible. We're finally getting a slice of the _Delirious Army_ 's pirate life on ship.
> 
> Thank you for being so patient with me. :)
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	16. "Why would you be worried?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Then what's the second reason, CaRtOoNz, if not for the sole purpose to avoid me?”_

Two weeks passed in a short, but almost roundabout way. Bryce and the galley was the easiest part of his days, even with the dash of laziness that was Ohm and Ny to mix in. Though, even the ‘hardest’ parts of his days were just Evan trying to fit himself into the everyday life of the _Delirious Army_ \- and even that was pretty mellow, if he could say so himself.

His socializing skills were not exactly the best, however, Evan couldn’t deny the fact that he was pretty decent. At least, none of his interactions have ended in an overabundance of emotional outbursts. Yet.

There was Sakura - stiff, coldy balanced Sakura - the laidback, free spoken Joker, and, of course, the emotionally blank Arawn. So many different faces, so many different names from the original timeline Evan was use too.

It excited him almost as much as it unnerved him.

Ny was Evan’s immediate choice of scrutiny the first few days, but not once has the boy shown a glimpse of anything other than his usual energetic, wisecrack self. Then, after hanging around Sakura for a few days he grew bored of her constant unwavering, unchanging schedule - not to mention her very similar personality. Joker… Joker was just not someone Evan could handle for long amounts of time. The man was crazy and utterly unpredictable, poorly paired with a knack for forgetting personal space boundaries and somehow getting into your head with seemingly unparalleled ease.

Lets not forget the man’s obsession with card playing.

It was quite nerve wracking, and tiring all the same. Though, none showed dangerous tendencies or negativity towards Delirious which was a relief.

Well, Joker couldn’t exactly be ruled out as dangerous - the man was a ‘dangerous tendency’ just as himself, he had it written on his forehead with his unpredictability and no sense of self-preservation. At least he didn't have anything against the captain from what Evan could make out.

CaRtOoNz started to come around to the galley more often than not, spending miraculous amounts of time with Evan and Bryce to chat the time away and keep their minds off how increasingly poor their meals became as the days passed.

Evan could almost convince himself it was like old times.

And with CaRtOoNz appearing more and more often, Ohm and Ny have even started picking up their slack. It was an easy slide from two pairs of hands to four, though maybe that was because there wasn’t much to handle when it came to food anymore. Either way, it was nice to finally see them doing their parts in helping Bryce out.

It didn't mean that the galley got any quieter, however, to Evan's misfortune.

Rather, CaRtOoNz’s presence seemed to make the room more lively, more animated, and certainly more loud. Between Ohm and the Right Hand, Evan could no longer say who was the more collected one. He couldn't say he was surprised, either, by the man’s laidback and loose personality - CaRtOoNz of his old timeline was just the same way - instead, it was another thing Evan was happy to see unchanged.

“Um,” a deep voice cut in from the galley entrance, pulling the attention of the mismatched group of people that resided within it, “Should I be worried that CaRtOoNz is here?”

Bryce pulled one of his brilliant smiles out of nowhere again, “Not at all. Come on in, Gorilla, we're all just fooling around here!”

Ah yes, Evan couldn’t forget Gorilla - one of the many reintroduced faces he's also got to meet these passed couple weeks. He had to admit, even though he knew the man's face and name, Evan didn't actually know that much _about_ the guy. It still gave Evan a wave of relief to see another familiar person among the unknown crew he was suppose to blend into.

“Why would you be worried?” CaRtOoNz raised an eyebrow from his lack position in one of the few chairs in the galley.

Gorilla shrugged, “Well, I just saw the captain combing through the halls with a very… um, _disgruntled_ air about him. I could only assume he was looking for you.”

A sudden pinch of dismay instantly appeared between the Right Hand’s furrowed eyebrows, “Shit.” He sat up into his usual straight backed posture, but then seemed to think better of it and stood up altogether with a tired sigh on his lips.

“Is something wrong?” Bryce immediately asked and CaRtOoNz sent the boy an almost bewildered expression.

“I tried confronting Delirious about the whole-" he waved his hand vaguely in Evan’s direction, with an apparent lack of words to describe Evan’s predicament, “But Del wasn't having any of it.”

“...And?” Bryce prompted hesitantly when CaRtOoNz trailed off.

The man huffed out an angry huff, “I got pissed and told him to not even bother talking to me for a while.”

A hush of silence fell before Evan sighed, “So you're saying you've been hiding from the captain this whole time?”

“Maybe,” he allowed.

Bryce pouted, “And this whole time I thought you liked spending time with us.”

The Right Hand rolled his eyes, “Of course I like spending-"

Cutting the man off, Evan crossed his arms over his chest while leaning back against one of the galley’s work surfaces, “Now that I think about, I've never once seen the captain wander down this hall. It's no wonder you're here all the time,” he teased.

Brown eyes glared at him, “That's not the only reason I'm here-”

“Then what's the second reason, CaRtOoNz, if not for the sole purpose to avoid me?”

Everyone in the room froze, and snapped to the second person to join the sad bunch of people crowding the galley that day, and even Evan tensed in his place with the furthest distance between the pirate captain and himself. And the knowledge of hearing the man's familiar gait echoing faintly from the hall beforehand.

Something in Evan's chest clenched painful in response to the prospect of the captains mere presence able to now bring an involuntary weariness to his consciousness that never happened before.

However, something else stung worst at the sight of the man taking in all the people of the room, but very obviously ignoring Evan's silent persona in the background, like he knew Evan was there, but wouldn't dare confirm it, wouldn't dare bother to give him the time of day.

CaRtOoNz gave another huff that broke the tense quiet in the galley, “I get first dibs on the food, of course.”

Blue eyes glinted something along the lines of amused, “Really?”

Bryce laughed, and immediately the room turned a few degrees warmer and gosh, Evan swore that boy was a piece of the sun itself with how easily he could flip the mood around anywhere he went.

Gorilla stole CaRtOoNz’s abandoned chair, and Ohm and Ny - who have been uncharacteristically quiet until now - instantly started up an amused whisper chat between themselves while sending small glances to the captain and the Right Hand, giving away their subject of talk.

“Well,” blue eyes lingered on Bryce’s lighthearted form with a softness present that disappeared as fast as it showed, leaving Evan a bit dumbfounded, “If you're quite done, CaRtOoNz; Eiren is nearing and we have somethings to discuss in advance.”

Evan watched a silent conversation between Captain and Right Hand for the first time in a _long_ while, something fluttering and squirming in his insides all the while as he took in the familiar scene. Blue eyes were a lot more cold, and brown ones were contrastingly warmer, but it was still something Evan didn't think he would get to see for a long time yet, or so up close.

CaRtOoNz gave a long-suffering sigh as he gave in, “Fine, let's get this over with,” he muttered while walking past Delirious to get a head start to the captain's cabin.

Evan’s gaze moved to Delirious, expecting to follow the man's blue clad back out into the hallway - however, his brain and heart stuttered haphazardly when he met two cool blue _eyes_.

A dazed second passed, and Evan noted Delirious was already gone, though his heart insisted to beat a hole through his rib cage. Evan slumped a little more against Bryce’s working area, feeling a little worse for wear as he took in a few steadying breaths.

Was it progress or was it an accident on Delirious’ part?

He didn't know.

“Well, I'm gonna go find Sakura, make sure everything's good,” Evan vaguely heard Bryce announce, “I’d rather be safe than sorry,” he said.

Gorilla stood up, “Got nothing better to do, I'll go with you.”

Bryce smiled and they left without preamble.

Ohm instantly snapped out of his conversation with Ny when he noticed an absence of Bryce’s form. He stood up, quickly said a farewell to Ny only to jog from the room without hearing his companions response. “Wait, Bry- McQuaid, I need to talk to you about something!” Was heard shouted down the hallway soon after.

Ny sighed.

And Evan realized he was alone with Ny, who he hasn't really had a decent conversation with as of yet. An awkward silence quickly made itself known.

“Um,” Ny spoke up, making Evan blink in surprise, “Are you alright?”

Evan was stunned for a moment, “What?”

Ny gave a gentle smile, and those mahogany eyes showed nothing but a soft sympathy that he couldn't understand, “You kind of got the cold shoulder there,” he supplied.

Evan paused. Had it been so noticeable?

“What do you mean?”

Ny rolled his eyes, “The captain obviously has something against your presence being in the same room as him. And from the way you got all panicky there when he finally acknowledged you, I'd assume he gave you some sort of evil eye, yeah?”

Evan sucked in a breath, but was lost on words.

Ny was continuing anyway to Evan's luck, with those same soft facial features, “So, I ask: are you alright?”

“I,” Evan started, “Why wouldn't I be?”

Ny sighed with a tone not unlike that of an indulgent adult talking to an insolent child, “It's not a trick question, though I can see why you'd be defensive,” the boy said, dark rust colored eyes taking in Evan's stiff figure across the room. “Only a fool would fall for the captain,” Ny supplied, voice low for only Evan to hear.

Evan blinked wide eyes, “Wait, what?”

He watched Ny stand from his seat next to the one vacated only minutes before by Ohm, and then take small even steps towards him. Evan felt his body instantly wind up into a tight mess of tense muscles and locked bone joints the closer Ny closed the distance between them. Alarms rang loudly in his head, even though Ny’s eyes remained a blank mess of sympathy and sincerity - Evan never responded well to being alone and cornered, even in an ebullient way.

There was a pause, and then Ny finally stopped a few inches away from him, allowing Evan’s body to quiet down its anxiety a small amount.

“But you're not the only one who's turned to a fool on this ship.”

Evan let out the breath he didn't even know he was holding, brown eyes taking in unwavering mahogany ones, before suddenly, Ny turned away and made a skittish exit - Evan watching a low, white blond ponytail follow in retreat.

What the hell?

Was Ny talking about himself? Did that mean Ny was… _in love_ with Delirious?

Was that sympathetic gaze of Ny’s not really sympathetic then - but instead, empathetic? If Ny really is in love with Delirious then was he placing himself in Evan's shoes, who he assumed to also be romantically invested in the pirate captain?

Just two pitiful fools in love with a man who wouldn't ever look anyone's way past his beloved ship.

...But Evan hasn't seen anything to support that - even now he saw nothing to support Ny liking the captain romantically.

Though, honestly, Evan hadn't been paying much attention to Ny, rather, Evan hadn't been paying much attention to anyone as he was so _focused_ on Delirious. And Evan doesn't ever really catch glimpses of Delirious in passing anymore, much less catch Ny and Delirious interacting.

Did this mean Ny saw Evan as a rival now? Or just a poor fellow in arms?

And Evan's stupid ass didn't even deny anything so, either way, Ny believes he's a ‘fool’ too.

Which he wasn't…. right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I know it's like, 1a.m. and technically Sunday, but hopefully this chapter doesn’t seem too overdue.
> 
> But I'm back, and we're sliding right back into weekly updates everyone, hope you all weren't waiting too long! :)
> 
> That being said, sorry if this chapter seems jumpy, or weird - this one was written on my tablet which isn't ideal, but its all I got for now. Please let me know if you notice any mistakes :3 I'll fix them as soon as possible.
> 
> Also, I apologize if these few chapters seem a bit boring, but I imagine this story in 'arch''s - so, right now we're slowly slipping into Arch 2. It's like the prologue all over again, haha
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoy :3 Oh, and if its easier for you to talk with me about _Chance_ or such, you can look me up on Tumblr as well, if y'all want: **sakura-lawliet**
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	17. "You left me."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It wasn’t real, none of this was real - he reminded himself._

Evan blinked out at the endless night sky before him.

His lungs forced themselves into taking even, steady breaths as he took in the familiar scene stretched out in front of him. The air is warm, but not too warm as it softly caressed his longer-than-prefered hair while the stars gently blink at him in the distance.

The ocean is tender with it’s light waves lapping against the bottom of the _Delirious Army_ ’s hull, the sound soothing in it’s own unique way - a constant rhythm of noise to lull ones heart into the same unfaltering strong beat.

Evan is sad to admit that it doesn’t affect him the same way it use to, the way it _should_. No, instead, his heart is pounding rather unnaturally in his chest, his lungs stuttering and hiccuping in the sudden _panic_ that scorches it’s way through his veins.

He remembers, he remembers how everything in this scenario use to make him feel, use to make him want, and need, and so dearly _miss it_.

Now…

Now he feels the wind shift direction again, whispers of his hair brushing against his forehead in the distant, mocking, way faded memories of past love and acceptance do.

He forced his body not to move, to not make the necessary actions to forward this past recollection onwards. His lungs stop, his throat burning, his chest tightening, tightening, tightening - threatening to snap, to break him, to make his world, _his everything_ , fade away once more.

Evan can feel _him_.

 _He_ ’s right there.

Evan knows, Evan _wants_. Gosh, he wanted so badly, but the blinking stars and lapping waves below him remind him again on why he was here.

His hands are gripping the railing so firmly that his knuckles turn pale in the shadow of Evan’s looming figure and his fingers tremble under the force. He vaguely feels the pain that the pressure prompts, but it’s lost underneath the suffocating presence of the one person who ever meant anything to him.

 _He_ ’s so close.

Evan could turn around and _touch_ him, but he also knew that he couldn’t.

No.

It wasn’t real, none of this was real - he reminded himself.

The fraudulent sense of comfort in the empty night air finally faded, the stars and moon blurring with sudden surrealism, the soothing noise of the ocean waves turned stale; dead.

Evan still felt his heart long for the man just behind him, just out of sight - his blood and bones burned with the ache - even though he knew it was all false pretense.

His lips parted without his permission, his almost non-existent breath leaving his mouth with clouds of condensation that weren’t there before. His skin seared with the frozen dead night air surrounding them, his eyes searching, searching, and searching - but for what, he couldn’t understand.

 _A dream_ , his brain screeched, _there was never anything to find_.

“You left me,” Evan said to the silence, though the words never reached his ears and he wondered it he even said them at all.

“You left me,” he tried again, “You left me,” again, again, again, and again.

The blaringly vapid sounds of the ocean waves were so unbearably loud - he could feel himself drowning in it. He didn’t understand any of it, everything was so wrong, so warped, so out of place and his skin crawled with the vehement amount of instant revulsion swallowing him from the inside out.

What changed? What could he do? What did he _want from all this_?

The warmth of the presence behind him made him want to turn around, to face the source of his nightmares, to once more come face to face with the unfailing gravitational pull that grounded his very soul.

His hands were numb, his arms were numb, his legs, his lips, throat, and heart - everything was so blindly numb.

Why was he fighting this so hard?

His eyes rested on the night sky, watching hazily as a dark burgundy started to bleed through, and the ocean went very silent with the start of a rust colored rain that pitter pattered to its non-reflective black surface.

His lips were still parted, and Evan wondered if he’d started screaming yet.

Because he wasn’t truly fighting anything.

A familiar body pressed up against Evan’s back, familiar hands closed over his, and familiar, soft lips hovered near his ear.

He was waiting.

Evan trembled with the cold touch of blue tinted flesh covering his own as they pried his numb fingers from the railing, and the cool touch of lips that traced the delicate line of his ear with false gentleness and lack of breath.

Evan’s hands dropped to his side, cold fingers tangling with his as they followed. Blunt fingernails scrapped against his skin as fingers stroked and pet, seemingly trying to coax a response out of him.

He couldn’t move, however, with his limbs feeling like heavy stones and his brain fuzzing around the edges as he duly noted that the crimson rain dared not to touch them.

Not yet.

Hands settled on his waist, and after clenching his own into fists to confirm they were indeed empty, Evan felt them pushing, pulling - urging him to turn around with cajoling lips persistently trailing the rounded cartilage of his ear.

His heart began to pound again with a mind muddled with voided thoughts and feelings - he didn’t want to turn around, he didn’t want to see what was behind him.

Evan already knew, and _he didn’t want_.

Brown eyes met blue ones.

Blank blue eyes, blue stained lips, pale white skin.

Evan trembled, watching those dead cold eyes stare at him with such unbridled _emptiness_. Cool wet hands reached for his face, cupping his cheeks with an icey sting while unblinking eyes never left his.

Red plastered Delirious’ hair to his face, and red washed his figure in unnatural tones.

They were both drenched now, Evan’s clothes sticking to his skin with claustrophobic clinginess.

Evan watched with numb eyes as his own hands reached up, and up, and up. Dead frozen skin met his fingertips as his hands slipped around Delirious’ throat with ease.

This was wrong. Something was wrong.

His heart was roaring in his ears now, a dull ringing in his head as he found himself pressing Delirious into the floorboards of the quarterdeck, his thighs straddling around the thin waist of his victim.

This wasn’t right - but his body had stopped listening to him a long time ago.

Brown eyes never left blue as his hands squeezed.

His vision blurred, red dripping down to dot and streak the serene face of his lost lover.

What the fuck was wrong with him?

His hands locked around the fragile neck of his captain.

This wasn’t what was suppose to happen.

Everything was wrong.

He heard his name echoing distantly in his ears, but his unbroken gaze upon Delirious’ lifeless countenance told him the man wasn’t saying a word.

Why couldn’t he stop?

Those vacuous ocean blues never looked away and Evan was transfixed.

He was _made_ for this.

He _wanted_ this.

Didn’t he?

And then, Evan blinked and instead of blue eyes, he found himself staring into green ones.

Severely worried green eyes.

Bile rose into his throat and Evan turned away, spilling his pitiful stomach contents onto Daithi’s infirmary floor.

His hands shook, trying desperately to grasp at his shirt, tearing and ripping at the offending article. Evan’s skin felt tacky, sticky, restricted, like he was still drenched from head to toe and he wanted the fucking thing _off_.

“Woah t’ere,” Daithi exclaimed, voice a bit strained as he reached out for Evan.

Evan couldn’t breath, his lungs inhaling and exhaling air too fast for him to obtain any lasting oxygen. His fingers found Daithi’s arm, and he latched on - fingers digging into flesh.

“Hey, ye’re fine,” the man soothed, a hesitant hand petting at Evan’s hair, “Just breathe for me, eh? In and t’en out,” Evan focused on the steady breathing Daithi mimicked for him, trying to calm his down to match, vaguely knowing he was overreacting. He was _better_ than this, he told himself as Daithi smoothed a warm hand down his back. Evan shivered while Daithi continued, “T’ere ye go, t’at’s it. Aren’t I lucky te ‘ave ‘ad ye ‘ere with me in t’e first place, yeah?”

Evan croaked, words failing him as he stuttered his breathing to something somewhat normal. He mindfully unlatched his fingers from Daithi’s arm, wincing at the crescent shaped breaks in the man’s skin that instantly started to prickle with red and the inflamed impression of his lasting handprint.

“Don’t ye mind t’at, just focus on yer breathin’,” Daithi ordered, green eyes firmly taking in Evan’s shaking figure. “W’en ye said ye ‘ad nightmares, ye conveniently left out t’e panic attacks, huh?”

“Not… usually,” Evan huffed, swallowing down the sour saliva building up in his mouth, “This bad.”

Daithi frowned, getting up from the chair next to his and moved away.

Evan took a moment to himself, breathing only slightly labored now as he closed his eyes and focused on erasing all and any thoughts threatening to cloud his mind at the moment.

“‘Ere,” Daithi said, voice right in front of him, and Evan cracked his eyes open to spy the offered cup of water in the medic’s hand.

Evan grateful took the cup into his still trembling hands, bringing it haphazardly to his mouth. The water wasn’t cold, but it was still soothing to his scratchy throat as he gulped the beverage down. He sighed when it was gone, handing the cup back to Daithi who set it on his desk next to them.

“Better?”

Evan nodded.

“Good,” Daithi said, though his eyes still glimmered concern.

“I - I heard my name?” Daithi nodded, making Evan bite his bottom lip, “Did I say something, or...?”

“Ye mumbled,” Daithi said, shaking his head, “But ye started cryin’.”

Evan blinked, fingers instantly to his face to confirm Daithi’s statement. Sure enough, the skin was tacky and cool, slick with tears he didn’t even knew he had shed. “Well, fuck,” he muttered to himself.

Daithi wasn’t amused, though his eyes seemed to give up the worry that pooled in them as they softened slightly.

“Ye alrig’t?”

Evan nodded, body slumping into the hard wooden chair he hadn’t moved from once in the whole situation that came and passed. “Why’d you let me sleep? I told you to keep me awake.”

“Ye _asked_ me, and I never said I would,” Daithi grumbled, “And ye needed t’e sleep - no matter how terrifyin’.”

“I-”

“Ye ‘aven’t been sleepin’ well for t’e past two weeks, and t’e who-know-how-long before you came te t’e _Delirious Army_ ,” Daithi pushed, arms crossing over his chest, “I coulda been more prepared for yer little episode t’ere if ye ‘ad told me, but ye _needed t’e rest_.”

Evan frowned, but said nothing.

He couldn’t help but think that he should have just stayed in his room after his first nightmare, but Daithi was right, even if he didn’t like it. Maybe - hopefully - sooner or later the same recurring nightmare would stop becoming so emotionally impactful after experiencing it so many times.

He huffed, “I should have just went and woke Ohm up - at least he would have chatted my ears off,” he tried to joke.

Daithi rolled his eyes, “He woulda put ye te sleep faster.”

Evan quirked a smile, “Don’t tell CaRtOoNz, please?”

The man paused, curious green eyes blinking in confusion, “Why?”

“He’d be too worried for his own good.”

Daithi shook his head, and turned away to go back to his original seat before Evan’s ‘little episode’, his desk now separating them. “Damn it, would ye stop worryin’ about others for once? Take care of yerself first, would ye?” He grouched.

Evan smiled, before he took in the foul mess at his side. Face pinched in disgust he turned back to Daithi, “I assume you aren’t gonna clean that?” He asked.

Daithi raised an eyebrow at him, “Hell no.”

Evan sighed, but got up on shaky legs to go find the mop bucket and a rag.

Daithi wasn’t unnecessarily cruel even though Evan would like to think so - and he felt the fretting emerald gaze of the man watching him go about his task. It was his own way of making sure Evan was alright, though, Evan could think of a million different ways Daithi could do so, but at the same time - it gave him something to focus on. Something to keep his mind from wandering.

He was silently thankful for the distraction, but he was sure Daithi already knew.

It was hours later with the sun up, and the skies just clear of cloudy that Evan found himself staring out at the blue ocean from the _Delirious Army_ ’s starboard side. It was a speck in the distance, but they were nearing land.

Bryce had gushed about how beautiful Eiren had been before it started to fall apart and though Evan couldn’t see anything from the tiny dot out in the ocean, he was pretty sure that it would still be a sight to see.

He knew every country and nation, every single name for every single place claimed and owned in his past timeline, but never before had he come across an ‘Eiren’. It was a new place, which meant there were other new places and Evan had a whole different world to start memorizing.

He supposed that he must be extraordinarily lucky that Fermildin was still Fermildin and had been in the same place he remembered.

Evan’s excitement at the prospect of new land to see was dulled by the looming shadow of a nearing person. His body stiffened until CaRtOoNz’s familiar profile appeared at his side.

The man gave a light hum, “Never been to Eiren before?”

CaRtOoNz turned to him and then raised an eyebrow as he recognized Evan relaxing next to him. Evan ignored the silent question for the one that had been asked out loud, “No, I haven’t. Is that a bad thing?”

The Right Hand didn’t question him and instead took Evan’s lead to continue with the innocent subject they started, “No, just means you got a lot to see.”

“I do?”

“Yeah, it’s one of Del’s favorite places.”

Something inside of him warmed at the knowledge CaRtOoNz so freely gave him, but another part mourned the fact that he probably wouldn’t be able to name those favorite places any longer. He hadn’t even known that Eiren existed.

He still allowed himself to smile at the thought of being somewhere Delirious enjoyed, “Really?”

CaRtOoNz huffed, “He won’t ever admit it, but what else would you expect from him?”

Evan chuckled in agreement, but had nothing more to add. Really, he should be in the galley with Bryce and Sakura looking over everything that they’d need for their next journey to… wherever else the _Delirious Army_ planned to go.

At least CaRtOoNz wasn’t reprimanding him for it yet.

Or Delirious for that matter.

He shivered at the thought.

“Daithi said you spent most the night with him last night,” CaRtOoNz stated brazenly and Evan immediately felt his body tense up. Daithi didn’t tell CaRtOoNz everything about last night, did he? He never agreed to not telling CaRtOoNz anything either and Evan already found out about how seriously Daithi took requests he didn’t promise himself to.

Was this why CaRtOoNz hasn’t reprimanded him yet for not being where he was suppose to be for the time of day it was?

“I…” Evan was well aware of CaRtOoNz’s dark stare watching him, but he didn’t know what to say as he grappled for words. He bit his bottom lip as he opted to continue staring at the distant dot of land on the horizon.

“Are you alright, at least?” The man asked, letting out a frustrated sigh, “Daithi wouldn’t tell me anything other than the fact that he needed to ‘baby ye all nig’t’,” CaRtOoNz mocked Daithi’s accent, and none too poorly either to Evan’s only slight amusement.

Evan blinked, and felt his body unwind for the second time during his talk with the Right Hand. He was unbearably grateful Daithi decided to keep this one thing to himself, but it still didn’t take out the embarrassment of having this sort of conversation with CaRtOoNz.

Having to admit to being with Daithi last night probably wasn’t all that different than telling the man why it happened that way - though at least CaRtOoNz wouldn’t have another thing to worry about. The thought softened the blow as he gave a weak smile to the man, “I’m fine, Daithi was just exaggerating.”

The man frowned, “If there’s something you aren’t telling me-”

“If it was important, Daithi would have already felt obligated to tell you,” Evan pushed, irked.

There was an uncomfortable silence that suddenly dropped between them.

Evan swallowed, taking a deep breath, “Sorry, that was completely uncalled for.”

The Right Hand let out a sigh, turning out to the ocean finally and freed Evan of his piercing gaze, “It’s fine, I understand.”

“I’m just a bit homesick,” he offered quietly. “Daithi helps.”

It wasn’t a lie - Daithi and his infirmary were the only two things that seemed virtually untouched from his old timeline to this one. Everything else, everyone else were too noticeably different for Evan to really feel… _at home_.

“I thought you ran away?”

Evan huffed, “I had… I had a lot of _changes_ between then and Felix.”

CaRtOoNz paused, “Makes sense.”

Evan raised an eyebrow at him.

The man rolled his eyes, “Fine, I didn’t know what to say.”

Evan laughed, “You should learn some conversation tips from Daithi.”

A scoff, “Oh yeah? What could he have said that was better?”

Evan grinned, “‘ _Oh, fock off. I don’t need yer life’s story._ ’”

CaRtOoNz grinned as well, “And that’s _better_?”

“Its a successful conversation ender.”

“ _Right_. One that’ll make it easier for you to realize it’s about time to get back to doing what you’re supposed to be doing, yeah?”

Evan gave a sheepish smile, “Of course.”

CaRtOoNz chuckled, “Get moving.”

“Yes, Sir,” he chirped, quickly moving to go below deck and find Bryce and Sakura.

Not exactly how he wanted to start the day, but Evan could admit that he felt marginally better. Even with the cold imprint seemingly burned into the palms of his hands.

He could see the galley just down the hall when he passed another member of the _Delirious Army_ \- they caught shoulders and Evan found himself shoved pretty forcefully to the side. He stopped dead in the middle of the hall after barely catching his balance, only a few feet from the galley entrance, something short of shock coursing through his veins as he took a glance back at the other person.

He was even more shocked to catch the brown gaze of another familiar face from another life. Evan himself was cowed by the distrustful glint in the man’s eyes as they met his own for only a moment and then turned back to watch his path.

The man disappeared from his sight after a few seconds, but Evan couldn't bring himself to move.

Once an ally in a past life - was Evan to assume that Basically wouldn't want anything to do with him in this one?

It was hard to earn someone's trust, Evan knew, and Basically was already a tough man to sway once he was convinced of something.

It was only the beginning, Evan told himself. He had a lot of time yet.

“Vanoss?”

He turned to his name, finding Bryce with a hesitant smile and concerned blue eyes, “I’ve called your name a few times now. Are you alright?”

Evan blinked, taking in Sakura who stood at his side. He flashed them both a smile of his own, “Yeah, just got lost in thought.”

Bryce made a noise of amusement, “You seem to do that a lot.”

“Old habits die hard.”

Bryce's smile grew wide and confident, “Join us?”

Evan turned his gaze to Sakura who met his brown eyes with her grey colored ones - her facial expression was wiped clean as it usually was, a blank porcelain guise that matched her equally empty stare. In more ways than one Sakura unnerved him, made his insides quiver and shake at the oh so familiar countenance that graced her pale features.

Though, in more ways than not, she also made him calm in places that threatened chaos.

She was unnaturally soft, making sure to tread carefully around the people she spent her time with, and unusually self-conscious about her actions with hesitant, slow movements that seemed to ask permission to do anything. Though she never verbally asked to do anything to Evan’s relief - really, she rarely ever spoke. And quite contradictory, Sakura always seemed to be blatantly confident in what she did.

It was more like she was worried about offending or scaring away anyone she was in proximity of.

Evan was almost worried about what her backstory must have been.

There was no Sakura in his past life, but Evan felt a breath of familiarity and peace with her that must have been because of how emotionally handicapped she appeared.

And she didn't deem it necessary to ask Evan difficult questions every single minute they spent in one another's company.

Sakura wasn't the only one he felt bizarrely comfortably with that he never knew in his past timeline - there was Arawn, as well.

He was almost worse when it came to emotional prowess.

Whereas Sakura seemed to understand she could negativity affect people around her and tried to steer clear of that - Arawn just didn't seem to comprehend people at all.

He was a bit awkward - though that was mostly Evan projecting - Arawn made Evan feel a little better about his own emotional difficulties.

Ny and Joker were the most emotionally driven people he's come across so far on the _Delirious Army_. At least, from the group of faces he hadn't met in his past life.

Ohm and Bryce were on a whole tier of their own.

Evan grinned, “Sure.”

Sakura tilted her head at him, slate colored orbs piercing into his skin. It was almost like she knew the trail of thoughts he spiraled down into. “There is not much left to discuss,” she intoned.

“I know, I know,” Bryce answered, “I just worry.”

“We are nearing Eiren this very moment,” she continued, “There is not much left to worry for.”

Bryce’s face flushed, “Point out my failings why don't you.”

“That was not my intention.”

Bryce shook his head, a fond smile on his lips, “I know.”

Sakura blinked.

Evan chuckled, drawing both their attention. “Well, seeing as I've missed most of the original discussion, would you be willing to run it over with me anyways?”

Sakura nodded, “Very well.”

Bryce smiled and Evan followed after their lead with a smile of his own.

Today wasn't so bad after all.

Evan unconsciously clenched and unclenched his hands into fists, ignoring the crescent shaped bruises on his palms twinging painfully at the movement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at that. A long update. Finally, I have been blessed with the ability to put words to document for extended amounts of time without interruption.
> 
> :) anyway, hope you all liked it.
> 
> And I feel the need to explain that my character Sakura was made way before I took on my pen-name _Sakura Lawliet_. I mean, I made her to be everything that I wished to be, but mostly, Sakura is just another character that I cherish and love to implement. It's not me putting myself into the story, though thats a really interesting thought to pounder, haha.
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	18. “I’m sorry.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _This obsession was eating him alive, he realized, watching those blue eyes flicker with something he couldn’t decode._

Eiren really was a beautiful place. Well, at least, one could see the beauty it _had_ been.

The small town wasn't much of anything now - just a bunch of rubble and debris centralized in the middle of scorched, blackened land; burned to a noticeable crisp.

Evan has seen his fair share of ruination in his lifetime, but he still eyed the damage with wide eyes and a heavy heart. Truly, this was barely anything compared to everything he’s seen, but maybe his shift in perspective was a little more sharp than he originally thought. The conclusion made him swallow a lump in his throat.

Really, there wasn't much left to salvage of Eiren - the damage done was too much for such a small place, it’s spine was completely and purposefully decimated - but in the midst of the destruction you could see the stubborn slow start of a steady rebuild. A small rekindled hope in the middle of utter loss.

He really didn't want to know this story, though at the same time he wondered of the culprits that tracked this path of obvious pain and suffering in their wakes. Evan wished to stay clear of them.

“I wish you could have seen Eiren before, in all her glory,” CaRtOoNz murmured to him from his spot next to Evan on the ships main deck.

Evan spared him a glance, before his eyes stuck back onto the blue outline that was his captain, who made a fixed beeline down the gangplank to the pier and continued on to the lone person who stood just on the edge of the docks.

This person was draped in what almost looked like fancy robes, made from a slick material that took to the shine of the golden sun very nicely, but also seemed to hide their body figure just as well. They had an austere fashion for straight posture as Sakura, Delirious, and CaRtOoNz did, with their hands laced delicately in front of them draped primly over their midsection.

From such a distance, Evan couldn’t really make out weather this person was male or female, and the short sleek, chin length black hair did nothing to help. Though, his mind flashing an image of Ny’s long blond hair, he reminded himself that either way wouldn’t have been a definitive aid.

He sighed, “Me too,” he answered.

CaRtOoNz raised his eyebrow at him, probably noting the time it took for Evan to respond, “You feeling good?”

Evan rolled his eyes, “I’m fine,” he murmured, “I just haven’t seen such damage like this in a while.”

CaRtOoNz frowned, eyes following Evan’s gaze to roam the weakened village, “I wish it wasn’t like this,” the man muttered, voice hard and steely, his fingers digging into the railing with whitened knuckles, “Eiren never really deserved this.”

Evan tilted his head in thought, watching Delirious interact with what he assumed was the person to represent Eiren, short bows being exchanged and then a series of inaudible words, “What did happen here?”

CaRtOoNz suddenly looked extremely guilty, but then the expression was instantly erased from his face - though Evan could still see, to the man’s unexpectant knowledge, the warring emotions swimming in his brown eyes, “Punishment.”

Evan blinked, “What?”

The Right Hand glared unseeingly through Eiren, “Punishment for aiding the _Delirious Army_.”

There’s a strained silence to follow.

Evan felt like he could understand a little better now - like a cold slap of ocean wave that lapped at the edge of his brain and suddenly made everything slightly clearer as they washed away the sand and dirt. A lens wiped clean of it’s grime.

Everybody was so scared - not just by the _Delirious Army_ itself - but by the wake of destruction that followed them, though not necessarily done _by_ them. No one seemed to see past Delirious’ tough exterior or that the _Delirious Army_ was ‘full of nasty pirates’ to understand there might be a little more underneath the surface.

They were the easy ones to blame - so they were blamed to every inch of their lives.

“As deemed necessary by _Atmós_ ,” he spat the name out like venom, a gross disgust painting the man’s face with striking obvious hate.

The name was a familiar one to Evan, making his bones tense and straighten, an ache making its way through his chest at the mention. He bit his inner bottom lip, tasting iron and metal on his tongue to keep from making the hissing noise of recognition that burned at his throat.

His eyes locked onto Delirious’ blue form once more, a slithering urge to lock himself into those arms of his, to bury himself into the comfort of the man’s scent and body. His blood burned underneath his skin for the need to verify the man’s living existence once more. An urge to hold onto the physical embodiment of everything that abhorred name had taken from Evan.

It seemed that no one was truly safe from the nation that held it’s stronger navy over everyone’s head.

“Vanoss?”

Evan blinked, hazily turning his attention to his current company.

“Are you alright?”

In that moment, Evan quickly became aware of the way his body shook and trembled, like a leaf in the wind that awaited it’s departure into the endless sky. He only wished that his grounding tree wasn’t so far away.

Evan’s fingers dug into the wooden railing like CaRtOoNz’s had earlier, but the crescent shapes wounds on his palm made the pressure more painful. It was all the grounding he could get at this point, his eyes tracing the familiar lines that made Delirious, _Delirious_ , but the man was too far away to make Evan feel the solace he needed even when he and that person in dark garbs seemed to be walking back towards the ship.

“Hey,” CaRtOoNz instantly had a hand on Evan’s shoulder, fingers worryingly digging into his flesh, “ _Are you okay_?”

Evan couldn’t respond, noting that his breathing was coming out in spurts, and he forced himself to let go of the railing when he felt his bones ache under the pressure. However, at the loss of a steady object his insides clenched up in panic, making him grapple for the man next to him. His throat rasped at his lungs spasmed in his chest.

The Right Hand looked about just as panicked as Evan felt, instantly pulling him into his arms when Evan gripped the front of his shirt with a hold that threatened to rip the fabric at it’s threads. The man turned away from Evan with a hard expression on his face, “Get me Daithi. Now!” He shouted to someone out of Evan’s sight.

His eyes zeroed in on his fingers holding onto CaRtOoNz for dear life, feeling something hot and searing spread through his veins. The shame ate at him, making his lung sputter more in retaliation. He was better than this, he reminded himself. What the _fuck_ was wrong with him?

He was making a scene - he was making a mess out of himself in front half of the _Delirious Army_ and CaRtOoNz.

“Vanoss,” he heard through the fog as he felt CaRtOoNz start to rub his back in small circles, “Hey, I don’t know what’s going on, but I need you to calm down for me, okay?”

The man’s voice was soft, calm, steady, spoken into Evan’s ear with coherent clarity and just for him. It was low enough Evan could vaguely assume that they were the only ones who could hear it.

His heart clenched, his throat tightening, “Dai…”

“Yes, Daithi will be here soon, I promise.” Evan slumped into him, and CaRtOoNz easily held him up, a small lopsided grin marring his face when he made Evan meet his gaze, “Damn it, when I said I’d try to make things easier for you, I wasn’t expecting you to fall for me,” he joked.

Evan couldn’t laugh, but he coughed in the attempt, his lungs sore and bruised while he tried to force himself into a normal breathing pattern. His throat was severely hating him, but he ignored it as he brought himself back to the present, trying to move his hazy brain back into the working order it should be in.

CaRtOoNz patted his back, “So, we good?”

Evan dragged in a deep breath, eyelashes tacky with wet eyes as he pushed himself from the safety that was CaRtOoNz’s strong hold. He nodded.

Brown eyes glittered with untamed concern, but nodded as well in confirmation, “Okay-”

“T’e fock ye mean yer _good_?” An Irish accent spat out from a ways away.

Evan and CaRtOoNz immediately turned to Daithi who angrily stomped over to them, eyebrows pinched together in consternation.

Evan had no words, and his throat protested any words he might’ve wanted to say anyway.

“Now, Daithi-”

“Don’t ye dare,” the man hissed to CaRtOoNz’s chagrin, “T’e fockin’ idiot get’s ‘imself inte more trouble t’en he’s damn well worth.”

Evan gave a sheepish smile in response.

Daithi shoves a cup of water into his arms a frown on pale lips as he turned to glare at CaRtOoNz, “So, w’at t’e hell ‘appened te make ‘im panic ‘is lungs out?”

The Right Hand frowned too, “I don’t know, we were just talking about Eiren.”

Daithi raised an eyebrow, dubious gaze turning to Evan, “ _Eiren_ made you have another panic attack?”

“Another?” CaRtOoNz asked, but Evan ignored him to shake his head, turning his stare down to his shoes.

What a weak thing he was.

A sharp silence takes hold of the three of them.

Alarms ring in his head when he realizes that - _yes_ , it was silent. Evan shoots his head up, eyes taking in the empty main deck, heart thumping in both shame and wonder.

Why was the deck empty?

“No one was here to begin with, Vanoss,” CaRtOoNz said with knowing eyes.

Evan blinked, but then he felt himself start to tremble again, the water in his cup threatening to spill out onto his hand. CaRtOoNz was right, he remembered the crew having taken the first chance they got to scatter out onto land, leaving the ship bereft of noise and people.

He had stayed behind with the Right Hand while Delirious followed his ship's company to the surface to meet with the person who waited at the docks edge for him.

“Then… who?”

CaRtOoNz then turned sheepish, glancing to someone behind Evan. Evan froze, and whipped around to spot blue clothes and a blank mask.

Something knotted uncomfortably in his stomach, making Evan nauseous and lightheaded as he soaked in Delirious’ cold stance and frozen eyes. The man next to him in the same insouciance, all blank faced and unperturbed - Evan’s body flashed hot with renewed shame.

Another silence fell over them and Evan suddenly wished quite vigorously that he _had_ died then at the mercy of the navy’s captain gun than to be subjected to the part pitying and part indifferent scrutiny he received now.

The man, Evan realized, was the person Delirious had led to the ship from the piers edge. He was shorter than Delirious, but not much shorter than Evan, his face all sharp angles and big eyes, with a striking similarity to Sakura’s doll like expressionism. Cool honey colored eyes, brightened and emphasised by the sleek black hair that framed a pale face, met Evan’s and he almost felt calmed by the emotionless pull they held.

“Deep breaths,” Daithi broke through Evan’s thoughts. “And drink yer water already.”

Evan brought the cup to his lips with shaky hands, his gaze locking with Delirious’. He dared not look away as he swallowed down the warm liquid that tried to sooth down his aching esophagus.

Those empty eyes were so similar, so terrifying familiar.

Maybe they weren’t so different after all.

The thought was unbiding, but it slipped beneath his skin without permission.

Maybe this was all just one big punishment, he thought. To see his angel turned evil with the same sickness Evan was born into.

This obsession was eating him alive, he realized, watching those blue eyes flicker with something he couldn’t decode.

Delirious was not the Delirious he wanted - _needed_ \- no, in fact, this man was everything he was trying so hard _not_ to be.

This man was Evan from a distant past he tried to lock away in a box that he wished to burn and scatter leftover ashes to far reaches of the world.

“Vanoss?”

Evan finally split himself from ice blue orbs, bringing his gaze to Daithi, “Yes?”

Green eyes narrowed at him, “You alright?”

Evan gave a false smile, “As always.”

Those same green eyes rolled, “Ye bastard.”

“As always,” he repeated and CaRtOoNz rose an eyebrow at him.

“I got better t’ings te do t’en baby ye,” the irishman grumbled.

“Like reading your _lovely_ little poems?”

Daithi sputtered, face turning red as he harshly snatched Evan’s empty cup from him, “T’e fock ye talkin’ about?”

Evan grinned knowingly as CaRtOoNz himself tried not to snicker.

Daithi mumbled under his breath, “Ye be lucky t’at ye don’t get an ass whoopin’ from me, boy.”

“Sure thing, doc.”

One last glare and Daithi skittered off.

“I suppose now would be the time I propose you show me the hold, Delirious?”

Evan blinked, eyes snapping to the new company aboard the ship while something sickening swooped through Evan’s stomach at the fact that this random man was allowed to say Delirious’ name so freely. He ignored it, squashing it down into the dark hole that was his heart.

If he was honest, the man had a nice voice - silky and warm with a hint of poise and confidence.

“Yes, come,” Delirious said, ever a man of few words, waving his hand to lead this stranger to the guts of the _Delirious Army_.

And then, Evan and CaRtOoNz were left in the silence of their own company once more.

A light breeze shifted the air between them, making Evan shiver under the tickle of his hair against his forehead - flashes of night stars, cold skin, and red rain blinking past his eyes before he focused back onto the Right Hand.

The man stared at him with curious brown eyes and Evan waited.

“So, you gonna tell what happened there?”

Evan blinked - seems he didn’t have to wait long.

He sighed, “Noth-”

“If you say nothing, I’m gonna scream,” CaRtOoNz gritted out irritated.

Evan closed his mouth, biting his lips together before shrugging, “I’m sorry.”

“About what? You can’t tell me? Or you _won’t_ tell me?”

“I…”

“You know, the _Delirious Army_ is a family,” CaRtOoNz said, his hand landing back onto Evan’s shoulder, “We all look out for one another and we all care. We want to understand one another and hold each other up in times of weakness. You must understand - Daithi and I, we only want the best for you.”

Evan blanked out at ‘ _family_ ’.

“Are you just being stubborn or are you scared of something?”

A sardonic smile touched Evan’s lips without his permission, his eyes gazing back down at their feet. “You know, someone once told me that same thing before.”

CaRtOoNz tooked taken aback, eyes wide and eyebrows pinched together in confusion, “What?”

Evan looked up to give him a self-deprecating smile, watching the man’s expression soften immediately, though he didn’t understand why, “Someone once told me that same thing,” he reiterated, voice more subdued then he expected but left it at that as he turned back to Eiren. Poor broken down Eiren.

He watched CaRtOoNz follow his gaze out to the village from the corner of his eye and wondered if the man caught onto the message faded between the lines.

He probably did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at that, another chapter. :) It's a bit slow, but we're steadily slipping into the beginning of what will conflict Arch 2.
> 
> I appreciate all the support and encouragement.
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	19. “Why the hell are you here?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Do you know how long I've been trying to get on that ship?” The kid huffed, “I've known Delirious for years, so why the hell is_ he _here instead?”_

“Akito,” CaRtOoNz suddenly said.

“What?” Evan said, snapping out of some sort of haze he had entered while the Right Hand led him down the gangplank and on towards the piers edge.

The man raised an eyebrow at him, “That guy that Del took onto the ship; his name is Akito. Akito Rin, for formalities sake, but he’s what Eiren would term as their ‘leader’.”

“But not?” Evan asked, eyes leaving his companion to instead study his new surroundings.

“No, Eiren doesn’t have anyone who rules them. They all silently take their roles and spread them out for everyone to take part in. Like a family,” CaRtOoNz flashed him a quick smile, “It’s probably why the _Delirious Army_ takes to Eiren so well.”

Evan made a contemplative noise, staring down the tumbled buildings of what use to be Erien as they passed.

“But everyone respects Akito, to the point where he’s the most sought after individual.”

“Why?” Evan inquired, a spark of interest igniting in his chest that he latched onto; shoving some other ugly feeling into a box to once more shove away somewhere dark.

The Right Hand shrugged, “You saw him - he’s very calm, very collected. He’s wise for his age and when… well, when Eiren was destroyed, Akito took on everyone he could and held them above the overwhelming grief and despair. He gave them something to hold onto, I guess.”

“And he’s not ‘Leader’?”

The man laughed, “No, I suppose not. Eiren doesn’t care much for titles or labels. They just do as they do, but as a whole.”

“Well, that’s good.”

“Yeah,” he smiled. “If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t know how the survivors would have fared.”

“How many?”

CaRtOoNz’s face fell, “Maybe a hundred? Hundred twenty? I don’t know specifics. Sakura and Akito would - maybe even Delirious.”

Evan blinked, “Sakura?”

“Yeah, this is her hometown.”

With wide eyes, Evan looked over the damage of Eiren again, “Oh.”

“It’s nothing to worry about - Eiren, Sakura and Akito included, have quite smoothly rolled past it’s destruction. They still mourn yes,” CaRtOoNz said, “But they’re more focused on rebuilding. They’re a very strong bunch, Eiren is.”

Evan smiled, “I can tell.”

CaRtOoNz spared him another smile, “There may not be much left of Eiren, but you’ve got lots to see, come,” he said, leading Evan through the debris of more broken homes laid spattered across cobblestone pathways.

They cut through now unfurnished homes, crumbled and broken, the insides coated with leftover soot of the flames that had once licked at their rough surfaces. The charcoled remains a silent reminder of all the horrors to have come and passed. Evan paused, hearing CaRtOoNz’s footsteps crunch over charred wood and dirt.

His eye caught a piece of parchment, a corner burned away, but it was still there half buried under grime and ash. After sending a glance to the oblivious Right Hand who relentlessly moved through cobbled pathways of evidential war, Evan turned back to the pile of bricks that once held a family. He stepped over a pitiful brick wall that had collapsed over itself and into territory he felt emotionally unfamiliar with. The dirt and debris crunched under his feet and he winced at the noise, but continued on until he stood above the pile of ash that held his attention.

Evan bent down, hand reaching out, then froze.

Would it be wrong to disturb something that was so clearly left untouched?

Biting his lip, Evan snatched the paper up without a second thought. After waving it through the air a few times to make some of the clingy soot fall off, he turned it over to see what it was. His heart skipped when he met another pair of dark eyes.

A man, and a woman sketched out in light, even strokes that made a rough picture of who they were. Every detail was done with careful precision, in such a way that implied skill and talent in every line. The singed edge cut into the lady's hair that seemed to flow down past her shoulders in tamed waves, but her face was fortunately spared, showing off the tender beauty of her countenance with drawn reverence.

Evan felt himself staring longer than he intended, something heavy weighting in his chest. In the distance he heard CaRtOoNz call his name, and he blinked down at the image. A smudge blended in the lapels of the man’s jacket and Evan felt a sharp sting shoot through his heart.

The thing was no larger than his hand, but it was still priceless, Evan was sure. And after a quick thought, he folded the paper into a small enough square to stick into his pocket without smudging further - regret for creasing such a beautiful image sat to sour in his gut - so he could go back to CaRtOoNz before the man worked himself up at Evan’s sudden absence more than he already had.

Whoever drew such an image of two people like that must have loved them very much. They had wanted something to hold of them, something to keep and cherish. And if Evan ever came across anyone of this family, maybe he'll be able to give them something they never knew they wanted until they had it.

Something like hope churned in his stomach with the thought.

“Vanoss!” CaRtOoNz cried in the distance, a sharp tone underlaid.

“I’m here,” Evan answered when he found his voice again, making his way back out onto the cobblestone path with the sounds of a broken home to follow with every crunch and crackle of his stride.

The man instantly appeared around a corner at Evan’s response, eyes narrowed with worry and eyebrows pinched with something short of anger. “Where the hell did you go?”

“Just got caught up with some stuff,” Evan said, “Sorry.”

CaRtOoNz frowned then gave a small sigh, “Just give a warning next time, yeah?”

Evan pulled a smirk from somewhere, “Aw,” he cooed, “Where you worried about me?”

Chocolate eyes rolled, “Damn it, Vanoss,” he grumbled.

“Listen,” Evan said with a grin, “You joked around when I was a breaths way from passing out cold - I think I get the right to joke around when you're panicky too,” he teased.

“That was different!”

Evan scoffed, walking to and then passed the man in the direction he’d headed before Evan got sidetracked. “Sure.”

“Fuck you.”

“What elegant language for a Right Hand, Toonz.”

There was a straight up growl before CaRtOoNz appeared at Evan's side, though the man was completely relaxed in contrast to his tone. He flashed a grin to Evan and Evan raised an eyebrow at him. “I had to start somewhere,” he replied.

Evan laughed, making his companion bump shoulders with him as they walked.

The conversation ended there, but they made their way to wherever the Right Hand had in mind for a destination with a comfortable silence settled between them.

Evan was a little more than surprised, however, when as CaRtOoNz led them a ways from the seared edges of a crumbled Eiren into flat greenery with the distance view of the strong efforts of rebuild, he steered them instead into the tall line of dark green bushes that covered the outskirts of the new location Eiren settled into.

They exchanged no words as CaRtOoNz took them further down a path through the dense shrubbery until - they broken through and Evan was frozen as he stared out into the distance of the opened area.

Colors, all sorts and arrangements, covered over acres and acres of land, stretching far and wide to the naked eye. The sun touched over the area with a soft glow, scattering a golden shine over the already almost ethereal sight. A light breeze rolled through, catching along every delicate flower and every fragile vine before it swept over him and CaRtOoNz, curling the soft grass with it as it carried on.

CaRtOoNz smiled, “It is fortunate that even though its village was lost; Eiren’s gardens survived virtually untouched.”

“And this… this is what Eiren is known for?” Evan murmured, eyeing up the soft hue of pinks, yellows, blue and... so much _more_.

“Yes, it's Eiren’s pride and joy. It wraps all the way around their new settlement, covers a good chunk of land that separates them from the forests on the other side of the meadow.”

The tall trees towered in the distance across the meadow, leaves now faded reds and yellows to paint the season of fall in obvious fashion.

Even the soft grass beneath their feet was nearing a yellow shade, and Evan turned to CaRtOoNz who raised an eyebrow at him, “And this is all natural?”

“Yup,” the man chirped, “Though, as much as I'd like to stay here, we need to get going. I just thought I'd show you this before we got stuck catering to Eiren’s people for the rest of the day,” he smiled.

Evan blinked, “Oh.”

“Come,” the Right Hand urged, throwing an arm around Evan’s shoulders to turn him bodily back to the way they came, “We’ll be back after we're done with our duties, promise.”

Evan noted the minute shivering of his body and tucked himself a little more into the warmth of CaRtOoNz’s side, “Okay.”

He also noted that the man implied they’ll be coming back here again _together_.

Evan smiled.

Soon, though, Evan found himself standing in a conglomerated group of mixed _Delirious Army_ members and those of Eiren who came to greet and welcome them back. He had tried to stick to CaRtOoNz’s side as much as possible, but inevitably the man got lost in the crowd, leaving Evan to be unconsciously pulled and pushed through the gathering of unknown faces and names.

He was eventually spat out the edge of the happy grouping, left to blink into the batch of people content to stand around and catch up on however much time they'd been split apart. It was like watching a family reunion - though Evan didn't have much experience with the term.

Though, it still didn't put off the fact that Eiren and the _Delirious Army_ seemed to know one another quite thoroughly. As if the crew itself had came from this village to instead take to the sea.

It was an interesting notion, but Sakura’s name had been the only one CaRtOoNz mentioned being from Eiren.

And from what he remembered, Delirious and CaRtOoNz came from a small place called Skiá - if that town even existed here anymore. And Bryce had been from Liakáda, which surprisingly had been where Tyler and Craig came from as well - while from what he knew, Ohm was from somewhere called... Adiya? Adene? Adeia? Well, he was from somewhere like that anyway, Evan doesn't remember much of Ohm’s background - it was all a bit foggy.

Evan wondered if any of those places existed here. It was almost a sad thought.

“Who the hell are you?”

Evan turned around, brown eyes meeting mismatched ones. It wasn't so jarring for Evan after getting stuck on a ship with Joker and his own pair of differential colored eyes, but the surreal edge of the beady yellow eye that stared him down paired with its sharp green companion made Evan straighten out his posture in surprise.

“Me?” Evan asked, giving a short glance around.

“Yeah _you_ , idiot.” The kid said, his bright red hair a sore thumb on his person.

Evan blinked, a spark of irritation making itself known in his chest, “Vanoss. And you are?”

Ignoring his question, the kid, who looked no more than sixteen to seventeen years old, gave him another question with a scowl on his young face, “Why the hell are you here?”

Who the hell was this kid?

Evan raised an eyebrow at him, “It's not obvious?”

The kid looked offended, face pinched in some ugly expression and mouth opening to probably give some other agitating reply when another boy appeared from the crowd, putting a hand on the redheads shoulder. It effectively cut the kid off who looked to the new addition to their ‘conversation’.

“Natsu, what are you doing?” With a laidback expression and tone, the boy gave Evan a light smile in greeting.

The kid, _Natsu_ , huffed, “Do you know this guy?”

Cool blue eyes looked him over, “Nope, so why are you bothering him?”

The kid sputtered, “B-bothering!? It doesn't strike you odd that this… _guy_ we don't know came strolling in with the _Delirious Army_?”

“Nope,” the boy gave Evan amused but apologetic eyes.

“ _Fucking hell_ -"

“Natsume!” The boy chastised.

“Do you know how long I've been trying to get on that ship?” The kid huffed, “I've known Delirious for years, so why the hell is _he_ here instead?”

The blue eyed, black haired boy, much older than the redhead at his side gave a small sigh, “Listen, _the captain_ must have had a good reason, I’m sure.” Blue eyes met Evan’s with a large smile, “Hi, I'm Mark,” he stretched a hand out for Evan to take.

Evan blinked, but quickly shook off all the feelings attached to that name in order to accept the offered hand and give a smile of his own. “Vanoss, nice to meet you.”

They dropped hands, “The pleasures mine,” Mark looked down at the redhead, standing a fair good few inches taller than him with an amused expression, “This insufferable fool is Natsume. Natsu for short.”

Natsume scoffed, gaze looking elsewhere with arms crossed stubbornly over his chest.

“Nice to meet you too,” he tried, but the kid only frowned and scoffed again with his chin jutted up.

Mark shook his head with a fond smile, “He's like that, sorry.” The boy ruffled a hand through red locks to Natsume’s very apparent disgust and dislike.

The kid was instantly a few steps out of the way with permanently pinched features of displeasure and agitation. “I’m gonna go find Delirious - and don't you dare think this is over just cause Mark came to your rescue!” He spat before taking off to somewhere within the crowd.

Mark sighed again and Evan offered a grin, “He's got quite the personality.”

“He does,” Mark smiled, “It gets worse with the _Delirious Army_ around.”

Evan raised an eyebrow, “Really?”

A bigger smile, “Yeah, he's such a determined little thing - all he’s wanted was to be on the _Delirious Army_ , ever since he was little.”

“Then why…?”

Mark shrugged, “The captain said no. To wait until he was eighteen and then maybe he would think about it.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, anyways, it was nice meeting you, but I've got to go find… someone,” the boy smiled sheepishly, face a bit pink, “Don't let that fool push you around! He's just acting tough, but the only he's got is his stubbornness. See ya around,” Mark waved with a grin before he too disappeared back into the crowd.

Evan sighed.

There was just too many new faces and names. Eiren itself was already a huge rock in his gears.

He turned feeling a bit overwhelmed, hoping to maybe put some distance between himself and the crowd, maybe be able to make out CaRtOoNz from somewhere within it if he took to higher ground, but as he turned to leave, something clattered onto the cobblestones in front of him.

After a flash of alarm washed through his insides, he noted that the object was only a set of glasses. With furrowed eyebrows, he turned in the direction they came from.

Suddenly a man pushed through the people, shaggy brunette hair disheveled and messy with his clothes crumpled and haphazardly clinging to his slim figure with dull colors to match his equally dull features and presence.

He was squinting, a frown on his pale lips as he searched the newly made cobblestone paths for something he obviously lost.

Evan picked up the glasses, giving them a quick glance to make sure they were intact and perfectly fine before making his way to the unruly man. “Ah, um, I think you dropped these,” Evan called and the man turned squinted eyes to him.

“My glasses?” He put out a hand for them.

Evan immediately handed them over and stepped back to watch the man settle the pair of lenses onto the bridge of his nose. He blinked a few times before clear pale green eyes met Evan's brown ones.

The brunette gave a thankful smile, “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Evan said.

“Who are you? I don't think I've seen your face around here before,” the man said while giving himself a cursory glance. He cringed at his state of disarray and quickly set to work on fixing himself, starting with the creases and folds in shirt, palming a hand over them.

“I, uh, I'm new to the _Delirious Army_.”

The man raised an eyebrow at him, “Really now?” He swiped a hand down his shirt again followed by a hand through his hair.

“Yeah.”

“That's interesting. The last I checked, Delirious had no intention to take on more recruits.”

“I… I hear I'm special?” Evan tried. Technically, he was just a tool to Delirious, not really a crewmate as much as he didn't want to admit it - even to himself.

Maybe that did make him a bit special?

The man quirked an amused smirk, “Very interesting. Anyway,” he reached a hand out to him, and Evan was maybe a little sick of all these meet and greets now, “I'm Kenji, or Ken as most call me, but it's a pleasure to meet you.”

“Vanoss,” he said, accepting Kenji’s hand. “Nice to meet you too.”

The man smiled, taking his hand back. “Sorry about my rather abysmal appearance. I assure you that I am a well put together man, just on the poor end of luck and clumsiness.”

Evan smiled, “You’re fine. I'm a bit gauche myself.”

Kenji paused on the verge of saying something more when his eyes met something just behind Evan. Evan, curious as usual, turned to follow his new companions stare.

“Oh, how convenient. Just who I wanted to see,” the man commented with a fond smile. For which of the two people, or maybe even for the well timed approach of the two, Evan couldn't tell, “Maybe I do have a bit of luck today.”

Evan met frigid blue eyes and cool honey orbs, feeling a sigh seep from his very soul. He couldn't even bring himself to be amused with his poor luck in the face of Kenji’s first apparent appearance of good fortune today.

He wished the Earth would swallow him whole, not for the first time in his second lifetime as Delirious’ eyes showed him just exactly how pleased he was about this situation as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! It's another boring introductory one, though, haha, sorry about that.
> 
> However, I am very excited to show off the beautiful, misfortunate, Eiren and all her wonderful people. :)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed.
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	20. "I’m just a tool."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Evan forced himself to be okay with that and smiled wide as Bryce tripped over himself on his way over to him and CaRtOoNz, Ohm barely catching him in time._
> 
> _Because, what else could he really be if not okay?_

“Akito,” Kenji smiled, pale eyes soft in greeting before turning to Delirious, “Delirious. I'm happy I don't have to go chase you both down now.”

They both gave a nod of acknowledgement, but stayed silent as they closed to a stop in front of Kenji and Evan. Delirious’ eyes bore holes into his skin and Evan couldn't help but avoid the man’s gaze as much as he could.

With a subtle movement to push his glasses back up the bridge of his nose, Kenji turned his attention back to Akito who ran quiet, observant eyes over his figure.

“Kenji,” the man intoned dryly, “Your hair is a mess.”

A flush passed over Kenji’s face, instantly reaching to run fingers through his unruly nest of hair, “Sorry, Akito, my clumsiness got the best of me again.”

“I assume this man was for your aid then?”

Kenji smiled, “Yeah, this is Vanoss, a new addition to Delirious’ crew.”

“I am aware,” Akito stated prosaically, his eyes meeting Evan’s with no resistance, no show of anything beyond indifference. In soothed Evan's anxiety over a small bit, but at the same time made him nervous for what this man truly thought of him. Watching Delirious’ new choice for membership of the _Delirious Army_ falling over himself with a panic attack for no good reason must not have been a great impression.

Delirious’ cutting gaze was proof enough that he didn’t approve.

Kenji drifted to stand near Akito’s side and Evan felt a bit cornered within their small group. Delirious held more distance between him and his position next to the man described as Eiren’s respected leader-but-not, but Evan felt pinned by the three man shadow they casted over him.

“Well,” Kenji continued lightheartedly, seemingly ignorant of the shifted atmosphere of their semi-circle, “ _I_ was unaware. I’m very curious as to how Vanoss is here when you said that you had no intention to take on anyone more, Delirious.”

Evan blinked, himself a bit uncertain as to the almost underhand jab that was Kenji question to Delirious’ command. Kenji didn’t seem malicious, nor did he seem to harbor any ill will towards Delirious or who he was, but Evan felt very uncomfortable by the way Kenji worded his ask.

Delirious was unaffected and Akito himself seemed just as indifferent to the situation as before. Evan felt out of his depth. Not only did he question his ability to read others at this point, as Ny showed him before, but he no longer could accurately read the one man who he had felt he knew better than anyone in the world.

Better then himself.

“Kenji,” Akito clipped.

Kenji instantly stood straighter, the silent reprimand causing his face to once more flush red. “Sorry, that came out wrong,” he pushed his glasses up his nose again, more for something to fiddle with then to fix.

“I’m glad you don’t let him talk for you yet, Akito,” Delirious murmured offhandedly.

“I as well,” the dark haired male answered, “But I’m interested myself, Delirious, as to why this young man is part of your… _fellowship_.” The words were said hollowly, careful.

Evan felt he wasn’t truly part of this conversation. He felt more like an object, a subject to be talked about and passed around without much merit. Without thought. He swallowed a lump in his throat, eyes finding Delirious’ again through the thick air of disassociation between them. They were much colder, a hint of disdain that licked the edges of frosted ocean blues.

“He’s not.” Delirious said, matter of factly, “He’s just a tool.”

Evan blinked at him blankly before a bitter smile spread across his face unbidened. An emptiness quickly took up the space in his chest, “Just like I asked,” Evan snipped hastily, feeling the need to provoke his captain in one way or another - snidely or not.

He avoided Kenji and Akito’s eyes, allowing his once relaxed body language to slide back into attention, straight, tense. Just a tool.

Delirious was undermining his worth again, this time in front of an audience. Evan couldn’t really fault him really. The man was fighting again Evan’s challenging nature, though maybe the man could be a bit less cruel about it all.

It’s not like Evan wasn’t use to it, however. Unfortunately.

Now, Evan met Akito’s gaze. Pale honey eyes still managed to keep themselves unconcerned, calm. Folding his hands together behind his back, Evan offered a smile.

“I see,” the man answered, “Curious.”

Delirious narrowed his eyes at him, but Evan dared not look him in the eyes yet until he cooled off a bit inside. The whole bittersweet thing hasn’t let up and as much as Evan wanted to, he couldn’t truly bring himself to talk back to Delirious in front of others. It was one thing for Delirious to talk down to him, but Evan couldn’t undermine the captain’s authority.

 _His_ captain’s authority.

Someday… someday this will just be a memory. Just a memory, he told himself.

“A… bit cruel, though, isn't it?” Kenji said a bit awkwardly, uncertain, eyes unwilling to meet Evan's, but just as soft and pale as they were from the beginning.

And Evan decided he liked this man.

“Vanoss offered,” Delirious intoned, “And I accepted. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Evan finally met his gaze and paused. The amount of distaste and indifference swimming in the ocean depths of cold blue eyes made him swallow a heavy lump in his throat.

He may understand the severity of differences between this man and his Delirious, but Evan didn't think he’ll ever truly get over the contrasted look of such unfeeling vacant eyes that once used to be so beautifully emotional.

“I'm a lot more dangerous than I look,” Evan said without much thought. Truthful words that still left a bitter burn on his tongue at the memories that supplied such glaring evidence to support his claim.

Blue eyes sparked, Evan didn't dare look away. A challenge in poor conditions.

This Delirious hasn't been privy to any of Evan's _Before_ scenes. And in all honesty, he hoped the man never crossed paths with that side of him even through the rare times Evan _did_ want to show. To let the man have a taste of what could _truly_ scare Evan in his darkest of nights and the nightmares he could never really wash himself clean of.

Maybe there would be some understanding. Maybe respect.

Maybe _fear_.

“Vanoss!” His nickname washed over his ears with a wave of relief to Evan's skittering heart. The familiar voice soothed the darker tones of Evan's mind and he smiled, “There you are! I swear I didn't mean to lose you in the crowd, I promise. I just got… to… talking,” Evan turned to CaRtOoNz who finally reached his side.

The man's brown gaze was focused on Evan's forced three man party instead as he lost words.

“Oh,” he said, “I see you've found company of your own.”

“Yes. Lots of fun,” Evan murmured.

CaRtOoNz looked slightly amused before flashing a large smile, “Akito, it's great to see you again,” Evan forced himself to not flinch. The memory of his first impression still a bit sore as his friend pushed forward, “You too, Kenji - it's been forever. You're both looking amazing.”

Kenji flushed, lopsided smile quickly showing, “Thanks CaRtOoNz, it's nice to see you as well.”

“It has been a while,” Akito agreed, face completely serene.

The Right Hand pressed closer to Evan and he forced himself to keep his face neutral. He was silently grateful to know that at least _someone_ was on his side and was so easily able to show Evan without qualms. And as much as he'd love to smile and tell how pleasantly his friendship with CaRtOoNz made him feel, he'd rather not give Delirious something else to take away from him that was important, if Evan was to broadcast it so obviously.

Evan still saw blue eyes narrow from the corner of his eye, but managed to keep his lungs at a steady rhythm.

“How's it been?” The Right Hand continued.

“Good,” Kenji’s smile softened, “As good as good can get in our situation anyway.”

“Awesome,” the man enthused, even though to Evan everything felt to be falling flat. He felt like Delirious was carved scathing words into his flesh with just his eyes alone and tried to keep his body from squirming and his gaze focused solely on his only comrade. “And you two? You've been holding up well, yeah?”

“Yes, we have.” Kenji sent a quick glance to Akito with shy eyes and a fond smile, “Right, Akito?”

Akito was a master of all things human apparently. Nothing broke free from his constant placid expression. “Yes, we have been well.”

“Awesome,” CaRtOoNz repeated with a large smile and Evan almost jumped out of his skin when a hand suddenly grabbed just above his elbow, “As much as I'd love to stay and chat, this is Vanoss’ first time here and there's some people I want him to meet. I know he's a great conversationalist and all,” a pointed look made Evan roll his eyes, “But I'm gonna steal him back. See y'all later, don't be strangers!”

Then Evan found him pulled back into the large crowd of people, nameless faces passing his vision in a daze as he tried to piece together the leftover fragments of his brain. He didn't have much time before his friend pulled them out the other side, CaRtOoNz puffing a few deep breaths out with a slight pout to his face.

“Gosh, I'm glad to be done with that!”

Evan raised an eyebrow at him, “You?”

The man gave him a grin, a laugh on the rise, “Oh, the way they were picking at you alive. I've never witnessed such a silent, but disgustingly gory feeding before.”

Evan rolled his eyes again, arms crossing over his chest, “Oh, shut up.”

“How was it? To have the vultures tearing open your soul for the public to watch?”

“CaRtOoNz.”

The man laughed, subject switching fast, “Them two, Del and Akito? They are a goddamn match in hell, I swear.”

Evan frowned, “Yes. Yes, I suppose they are.”

“Personalities fit like a fucking puzzle,” the man grinned, “One bland doll for another. I don't know how Kenji does it, man.”

“He looks up to him. Akito, I mean.”

“Well, yeah,” CaRtOoNz said, “The kid's been following after that guy since they were crawling on all fours.”

Evan paused. He noted that for later thought.

“Why though?”

The man shrugged, “I don't know, Akito does have a sort of charm to him. Draws you in, ya know? It's just Del, when he's there he sort of cancels it out. He's got a death aura that'll stretch across the fucking ocean. Acting like he’ll cut your throat faster than words could leave your mouth.” CaRtOoNz gave a small amused chuckle, “Them two are a nightmare together.”

“He probably would.”

They both paused. CaRtOoNz looked at him oddly, brown eyes calculating, “Vanoss-”

“The captain, I mean,” Evan verified unnecessarily, voice small with eyes running over everything that _wasn't_ his only friend.

“Hey,” a hand on his shoulder made Evan's back snap into line with a few flashes of hazy rain and clouded ocean eyes until he could focus on clear brown ones that eluded concern and resolve, “Hey, you know he's just being stubborn. He'll come around.”

Evan looked down at his feet. He couldn't quite believe that, not anymore, “I dont know, CaRtOoNz.”

“Look at me,” and Evan did. Brown eyes hard and determined. “I promise.”

Evan couldn't help but think he just dug his own grave at that point. CaRtOoNz would go talk to Delirious and then… Evan didn't really want to think about what would come after. “I'm just a tool,” he said instead.

Those words a brand on his forehead, words that had etched themselves into his soul. Nothing more, nothing less. He'd never really get away from them, would he?

CaRtOoNz drew back, “What?”

Evan gave a bitter smile, “Just a tool,” he repeated, bringing a hand up to pat the Right Hands’ that suddenly gripped tighter over his shoulder. “You'll see, CaRtOoNz. You’ll see it too.”

Maybe it would never really be Delirious who would come around, but instead Evan who finally would.

“What the fuck are you talking ab-"

“Vanoss! Toonz!”

Evan let out a breath he hadn't realized he’d been holding, suddenly, luckily, saved from a very awkward conversation he didn't know how to have by the one true bright thing there seemed to be left in Evan's muddled existence.

Bryce grinned at them and waved in the distance, an exasperated Ohm in his wake. As he began to jog his way to them, Ohm seemingly reluctant in his follow, CaRtOoNz turned back to Evan with serious eyes and a dark frown, “We'll have this talk later,” the promise searing and hot between the lines. A seal of dread to make Evan’s stomach sink with heavy stones, but nodded in distressed acknowledgment.

He brought it on himself anyway, he told himself with an inner sigh.

They both turned back to the approaching boys, CaRtOoNz’s body language melting into the carefree, lazy style of earlier. It suited him better.

Evan remembered their first meeting, and was suddenly hit with how far he's come. To see such different sides of everyone belonging to the _Delirious Army_ that was portrayed so vastly, completely wrong.

He felt privileged and warm at the thought. Until he remembered how increasingly _spiteful_ his captain had become in relation.

Guess one couldn't win all the battles.

Though in hindsight, it looked like he'd never win the war that was Delirious either.

Evan forced himself to be okay with that and smiled wide as Bryce tripped over himself on his way over to him and CaRtOoNz, Ohm barely catching him in time.

Because, what else could he really be if not okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, a bit late, sorry. And on top of that, its a bit angsty.
> 
> If you see any typo's please let me know! Wrote this on no sleep and lots of coffee, I don't think I can catch all the mistakes.
> 
> Anyway, hope it was enjoyable. And no worries, there'll be another chapter for this week later on. :)
> 
> Thank you for reading and your patience. All your guy's support and encouragement is fuel for my soul, I'm so appreciative, you don't even know,  
> ~Sakura


	21. “I’ve watched many die, many sacrifice, but I could never understand any of it."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Sleeping never came easy, even when he was his older self, able to reason away his more absurd inconsistencies - because how can you be afraid of the dark when you were raised to be a man without such emotionalism? But now…_
> 
> _Now he found himself worse for wear - if he couldn’t erase the emotions, how could he erase the memories, the nightmares?_
> 
> _Was he just a faulty human being? Because sometimes it felt that way, no matter how much Delirious had tried to convince him otherwise._   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back; sorry if the chapter seems a bit choppy.
> 
> This was suppose to be out last Sunday night, as I told, Rainstorm67, but of course my internet connection decided that wasn't going to happen. So here I am, later then late, but hoping you enjoy.
> 
> Let me know of any mistakes/inconsistencies you may or may not come across so I can fix them for you! Thank you :)

The evening passed swiftly - the reunion between ship and land pleasantly concluded in order to shift focus to their collective duties. Such as hauling crates of linen and other necessities Evan had no clue what might be across acres of scorched lands to the new settlements of Eiren.

Those of Eiren were pretty decent towards him in their work to stack and move boxes to the wagons ready to tote them to where they need to be - honestly, the peoples of Eiren were a lot more welcoming to him, new face and all, then those of his own ship.

A shove here, a glare there, a few frowns, a mix of snapped commands on where someone _thought_ he should be - really, for having been on the _Delirious Army_ this long already, he would have thought they would have warmed up to him _somewhat_. Or at least his presence.

Like captain, like crew, he supposed.

At least CaRtOoNz gave him a few smiles here and there, maybe just a twitch in the corners of his mouth, but it was better than nothing.

The sun was just disappearing behind the distant horizon when the last wagon made it’s steady way from shore to Eiren, some opting to follow it while others decided to sit and chat for a little break.

Evan sighted the black spot that was Akito standing next to Delirious’ navy drenched form in front of the gangplank to the ship. They were silent, at least it looked that way until Akito’s lips started moving. The man’s expression did not budge once from his constant serene stare that seemed to be following the last wagon of support relief to his home, but from how often he seemed to volley his words with Delirious - who’s mask made it impossible to read even just slightly - the conversation seemed serious.

Delirious grew increasingly tense as Akito continued to talk - it was obvious even from how far away they were - and Evan felt a bit irritated by the scene. Aliken to a mix of anger and bitter envy.

He shoved that thought down as quickly as possible; certain that he was losing his mind a small bit.

Yes, Akito and Delirious were seemingly close, but it was none of his business anyway, was it?

He was just a tool - and even if whatever he and his original captain skirted on the edge of had came to fruition, he still had no claim or obligation to the man. Original one or not.

“What’s so interesting?”

Evan froze at the sudden voice to his side, trying to calm his instantly frayed nerves begging to _defend_ , to _protect_. Instead, he turned his head to face one of the very few friends he looked to have here in this different world. “CaRtOoNz.”

The man flashed him a quick smile before turning his gaze back to the very two people Evan had been so focused on, “You do realize you’ve been staring at the captain and Akito for a very _long_ time, yeah? It’s kind of creepy, to be honest.”

“It’s nothing,” Evan said, “I just got caught up in my thoughts.”

“You do that a lot apparently.”

“Say, CaRtOoNz,” Evan murmured, eyes falling on Delirious once more, “Was there ever a moment in your life where you thought you might have to give up your life to save someone you love?”

There’s a tense moment of silence in the sudden switch of subject, one where Evan can tell that CaRtOoNz is certainly shocked, surprised, probably wondering what the hell was going on as he tried to thread together some spare thoughts. “Where the hell did that come from?”

Evan sighed, “Nowhere.”

The silence stretches, and Evan expects the Right Hand to walk away from this sort of conversation, but is surprised himself when CaRtOoNz, with a clenched jaw, responded, “Yes. There was.”

Evan blinked, words spilling unceremoniously out of his lips, “Is it illogical to waste life to save life, do you think?”

Clearly uncomfortable, CaRtOoNz shifts his weight from two feet to one, “Certainly not. Vanoss, what’s going on?”

“A worthless life for a righteous one?” He continued, “What if it was a righteous life for a worthless one, then, CaRtOoNz?” Evan swallowed, “I’ve watched many die, many sacrifice, but I could never understand any of it... If it came to it, would you do it - would you sacrifice?”

CaRtOoNz latched a hand onto his shoulder, pulling Evan to face him, chocolate colored eyes fixed on honey ones. He seemed to be searching for something, for what Evan didn’t know - but apparently it was there because the man opened his mouth, “I have no idea why your in a mood today - ever since that blasted episode you had on the ship - but yes, damn it, yes; I would. If I could save someone I cared about, do something for them - I would gladly throw myself in front of a sword - or gun, or whatever.”

“Would you suppose _he_ would do the same,” Evan whispered, voice breaking slightly, hoping it wasn’t noticeable - even as he hazily watched memories play across his mind.

“Yes, he would.”

Evan paused, “You believe that?”

CaRtOoNz raised an eyebrow, “You don’t gain a loyal ship and crew without a _little_ charisma, Vanoss.”

“What would stop a man from giving his life for another?” He asked, quite sure Delirious wouldn’t be willing to give his life for Evan’s in this world, but not willing to risk it. Evan didn’t think he’d be able to _function_ if Delirious was killed in Evan’s place once again.

He despondently wonders if a man could die from despair. He didn’t want to find out.

“I’m not quite sure, Vanoss,” CaRtOoNz was standing at his side again, his eyes along with Evan’s tracing their captain’s form in the distance, one of his hands still clenched onto Evan’s shoulder and even though memories continued to stir themselves up in his mind, he didn’t dare ask the man to remove it. “It depends on the man, I’m sure.”

Suddenly, CaRtOoNz was pushing him forward, hand tightening on his shoulder as if afraid Evan would slip away. He probably would have, however, as Evan realized how close they were nearing Delirious and his now silent companion, “Hey, wait,” he sputtered, “What are you doing?”

“Going to go visit Daithi and make sure you aren’t ready to throw yourself into the water - especially after that absolutely _thrilling_ conversation we just had,” the man muttered, steering them closer to the gangplank and by relation, _Delirious_. And just wasn’t that a sigh of how amazing Evan’s luck was?

“I’m not going to throw myself from the railing, CaRtOoNz, I don’t need to go see Daithi!” Daithi would surly kick his ass, Evan cringed. First nightmares, panic attacks, and now CaRtOoNz worried over his mental health - Daithi was definitely going to chew his ear off.

Evan froze, feeling CaRtOoNz bump into his side as Evan’s feet rooted themselves to the ground, but couldn’t think much of it as he found Delirious’ staring at them both - now only a few feet away.

And there was his signature, ‘it’s Vanoss’ glare again. Evan frowned, feeling CaRtOoNz let out a breath - probably a sigh as he shoved Evan forward again and continuing to do so until they were a mere two steps away from being pressed into their captain.

“I assume Daithi already skipped back to his room?”

Delirious nodded, glare still focused on Evan who tried not to meet his stare - until he finally met CaRtOoNz’s gaze and proceeded to ignore his presence. Akito was silent, honey colored gaze, now darkened to a golden brown with the dying daylight, fixated on the exchange. Evan shivered, having this irrational fear that the man could see right through him, and in all likelihood, he probably could. Being a leader required _some_ people reading skills, even for such a place like Eiren where it seemed a loose title, and lately Evan felt he was an open book - as much as he tried not to be, didn’t wish to be.

It doesn’t help that the man appeared to be very, very intelligent for such a young age.

“Awesome, I’ll see you later then - you too Akito,” CaRtOoNz said, shoving Evan towards the gangplank as Akito gave a nod of acknowledgement.

Evan shivered again, feeling two pairs of eyes lock onto his back.

“Why are we going to Daithi’s again?”

“To make sure you don’t feed yourself to the sharks.”

“Damn it.”

And Evan was right - Daithi was definitely _not_ pleased.

The night passed by, well, like it usually did when Evan was able to escape from Daithi and CaRtOoNz’s coddling - after, of course, CaRtOoNz said there wasn’t anything more to do now that Eiren’s got its crates and boxes - the time spent alone in his tiny room, candles burning and thin blankets piled haphazardly over his rickety cot.

His room definitely used to be a supply closet or something, he was sure.

He dearly missed the window his room while staying with Felix had - some fresh air would be nice and at least the moon would help shed some light into the shadows that the candles could barely fight.

Evan tired to ignore them as he tossed and turned in his small lumpy bed. It wasn’t working.

In the short few weeks he’s been on the _Delirious Army_ he’s gone through too many candles, having gone to Daithi to beg for more, more than enough times already, just to sate his need for a light in the dark. Sooner or later the doctor will stop giving in, and Evan will have to give up his unnecessary habit - though he hopes it’s far from now.

Sleeping never came easy, even when he was his older self, able to reason away his more absurd inconsistencies - because how can you be afraid of the dark when you were raised to be a man without such emotionalism? But now…

Now he found himself worse for wear - if he couldn’t erase the emotions, how could he erase the memories, the nightmares?

Was he just a faulty human being? Because sometimes it felt that way, no matter how much Delirious had tried to convince him otherwise.

He sighed, flipping onto his back.

It was just about dawn when Evan slumped out of bed, having only caught a few minutes of light sleep here and there, snippets of fiery blue eyes and a pink stained deck that dripped crimson burned into the flipside of his eyelids. Putting out his barely there candles, wishing inwardly for some luck to help him hold out before he went to Daithi again, he slipped from his room.

The ship was silent, as it wont to be in such early hours; a few occasional early risers sighted here and there that haunted the halls getting started on small duties or odd jobs, others to bask in the cool breeze and morning light.

And others like Evan who couldn’t sleep and deemed it better to buzz about the ship doing whatever.

Curiously, when Evan stopped by the galley to see if Bryce would be clunking around so early, he found instead a mess of what seemed to be flour all over most of the flat surfaces in the room. Bryce had clearly put something together last night after they finished with loading the wagons and decided to skip off to bed - it was probably late, leaving the mess for the morning after some sleep.

Sighing, Evan scavenged for a rag and tried to clean up as much as he could before moving to find a water bucket. It ate up some of the morning, and he was wiping the table down for the last time when Bryce barged in with a wide yawn.

“Vanoss!” He yelped, “You didn’t have to do that, I was going to get to it!”

Evan shrugged, “I’m your help, it’s fine. I got up early anyway, needed something to do.”

The boy frowned, “If you say so, but I’ll take care of the these for you then,” he said, taking the rag and bucket, “Go on and get started with your day. We get some free time now that we're here at Eiren - go spend it on something you want to do.”

Then Evan was quickly shooed from the galley, kicked out into the hall.

What the hell was he supposed to do now? He didn’t know Eiren and CaRtOoNz probably had his own stuff to do, as Right Hand and so on.

Well, fuck.

Evan made his way up to the main deck, more members of the ship out and about as the day slid into mid-to-late morning.

The deck wasn’t crowded at least, and Evan found himself eyeing Eiren over the railing of the _Delirious Army_ wondering if there was anything to do for himself without either getting in trouble or somehow injured - accident prone as he was.

It was bright out, the sun shining tenfold as if trying to bring life out of the blackened earth of Eiren, and Evan had an inkling of a thought that if it was always this radiant here then he could understand why this place was so popular to those of the _Delirious Army_.

That and the meadow.

Evan paused, eyes searching out the pale pastel colors of Eiren’s prized treasure and it wasn’t too hard to spot. It stretched out, curling itself behind the new settlements and continued on into wood and trees further back.

There was nothing better for him to do and though he held no love for flowers or the like, it did bring back fond memories. Such as recalling CaRtOoNz from his past timeline, and every feasible time he could, hauling back a bundle of bright forget-me-nots when they were able to dock for land, to jokingly present to Delirious, always spouting some nonsense about how they matched his eyes.

Delirious would roll his eyes and shoo the man away, but later on Evan would spot those same forget-me-nots in a makeshift vase on his desk with fresh water and in turn the light they sparked in his captains eyes when his blue gaze landed on them. Evan had never understand the point of them, and when Delirious finally noticed Evan’s curiosity for his vased flowers multiple scenarios later, he admitted to it being ‘an inside joke between him and CaRtOoNz’, but to an emotionally absent Evan - at the time - it did nothing to ease his confusion.

Evan sighed. He wondered if he could find some forget-me-nots in the mess of colors the meadow brought.

Pushing himself away from the railing, he followed the path through the ruins of Eiren-that-was that he and CaRtOoNz took and then through those bushes he remembered.

Instantly, there was a change in scenery, from a mediocre grassland, mostly charred away, and half built settlements, to scintillating fields with delicate wildlife.

It was soft, welcoming. Warm. Cozy in a way he couldn’t describe, and Evan truly wasn’t a man for the more… fragile side of life, but he could admit there was a certain charm to unadulterated nature.

As he took in all the tiny flowers and diverse colors, some more intricate than their neighbors, some more simplistic and he realized there would be no way he’d be able to tell which may or may not be a forget-me-not flower.

Evan sighed, but wasn’t truly disappointed. It just would have been nice to find.

Suddenly, he could make out the noise of footsteps that quietly padded soft grass which he originally mistaken for the gentle breeze that rustled out the trees and bushes. Tensing, he turned around.

He was surprised to see familiar black robes and honey pooled orbs.

“Oh, uh, hello,” he said, mentally kicking himself.

Akito didn’t acknowledge his word stumble and instead walked past him, much to Evan’s mix of relief and slight annoyance.

“Vanoss, yes?”

Evan straightened immediately turning to face the back of Eiren leader-that's-not, honestly not having expecting to be answered, “Yes. Yes, that’s correct.”

There was silence as Akito paused by a taller group of flowers pale finger reaching out to gently trace a pale purple petal.

“I must admit,” the man intoned, “I did not expect to find you here in Eiren’s Garden. CaRtOoNz always had a more inclined nature to accept those on the more delicate side of nature.”

Evan blinked, “Well… Honestly, this was a spur of the moment thing.”

Akito gave a short nod, moving further into the meadow and Evan awkwardly wondered if he was to follow, or even if he was welcomed to. Then Akito paused, posture straight and rigid and Evan promptly jump started into the wordless request to accompany the man.

They were side by side before the man continued on, words having seemingly disappeared into the space between them. More incidentally, Evan felt an absence of the usual picking apart feeling he’d get when in Akito’s presence.

Maybe there was some truth to CaRtOoNz’s statement about Delirious seemingly able to amplify the more negative atmospheres in his few companions.

It would sure explain a lot.

The quiet stretched for a good few minutes as they continued to walk further into the meadows depths, skirting taller grasses when they could and bypassing paths that required a fine trampling of a larger group of pretty flowers.

Evan spotted a stream ahead he had no clue was there, meraged in the endlessness of the pale grasses around it. He concluded that it was most likely their destination when in actuality he had no clue.

There had been no words for so long that Evan had to stop himself from flinching when Akito spoke up, even when his voice was naturally pitched to a quite soothing tone, “I was quite intrigued by how you came to be part of Delirious’ ship, especially when he already appears to be quite stuck on a negative opinion of you.”

Evan did wince at that, because _of course_ this was to be their topic of conversation. He should have expected it. “I’m very lucky I’ve been told,” he said, the very sentence he always leaned back on.

Akito’s face didn’t shift once and Evan wished suddenly that he’d taken lessons from this man when he was but a child on how to eliminate the more subtle emotions he could never really banish from his face or eyes. It would have made his younger years a lot easier.

“Luck is a human ideology. There is little chance that such a thing as luck exists.”

Evan blinked. “That’s an interesting thought,” poor response for a lack of knowing what to say.

“I have always thought so.”

Evan paused, amusement flickering underneath the surface of his surprise because he knew for a fact that that _had_ to be a joke. Or an attempt at one, at least.

Akito paused as well when he recognized the absence of Evan’s footsteps beside him, turning slightly to meet his gaze, “I apologize. Kenji has mentioned more than once that I have no ‘talent’ for using humor to lighten the atmosphere.”

Evan grinned after only a momentary static second, snorting in purely inappropriate way, “I think Kenji just can’t read tone very well.”

He couldn’t be sure, but Evan thought he could see a softer look in the man’s eyes, “Yes, I suppose that is true.”

Akito wasn’t so bad, better than he had imagined. He was surely different than the others on an emotional level, as Evan had been at one point, but the man did seem to have tact in trying to connect in such a way. It was admirable, suchlike Sakura’s tendency to proceed with caution around those of the more exuberant nature.

“We’re heading to that stream there, yeah?” Evan asked.

Akito gave a nod, turning to head back in the direction they were originally going, the atmosphere lighter than it had been, and thankfully broken from the topic of conversation they had started with.

For the moment, naturally, because their time together was far from over as of yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, hello.
> 
> I've missed you guys, missed _Chance_ , missed everything. It kind of got away from me there - and I have some things to clear up.
> 
> To just get it out there, I get discouraged very easily. Mostly it's a mental thing, but I have severe social anxiety and times where, usually a family member or someone else, will say something that I can't easily shake off - which in turn leads me to focusing on things about myself that I feel are _disgusting_ and I end up shut down. It's easier for me to not care about anything, then panic about everything... it's a defense mechanism and probably doesn't make much sense, sorry.
> 
> Either way, I tried writing this chapter twenty times in my absence, but ended up deleting it each time because I felt my writing was terrible and 'what's the point in writing if it didn't matter in the first place' - which most likely isn't the healthiest thing and if anyone knows me; I _love_ writing, but it is what it is. It happens and now its over.
> 
> I'm sorry it took so long.
> 
>  **And by no means am I trying to gain sympathy** (no one ever needs to respond my mess of chapter notes anyway), honestly, I'm kind of ashamed - especially as it's affected my ability to write and, in related, the progression of my story - and I wouldn't have said anything, but I think my over-two-month absentee deserved, at the very least, a truthful explanation.
> 
> **Weekly updates are back in motion (and the occasional double update when I'm able to) and I apologize immensely for disappearing so suddenly.**
> 
> Thank you for reading and your patience,  
> ~Sakura


	22. “You remind me of the Windflower.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Akito was intelligent, quiet but deadly, as they say. He was well versed in subtleties and had a way of soothing the more deeper wounds; ones that were sometimes so obscure they couldn’t be found until it was too late to heal them._
> 
> _Suddenly, Evan could understand why Eiren’s people leaned so heavily on Akito like CaRtOoNz had implied._
> 
> _Akito was the truest definition of humanity Evan’s found besides_ his _Delirious, and he didn’t know what to do with that apart from missing his captain with an accompanying stab to his heart._

“I have to ask,” Akito started, breaking the thin silence between them, “Why is it that Delirious thinks so negatively of you?”

Evan wanted to laugh at how mild Akito made the situation sound. Delirious hated him and even if he thought _really_ hard about it, Evan truly didn’t have a definitive answer as to why the man loathed him so.

“I don’t know,” he said, “Maybe because I talk back to him? Don’t let him walk all over me without letting him know exactly how I feel about it? Perhaps he feels threatened by me? Which I wouldn’t understand if he does,” Evan added, “He could feel suspicious of my character, or maybe he just doesn’t like the fact that I’m not frightened of him. I really don’t know. Maybe it’s just how the universe wanted it.”

Akito didn’t respond for a while, his honey eyes trailing the rivers frothy path through the meadow and into the woods a good distance away.

“As Delirious is a man of authority, I could understand if he felt frustrated by insubordination, but I do not feel that he is a man who trods over people for the sake of it,” Akito elaborated.

“Neither do I,” Evan said, thinking of how much Delirious’ crew respected their captain, “But Delirious hates _me_ , yes? He acts as if I forced him to take me on, when I clearly gave him a bargain he could say yes _or_ no to.”

Akito blinked, tilting his head to the side a bit when he turned to meet Evan’s gaze. It was the first reaction Evan’s seen the man do beside his blank expressions and calm eyes, “Bargain?”

“He didn’t tell you, did he?” Evan asked, amused despite himself, “I offered him myself for two years to use as he pleased and, when he felt done with me, dispose of me however he wished.”

“Interesting,” Akito commented, though Evan felt like it wasn’t exactly the response the man intended.

Evan frowned, “What do you mean?”

“I assume that you know what it means to be a man of leadership - it requires skills. Many of which are seen as both strengths and weaknesses,” the man said, “I’ve always seen a major strength in understanding the people around me and you, Vanoss, are very easy to read.”

“Easy?” Evan knew he sometimes wore his heart on his sleeve, but he didn’t think he was a man who was too obvious when it came to how he felt.

“Yes,” Akito intoned.

“How would you describe me then?” The curiosity to know was strong, and Akito seemed willing.

“A man of conviction,” the man said immediately, “Of purpose, need - protection.”

Akito wasn’t meeting his eye, but his tone was one that implied no argument was to be made as he knew exactly of what he said. Instead, his focus was on a small red flower, bright, small and fragile, it’s petals spread open, thin and smeared with white closer to where the pollen stood tall and gold.

“You are highly intelligent and speak with the air of a man who’s lived both good and bad times, a man who’s gained and lost. You speak of wisdom, but know you haven’t much, humble in ways many wouldn’t understand,” Akito locked his honey eyes with Evan’s brown ones, “You are beyond your years, harboring secrets just beneath the skin that you feel others are not yet ready to hear. Anxiety comes in different forms, but Vanoss, I find that honesty is the worst enemy for those who hate to lie.”

Speechless, Evan watched a breeze cut between them, wisping black hair harried into a pale face. The silence was deafening in a way that heavied the invisible weight sitting upon the shoulders of a man who felt that he needed to keep the whole universe from caving in.

“You needn’t respond,” Akito said and Evan swore his voice was underlined with something softer than his usual monotone, “Though, I must say Vanoss, if Delirious ever did find himself threatened by you, I’d say it’s because he’s intimidated by honesty in it’s purest form. It’s an admirable trait, even if it’s only body language that implies your eagerness to please. Now, come,” he said, motioning for Evan to walk with him back to where they came.

The river side was full of bolder flowers of deep purples, reds, and greens while the fields were pastels and light - creamy whites and soft pinks, mellow golds and pale blues.

“Windflower,” Akito suddenly declared, as they bypassed a taller patch of grass.

Evan paused, eyeing the way Akito’s robes shimmered an almost golden tint in the sunlight and flowed with silken ease over the uneven bed of flowers and tall grasses, “What?”

Akito hummed a fairly dull tone, “You remind me of the Windflower.”

Evan quitely noted that to himself and opted to not respond, feeling like Eiren’s leader-but-not wouldn’t go into any further details of what that meant even as he watched honey colored orbs take in the white flowers spattering the edge of the woods they steered clear of.

The lithe, slender body of his current company was sort of surreal amongst the beauty that was Eiren’s Garden, elegant and ethereal, the softness of the silence fitting as Evan wondered if maybe Akito should be the thing most resembling of a flower. Evan was nowhere near as graceful and exotic - nowhere close as delicate as Akito seemed to believe he was. Emotionally fragile sometimes, but not so broken that he’d fall into shattered pieces. As of yet anyway.

Akito led them through tall bushes and onto the path towards Eiren and Evan felt a sudden loss settle in his chest at leaving the light ambience that was Eiren’s meadow. Pushing the feeling as far down in his empty heart as he could, he promised himself that he could always visit later.

He wondered where Akito was taking him, however. Was there more that the man wanted to share with him that would further discombobulate him?

Akito was intelligent, quiet but deadly, as they say. He was well versed in subtleties and had a way of soothing the more deeper wounds; ones that were sometimes so obscure they couldn’t be found until it was too late to heal them.

Suddenly, Evan could understand why Eiren’s people leaned so heavily on Akito like CaRtOoNz had implied.

Akito was the truest definition of humanity Evan’s found besides _his_ Delirious, and he didn’t know what to do with that apart from missing his captain with an accompanying stab to his heart.

“Did you hate him?” Words spilled out of his mouth without his permission, the spare thoughts racing through his head wanting to voice themselves before he even knew what he was doing, “Did you hate Delirious when Eiren was attacked?” He asked.

Akito was silent a moment, feuling Evan’s growing anxiety until the man finally answered, “It was not productive to hate the _Delirious Army_ ,” said Eiren’s respected, “And as Delirious and his fellowship were not the ones who laid judgment upon us, I found no reason to disconcert my gratitude for hate - both before and after. They have done so much for us, and likewise, were the only aid we had in the aftermath”

“Sorry if I was insensitive,” Evan quickly apologized.

“Nonsense,” Aktio repudiated, “It was an honest question, and I favor honesty.”

Evan flushed, but said nothing. To his luck, Akito continued.

“Many did hate the _Delirious Army_. It is a natural process of the mourning period to lay blame and anger; and unfortunately, Delirious was the easiest target, however it did not last. Delirious and his people helped to pick up the pieces of Eiren afterwards; we are more grateful than not.”

Evan smiled, “I’d be grateful too,” he said.

Akito nodded.

Nothing more was said as they made their way further into Eiren’s new settlements, dirt paths and solid foundations, a few people who, when spotting Akito, would smile or greet them, always friendly, always smiling.

Akito must have some sort of atmosphere, or something. He was like the heart of Eiren, a symbol, a good luck charm. It was quite intriguing.

“Vanoss!” Evan turned to the sudden voice, Akito pausing with him. Seeing CaRtOoNz’s grinning face brought a smile to his own as the man approached, “And Akito! Now that’s a pair I wasn’t expecting to see together.”

“Vanoss is a perfectly fine companion.”

Evan felt something swell in his chest at Akito’s words, but he pushed it down, “Thank you, I’ve been trying to tell CaRtOoNz that same thing.”

Delirious’ Right Hand rolled his eyes, “I’m not the person who complains about you being quiet.”

“Not yet, anyway.”

The man laughed before changing the subject, “So what have you two been up to? I noticed you disappeared this morning, Vanoss.”

At least someone did.

Blinking that thought away, Evan smiled, “Visited the meadow, Akito found me there actually.”

“Akito is there all the time, are you sure you didn’t find _him_ there? He has, like, a thing for the flowers.”

“An appreciation,” Akito clarified.

“Sure,” CaRtOoNz chuckled, “He didn’t talk your ears off about them, did he? Apparently they have actual names and such.”

“Unfortunately not,” Evan said, “Maybe next time.”

“Perhaps,” Akito agreed.

Snorting inappropriately, CaRtOoNz glanced between the two of them with suspicion, “You guys aren’t besties now, are you? ‘Cause I’m sure Delirious will be very jealous, and no one wants to deal with that.”

“No one truly wants to deal with him,” Evan muttered.

“You’re the only one who doesn't want to deal with Del,” the man replied amused, “Everyone else loves him to death.”

Evan felt something sharp lodge itself into his lung, which one he couldn’t quite determine, maybe even both, “Who said I couldn’t love him as well?”

“Ha!” CaRtOoNz joked, “You’re like his personal punching bag - I wouldn’t like him much if I was in your place, either.”

Evan couldn’t bring himself to respond.

Maybe that’s all he’d end up being. He’d truly be a tool in all ways.

Was it so bad, though? At least he had a purpose, one that didn’t dictate that he slaughter everyone in sight.

No, it wasn’t so bad.

Soon enough they came to a plaza of sorts. The crowds were thick, but seemingly coordinated and orderly. Evan recognized the crates and realized their contents were being distributed amongst the peoples.

Spotting a familiar face, he noted Kenji at the forefront of it all - expression both serious and warm as he voiced orders and kind words that were silent to Evan, but obviously welcomed by those closest to him.

Many other faces he recalled from the _Delirious Army_ as they aided as much as they could between handing over linens to Eiren’s citizens and listening to Kenji’s instructions.

“Kenji is not very good with words,” Akito said, “But he’s good at leading in different ways. Everyone has different strengths.”

“Kenji is certainly a marval,” Evan replied.

“Yes,” Akito answered, a flash of something in his eyes.

Stunned by the first real emotion Evan spotted in Akito’s expression, he was lost to the few words CaRtOoNz added to the conversation.

He came back to the present pretty quickly, however, when he spotted another figure just as recognizable in the crowds and stiffened quite obviously that CaRtOoNz noticed as well.

“Oh hey, look at that,” the man grinned, “Just the man we all love and despise.”

Delirious was not amused as he came within hearing distance, walking closer to become part of their circle, and instead greeted Akito with a nod. “Kenji has been handling everything well.”

“As I knew he would.”

CaRtOoNz threw an arm around Evan’s shoulders, pulling him into his side, “Hey, Del, did you know that Vanoss was such a cool guy, he’s even got Akito to like him.”

Evan shivered underneath the sudden icey glare his captain fixed on him, inwardly cursing CaRtOoNz’s name with vigor.

“Is that so?”

“It is,” Evan said, feeling the need to add something, “Apparently I’m a fine companion, and maybe you’d think so too if you’d take the time to get to know me,” he spared a smirk, “Maybe we could even end up as friends by the time these two years are up.”

Delirious seemed even more murderous than usual, was that even possible? Evan endeavored to not overthink it.

Luckily CaRtOoNz took his cue to break up the frosted atmosphere with a laugh, “See, look at that, people do want to be your friend Del - you should get out more.” He paused, “And maybe try not to look like you’re planning their death with your eyes.”

“That would be nice,” Evan commented.

“What would I need friends for?” Delirious asked, “I’m a captain, not a shiphand.”

CaRtOoNz rolled his eyes, “And _that’s_ why everybody feels uncertain about you.”

“As a captain it matters not how they think of me, only that they’re obedient. You’re my Right Hand, CaRtOoNz, not my conscious,” Delirious replied flatly.

“It’s the same though, isn’t it?” Evan countered then added as an afterthought, “Sir.”

Delirious looked down at him, eyes cold and frighteningly blank, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

“You never do.”

His captain ignored him to cater to Akito who watched with focused attention, “Come, Akito, Kenji has expressed his need for you, if only for a moment.”

Akito gave a nod of acceptance, stepping to take his place next to Delirious, but not before locking eyes with Evan, “Well, Vanoss, I hope your stay at Eiren will be enlightening if not enjoyable. May we cross paths again.”

“Thank you,” Evan smiled, and then Delirious and Akito were walking into the crowd.

“Welp, Delirious is still a jerk,” CaRtOoNz said.

“Is he now?” Evan muttered with a raised eyebrow.

The Right Hand rolled his eyes, “Don’t give me that - you do know he was bullshititng, yeah? I told you he is _stubborn_. He’s about as childish as you can get when it comes to leaders. Akito just never says anything when Delirious does his whole tough guy attitude - he likes to ‘observe behavior’ or some shit and Del takes it in stride. It doesn’t help that Akito seems terrifying at his side.”

Evan shrugged, “Well, I hope you’re right.”

“I always am,” CaRtOoNz smirked, “I’m the Right Hand.”

Evan sighed, “Oh, fuck off,” he grumbled.

The man laughed, “You’ve been spending too much time with Daithi - but I promise,” he said with a soft smile, “I grew up with Delirious. I know him better than anyone else, he’ll get tired of his own attitude soon enough.”

Evan stayed silent, watching Delirious and Akito mingle with Kenji in the heart of Eiren.

A spare thought passed and Evan wondered if it would make much difference if Delirious finally did changed his attitude towards him or not anymore.

Evan was a pathetic man, he couldn’t protect the one person he cared about more than he ever cared about anything in his entire lackluster life - who was he to have a second chance to befriend that same individual?

Just being able to have a chance at saving Delirious’ life in anyway would be enough for him - the one chance he truly needed.

Delirious needed stronger relationships, and Evan was just a machine, just something to be used; that’s all he ever really had to be for him, wasn’t it?

Wasn’t it?

It sounded correct, anyway, so Even took a deep breath and firmly told himself to accept it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inform me of any mistakes you feel need to be fixed; feedback would greatly be appreciated as well. Hope you all enjoyed :)
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	23. “And I don’t know which is worse.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He was too numb to care._
> 
> _It’s been a while since he’d felt such familiarity in his own skin, the constant ache in his bones all but pushed from his head when his chest seemed much heavier with it’s sudden sharp pains._
> 
> _A reminder._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs I predominantly listened to while writing this chapter;
> 
> [Numbers - Daughter](https://youtu.be/_aimWqcg1A0)   
>  [Say It - Echos](https://youtu.be/7C_yCosO1_w)   
>  [Graves - Echos](https://youtu.be/KWoMU6QZSuk)   
>  [My Blood - Echos](https://youtu.be/lBmvBTLeaJM)   
>  [Keep Shooting - Alter.](https://youtu.be/6n8mrJPk_E8)   
>  [Without Me - Halsey](https://youtu.be/Qh76gxwM5ik)
> 
> These are here just until I finally get around to updating the playlist for _Chance_ , unless, of course, you guys want me to keep them here and continuously add the songs I listen to for each chapter?

“Tell me to leave,” he murmured into the night. It was quiet, as it usually was, just the gentle whish of the ocean breeze and the soft noises of the ship’s creaking wood taking on the brunt of both water and gravity.

The silence was making Evan’s skin crawl and he wondered when he became so attuned to such things.

He could see his derision towards rain, but that was one thing - what he couldn’t understand was everything else that made his body send itself into an impromptu panic. It felt almost as if everything he came into contact with was there _only_ to remind him of his bone-deep pain, to throw him bodily off the cliff in his mind where sense blended into memory.

What was real and what wasn’t? Sometimes, Evan couldn’t tell the difference anymore.

“Tell me to leave,” he begged the quiet. “You know what I am, what I can do to you - _tell me to leave_.” He paused, mind running rampant with agony and blissful nostalgia.

He recalled this scene clearly, a replayed image of both emotional and mental lucidity he didn’t _want_ to have. This memory… it was the exact moment he realized how _weak_ he had became.

How _pathetic_.

“Otherwise,” Evan rasped from the deepest pits of his lungs. The burning, burning, unbelievable _shame_ that followed with such vile words, “I don’t think I’ll be able to do it on my own will alone.”

Evan didn’t received an answer. The silence swooping back in to surround them - to consume.

And he hadn’t expected one. Why would he get one now?

Because how many times had they danced around this very conversation before, had these very same back and forths?

Every time Evan had finally felt like he was at least one step ahead, something tripped him up - and suddenly he'd be a yard behind again.

“Tell me to leave, Delirious. _Pease_ , Delir-.”

“Is this how you deal with everything, Evan?” His captain hissed abruptly, voice strained, a hint of hidden betrayal in the lower lilts, “You just... _runaway_? I tell you to leave - but where are you going to go? You are just as much a liability to me as you are to _them_. You’ll be- you’ll be long dead before I can fix all this - so no, _no_ , I’m not doing it.”

‘I’ Evan had noted to himself morose, no longer ‘we’. “You have to-”

“I don’t have to do anything,” Delirious had growled, the first real tone of disapproval and anger to ever be solely directed at him, “You’re staying, that’s final, that’s _it_. Next time, _tell me_ when you need me, Evan. This isn’t a one way thing - it never was.”

Stunned by the sudden bombardment of outward lashing, Evan stepped away, eyes wide, heart pounding too fast for him to comprehend, to reel in the meeker parts of himself to hide behind the armoured walls of his all-to-real façades.

Delirious’ blue eyes had never looked so unbearably sad before, it had made him ache, his soul burned - he didn’t understand the sudden need, the _desire_ to comfort.

Because what was comfort?

His partn- no.

His _captain_ \- just his captain now - bore into him with such blank eyes, so incredibly dull and closed off.

Different, they were so different now.

“I trust you,” Delirious murmured over the distance between them and never before has three words seared Evan’s heart so readily and it must has shown on his face because Delirious immediately softened in both voice and body language. All the fight seemingly leaving his body at once which Evan couldn’t accept - _he deserved to burn for what he did_ \- and his captain forced a wobbly smile, a bone-tired and exhaustedly offered truce, though one that shook at the very foundation. They had ignored that at the time, just needily grasping at what they could, always ready to settle for less when it seemed impossible to reach for more, “And I thought you trusted me.”

“I do,” he whispered back, scared of being all alone again, “I do, but- but _I can’t_ ,” but also still scared of being so completely dependent on another human being. Absolutely terrified.

“You can,” Delirious corrected, voice no longer strained but utterly destroyed; _trembling_. They ignored that too because a captain is always to be resolute; _Delirious_ himself was _always_ resolute, “But _you won’t_. There were times, Evan, that I wondered if I truly ever did understand you. Do you think it’s ironic, then, that this is the moment where I find I understand you the most?”

Evan found himself backing away, for the second time, from the terribly bitter noise that was Delirious’ confession, a stab with the deepest wound. And now he could feel his lifeblood slinking away, his heart pounding, stuttering, but trying so hard to make up for the steady loss of one of his body's vital needs to function trickling from his cold, frozen veins.

“I’m dealing with this, Evan, and you’ll stay. No more running away,” Delirious broke their gaze, but his words were absolute, commandeering, irrefutable. Then he was turning away - away from Evan, away from them, away from everything.

_However, who was the one that had really turned away first?_

Evan knew he couldn’t put fault in this man, this man who tried and tried so hard to hold everything and everyone together even when he himself was a mess inside. He pieced together everything that broke into so many parts deemed useless for others to bother with - and Evan always wondered over and over if maybe that was the only reason Delirious ever paid mind to him.

If he was just this man’s latest project, just a puzzle, something to fix and throw back out into the world when he was done bandaging and patching.

But no, Delirious was so much more, _so much more_.

Suddenly, Evan found himself in a similar predicament; was there truly irony in the way he found he understood Delirious most at this moment, _now_ , when everything was starting to finally fall around them in thick jagged shards?

This was something even Delirious couldn’t fix anymore, and they both knew that - this small glass ball of a delicate world that had just been theirs.

It wasn’t theirs anymore.

The naive, desperate veil they had pulled over themselves would have been ripped away sooner or later. It was only chance it was happening now.

But Delirious, Evan realized, he was so different than him, Delirious would still put everything into trying to fix it, to fix their glass ball, to keep _him_ safe, if not the both of them.

Because that was the way Delirious was - this selfless, amazing, altruistic man.

“I don’t,” he said, a little too late, but Delirious stopped away, just on the threshold of vanishing into the shadows and from Evan’s sight. “I don’t runaway, Delirious, I never can, I never have. Because I would never- I would never be able to get very far even if I tried.”

It was a poor, poor response, but Delirious gave it his time and consideration anyway. Because that was the way he was - this _brilliant, beautiful man_.

And in the end, Delirious also gave it the scoff it deserved without needing to face him and said, “You’re right, Evan. You don’t runaway; _you give up_.” There was a pause followed by barely murmured words, “And I don’t know which is worse.”

This was different. This was an end.

And there would be no beginning after this one.

Evan was well acquainted with ends with no beginnings.

And then Delirious was gone, swallowed wholey and silently into the shadows that finally collapsed around them. This one place, this one area on a ship so large, but a small area of confidence and trust. A place where captain and man could meet on the same level - it, too, was now consumed into the darkness that was Evan’s betrayal.

Evan never felt so frozen on the inside before.

Delirious was gone - allowed himself to fall, allowed Evan to ruin him like everything else Evan’s come into contact with - and only in a few short days, a few short ignorant and regretfully silent days, he wouldn’t ever be able to come back.

Evan woke up with a start, heart skipping, but had no desire to move. He faced the ceiling of his room - listening to the creaks and groans of well-worn wood and the ocean wind whistling through paneled walls. It made the silence less, and he was only slightly grateful for it.

The tears on his cheeks dried tackily, making his skin raw and foreign - just a bit itchy. He ignored it, focusing instead on the fact that his room was darker than usual.

All his candles have melted away but for one, and even that one was violently flickering in it’s last dying moments.

He was too numb to care.

It’s been a while since he’d felt such familiarity in his own skin, the constant ache in his bones all but pushed from his head when his chest seemed much heavier with it’s sudden sharp pains.

A reminder.

He should have left.

He should have ran away even to Delirious’ chagrin.

He should have.

He-

The candle sizzled out, drowning in the left over wax melted at the base, the room instantly falling into complete darkness.

The anxiety that began to well up was overpowered but the sudden desire to go back to his own timeline, his own captain, his own Delirious.

He wanted to save _his_ Delirious.

Why wasn’t he there instead?

He didn’t understand, he couldn’t.

This place was too different, too much - Delirious was too different.

Why was he different?

Evan forced himself out of bed, pulling on a random shirt and stumbled his way out into the halls, finding a familiar path to a familiar place.

“Daithi,” he murmured to a familiar face, the rough green walls a reminder of another kind.

A cool balm to soothe an unique injury.

“Vanoss,” his friend answered, a pinched expression on his face belaying his confusion.

The name unexpectedly seemed stale to Evan’s ears.

“‘not’er nightmare?”

Evan gave an empty chuckle, “Yeah.”

Would Delirious have lived if he left? Would SeaNanners been more occupied with Evan’s betrayal, rather than Delirious’ continued existence?

Daithi sighed, motioning to the spare chair across from his desk, “It’s all yers.”

Evan staggered to it, collapsing into the offered seat with an accompanying concerned stare glued to his figure. “What are you doing up so late?”

Daithi shrugged, “Couldn't sleep.”

Evan blinked, changing subject, “My candles have burned out.”

“I’m not givin’ ye anymore,” the man huffed.

“I know.”

There’s a silence to follow that made Evan want to claw at his ears for, but knew it wouldn’t help. He sat perfectly still instead, focusing on his posture and breathing. It should help. It had to.

It use to. _Before_.

Before Delirious seemed to abruptly make everything appear better and so wonderfully clear with just the sound of his laugh or the warmth of his touch.

Daithi was chewing at his bottom lip - Evan wondered if that was a normal habit of his, “T’ere’s some in t’e bottom drawer.”

He knew exactly where Daithi meant. “Thank you.”

“Look, are ye okay? Do ye need somet’in’?”

“Can you numb the pain?” He asked, barely a whisper, without much thought.

Delirious could, he remembered bitterly, he always could, even when Evan didn’t realize he was suffering.

“W’at kinda pain?”

“Everything.”

Daithi shook his head, “S’ort of knockin’ ye out, no.”

“I don’t think that’ll help much either, honestly,” he answered, knowing Delirious would probably haunt all of his dreams, no matter what state of consciousness he could be in.

“T’en we’re shit outa luck.”

Evan didn’t respond, opting to stare down at his hands instead. His cold, bruised hands and scarred palms.

Would there ever be an end?

“Do ye want te talk about it?” Daithi asked, voice soft and green eyes bright with all sorts emotions Evan didn’t care to try and comprehend.

CaRtOoNz must have mentioned something to him, Evan noted, must have said something. Evan tried to be angry, but he also understood too much where the man came from. If CaRtOoNz had been seemingly bothered by something and said strange derogatory things about himself, he would go to Daithi too.

Because he cared about CaRtOoNz. He cared about Daithi, he cared about Delirious. He cared about everyone - even the new faces he’d never seen in an old timeline, one where he felt he truly belonged.

Maybe that was his downfall.

Maybe that was his problem.

_Delirious would disagree_.

“It’s just guilt,” He demurred, words dripping from lips numbed from metaphorical disuse. He never spoke of feelings did he? Even with Delirious it was a guessing game, he never made it easy for people to confront him on the parts of himself he found pathetic. “It’s just memories: I- I can’t make it stop,” his voice low and if he admitted it to himself, unintentionally colored with shame.

Daithi was obviously waiting for him to elaborate, but Evan dared not. The man’s lips ticked downwards from what Evan assumed was irritation, but he continued to keep his lips sealed shut, no matter how deadened.

“Ye ain’t no good w’en it comes te sharin’, are ye?” Daithi grumbled after a beat.

“No,” he agreed.

“Of course ye’d just tell me t’e exact same shit t’at’s already fuckin’ obvious.”

“Sorry.”

“T’e hell ye are,” the man muttered, “Go take ay damn nap on one of t’e cots - and don’t fuckin’ ye give me t’at look. I’ll wake ye, okay? If I t’ink ye’re in distress, I’ll wake ye.”

Evan eyed him suspiciously, “You promise?”

Daithi rolled his eyes so viciously that Evan wondered how they stayed in his head, “Fuckin’ ey, yes! I promise, go take a nap!”

Evan sighed and hesitantly moved to one of the cots.

“It’s not gonna bite ye,” Daithi snipped.

“Shut up, Daithi.”

“Go te sleep, Vanoss.”

And he tried.

After a few hours of tossing and turning, he left, Daithi having retired to his own room to catch up on a most needed nap himself.

After being informed today would be the _Delirious Army_ ’s last day docked at Eiren - by Bryce, of course, who was dutifully cleaning and packing up the galley when Evan found him that early morning - Evan found himself once again shoved out of the kitchens and told to ‘ _enjoy his day_ ’.

He sighed.

Evan almost sighed again when he found himself bumped into by a small blond, but managed to keep it to himself when his eyes met mahogany colored ones.

“Vanoss,” Ny said, slightly defensive in body language and eyes narrowed in suspicion.

Evan was instantly reminded their last conversation which had been about Delirious, more specifically, _amorous feelings_ for the mentioned captain. Quite assumed amorous feelings, at that.

“Ny, um, hello.” Was he expected to bring up their last subject of converse? Because he honestly didn’t want to deal with that again.

“Hello, I, well, is McQuaid in the galley yet?” The faint hint of challenge and confidence in his voice was not too startling, but Evan felt calmer knowing that, no, Ny wanted nothing to do with their last subject of talk anymore than he.

“Yeah, he shoved me out - told me something about enjoying my day.”

Ny gave him a smile, that almost seemed to relay relief, and his body obviously relaxed, “He’s like that, yeah,” Ny said, friendly and welcoming now that their secondary conversation had been concluded with the most desired outcome, “I heard this is our last day here, and he always likes to give people as many chances possible to enjoy land before we get standed back out on the waters.”

“Rather nice, except, I’ve no idea what to do.” Evan admitted, watching amusement spread across Ny’s face in response, “I don’t exactly _know_ Eiren or anyone within it.”

Ny shrugged, “Go meet some people then, or just soak up the meadow, yeah? Have you seen it yet? It’s quite extraordinary.”

“Yes, I’ve seen it, it is pretty fascinating.”

“Fascinating?” Ny repeated with an accompanying laugh, mirth shining in reddish brown eyes making them shine like rare jewels, “Quite a clinical way of saying you like something, ey?”

Uncertain, Evan gave a shrug, “I’m not good with words.”

“Truely,” Ny agreed, smile hanging loosely from pale lips. “I should be getting to McQuaid now, I’ve already got my plans in place this morning even if you may not.”

The mischief swimming in unique washed eyes told Evan just what those ‘plans’ may entail. He only hoped that Bryce wouldn’t be too annoyed by how his last day docked at Eiren was likely to be spent.

“Of course,” Evan said, nodding and making his exit from Ny’s amused presence at the sudden formality he slipped into.

Better to be formal than not, he supposed.

It was quite a subdued morning, if he had to say so himself, not as much noise and much less crewmates then usual. Being the last day docked, he assumed many were taking as much advantage as they could of Eiren before they were required to leave. It seemed the most likely reason and Evan found he quite liked it.

And as a result, from both focused inner musings and false lulled sense of uneventful morning from unexpected quietude, Evan was more than surprised when he found himself violently slammed into one of the ships inner walls, just before he could make his way above deck.

There’s a split second moment where Evan feels his mind blank out, absolutely terrified by how easily his body reflexively wants to _kill_ and _protect_ , to go for the weakness points in his aggressors frail human body. He comes back to himself so fast he found himself dazed.

Betrayal shot through his chest when he recognized a familiar face glaring into his, but then consequently remembered that he’s in a different place, a different timeline; most of these people barely know him, let alone thought of him as a friend.

That was a different life and, therefore, no reason for him to feel betrayed. It’s not like he had the right, anyway.

So, this man, once friend, but now, too, seemingly a hater of Evan’s existence had Evan pinned and vulnerable to his hardened glare and violent implications.

They locked gazes, brown to brown, one wide and imploring, the other calculating and mistrusting. Swallowing, Evan broke their stare, instead moving to the two figures behind his attacker, both just as familiar.

It had taken so long to come across them, Evan had started to wonder - _worry_ \- if they weren’t even part of this timeline. It seemed he was wrong as he watched one set of hazel orbs worriedly flicked between him and Basically - who still had him pressed up against the wall with a choking hold on his shirt collar - and another set of blue ones who aired a feeling of indifference.

“Basically,” Brock started with a soft warning, “Could you perhaps _not_ be so harsh?”

“You did promise us you wouldn’t get worked up,” Brian drawled.

Evan met brown eyes again, staying silent so the man could work out what he wanted to do to him without many incentives - it’s not like he really wanted to go back to Daithi with a black eye or a bruised rib; he’d likely get more bitching and that really wasn’t on his list of things to do today. Of course, _this_ wasn’t on his list of things to do today either, but was still quite relieved when the man finally let him go, and Evan immediately set to straighten out his clothes.

“Well, hello,” Evan said, fiddling with his shirt collar, trying not the think too much about how he was essentially cornered with barely any one around to help him, if necessary, if possible, “I didn’t exactly imagine this to be how we met, but it’s nice and all anyway. I suppose.” Suddenly, he was missing Tyler and Craig more than ever before with a sharp pinch to his heart.

Basically frowned at him, but Brock offered a hesitant smile.

“Why are you here?” Basically demanded.

“Because as much as the captain begrudges me, he also likes me,” Evan paused, “At least, that’s what CaRtOoNz says.”

Basically narrowed his eyes, “The captain said we wouldn’t be taking anymore members.”

“He didn’t account for me, then, I guess.”

That wasn’t the answer the man wanted apparently, because Brian was laying a hand on his shoulder to stop him from getting physical once more.

“What Basically wants to know, is _how_ exactly you got Delirious to accept you onto the ship,” Brian translated drily and Evan remembered instantly why he liked the man so much back then.

Evan raised an eyebrow, “Do you seriously think I forced him to take me on?”

The silence was answer enough, and Evan sighed, “Are we talking about the same person here? Do you even know what that man is like? He has a stubborn streak bigger than the seas themselves, and if he truly didn’t want me here, I _wouldn’t_ be here.”

“Then why are you here?” Basically asked again, arms crossing over his chest with a furious glint in his eyes - probably about that comment about not knowing their captain, but Evan wasn’t one to back down, was he?

“We got a, well, an agreement of sorts,” Evan was still a bit sore over the whole contract thing and couldn’t really bring himself to freely admit that he was paper bound to a man who really didn’t need them, “He gets to use me for two years, and then afterwards get rid of me however he likes.”

Basically, with an angry smear on his mouth moved again to possibly strangle him this time and Brian seemed on the verge of allowing it to happen when Brock asked and not without a bit of steel in his voice, “And what do you get out of it?”

Evan blinked, “Nothing.”

Puzzled, his intended assailant paused, “What?”

“Well, I, of course, get a place on the ship, but nothing else - really I’m just here to be his, well,” he unintentionally swallowed around the word, “Tool.”

“The hell does that mean?” Basically grumbled, eyebrows drawn together in either confusion, annoyance, or maybe both. Probably both.

“It’s okay,” Evan grinned cheekily, “CaRtOoNz called me an idiot already; you guys can too.”

“You’re an idiot,” Brian complied, deadpan, and without the intended humor.

“Why the fuck would you do that?” Basically asked.

Evan shrugged, “Got nothing left - and,” honesty is the best policy, he reminded himself, when he paused uncertainly, “He reminded me of someone I knew, someone I should have been able to repay.”

They seemed to understand what he meant, and take his explanation seriously if not believably, much to his luck. At least, Basically didn’t seem ready to kill him anymore; at the moment.

“Well, I mean, if you aren’t exploiting him...” Brock murmured into the sudden quiet that fell over them; awkward and raw.

Evan gave a smile feeling something in his chest expanded, float, “Thank you,” he said, earning himself very confused looks, and Brian seemed more interested than not, “For showing me how loyal Del- uh, the captain’s crew is to him. I’ve seen... a lot of people over the years, and it’s nice to know that his following is just as dedicated,” he murmured.

Brain huffed, “You know, I think I might like you.”

Evan laughed, “Name’s Vanoss,” he offered.

“Terrorizer.”

Brock smiled, reaching a hand out, “Moo.”

Evan grinned, “Interesting.”

The man rolled his eyes, more amused than annoyed, “It’s a joke,” he elucidated.

Evan’s heart ached when he had to stop himself from confirming that he knew, because _he wasn’t_ supposed to know. Not until he was confided in.

Not for the first time Evan was seriously hating having to reintroduce himself to close friends and, once, family.

It didn’t matter, though did it?

Because he was stuck in this situation, and he wasn’t leaving it anytime soon - that he didn’t know of, of course - he still has no idea how he ended up here when he should be dead.

He’ll have to suck it up; he should even be happy that he hasn’t gotten his ass kicked yet.

Though, looking at Basically’s grudgingly complacent expression, Evan feels he should be a little careful. Sooner or later, he could possibly come across someone who’s not as reasonable and just wants to beat him into the next day.

Evan was probably a lot more lucky to have had Brian and Brock here to be the man’s weirdly balanced conscious, too. They weren’t going to be there every time someone confronts him though.

All he had to worry over right now, however, was getting these three men, and all the others he’s come across as well, to like him enough to consider being his friend in the future.

It they thought of him as a friend, then it would be easier to steer them towards safer paths to keep Delirious from harm without them rebelling against him just because they saw him as an outsider.

It was the logical course of action, he told himself.

Ignoring the parts of himself that were sore from loneliness and loss, silently soothed by the thought of friendships anewed, Evan turned his focus back to the trio in front of him.

For Delirious, he insisted, not for himself.

Because Evan didn’t deserve it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays, or more.
> 
> Christmas was a little chaotic for me, sorry for being a week late. This chapter was also supposed to be a lot longer, another two or so scenes, but I've not been in the best of minds lately. I can't focus long enough to write it all out fast enough, and I'm already late, so I've decided to post what I've got so far.
> 
> It's a longer chapter than usual, anyway, I hope you all enjoy - sorry if the second half of it seems a bit lackluster, maybe I'll come back to it at a later date to fix up some mistakes and make it flow easier.
> 
> Hopefully, next week I can get two chapters out :)
> 
> Technically, this is also the last update for the year 2018, as well, haha. Thank you for sticking around; this year has had it's up and downs, but _Chance_ was such an amazing journey for most of it. And as 2019 strolls in, I hope it continues to give you the joy and excitement that it gives me while writing it.
> 
> Milestones I've not mentioned until now; we've reached 20 chapters (and counting), as well as reached 60,000+ words with the last chapter updated, along with 1,800+ hits. It's so crazy to think about, it absolutely blows my mind.
> 
> I have to thank you all, because I don't believe _Chance_ would have ever made it this far without all your guys support, encouragement, and love. Your patience, Kudos, and comments always make my day and has gradually helped pull _Chance_ steadily along.
> 
> May your New Years bring joy and happiness with it, I'll see you all next week in 2019.
> 
> Thank you for reading (and tolerating this _long_ author's/chapter note, haha),  
>  ~Sakura


	24. “You’re too hard on him.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _However, as he was moving to go back to which he came, Evan caught a flash of blue in the corner of his vision and abruptly understood there was another here, making him pause. He wasn’t alone. Probably never really was when he stumbled upon this not-so-hidden area of land._
> 
> _And the familiar figure was watching him which begrudging ocean eyes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Demons - Omri](https://youtu.be/Box27GLqVvI)   
>  [Save Me - Omri](https://youtu.be/Ca7bpSr3N6M)   
>  [Riptide - Unlike Pluto](https://youtu.be/2zgBRnpIuHI)   
>  [No Rainbows in The Desert - Unlike Pluto](https://youtu.be/r-OOLEfX0cA)   
>  [Jolt - Unlike Pluto](https://youtu.be/ctGZPMDrdmQ)

“Who the fuck gives themselves to a pirate captain to do as they please with for _any_ length of time?” Basically snapped, “Let alone _our_ captain - do you even know who he is?”

“Yes, I do.” Evan shrugged, noting how the man just about threw his own words back at him, “I even got a bit cozy with him, back in Fermildin.”

Brock raised an eyebrow, “Cozy?”

“Yeah, unfortunately, it didn’t turn out to be the best night of my life, though.”

Basically sneered, “Aren’t you just the funniest guy.”

“I usually leave that to Joker.”

Brian laid a silent reprimanding hand to Basically’s shoulder once again when the man stepped forward to likely punch the amused smile from his face.

“Okay, children, enough of that,” Brian sighed, “I believe we have better things to get to - this is our last day at Eiren after all. _I_ would like to enjoy it, at least and for me that isn’t cornering the new shiphand for endless hours.”

Basically rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest, “Whatever.”

“We can always catch up at a later date, if you’re so keen,” Evan offered with a cheeky grin, “All you have to do is come by the galley. I’m McQuaid's little helper, just stop by sometime, yeah? We’d love to have you.”

The man scowled, but Brian was turning him away along with Brock, “Not a half bad idea,” Brian answered dryly - both Basically nor Brock seemed very amused however.

“I’ll see you later than,” Evan called to them as they moved to disappear just as fast as they had appeared.

Basically scoffed and Evan took that as his cue to make way for the above deck as he had originally planned. A small piece of him loosened pleasantly at the knowledge that, even with all the new faces in this timeline, not many were lost from the original one.

Brian and Brock, as well as Basically; they were all just small details in the plan to keep Delirious alive and well for a long time, but they were just as important on a baser, more primal level. They were just as much family as the rest of the _Delirious Army_ that had once saved Evan from himself and, in a different way, his life.

As he reached the main deck, he felt lighter, like a small weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He took it for what it was, opting to not put much thought into it.

Instead, he realized how quiet it was, almost morose with how mellow the main deck seemed to be. Of course, there wasn’t many of the crew floating around, probably taking their chance to spend the day in Eiren, and Evan supposed it wasn’t too much louder in normal circumstances - at least, not as loud as he recalled in memories of the _Delirious Army_ he first had the pleasure of getting to know - but it _was_ usually more lively.

Interestingly enough, Eiren seemed very important to the _Delirious Army_ , like a semblance of home, an anchor.

The _Delirious Army_ of his original world belonged to nowhere, seemingly a loose end in the grand scheme of the universe and Delirious of then had been the nicest, most honest person he’d ever crossed; along with his crew of misfits. Of course, even their reputation wasn’t that terrible, but they were pirates and they took what wasn’t necessarily theirs. They definitely weren’t on _Atmós_ ’ good side and that instantly made them as vagabond as one could get - no one would mess with those on what was considered the ‘wrong side of the fence’.

The dangers included what Eiren has been made an example of.

Maybe their cautions weren’t so far off after all.

Evan just wants to know how in this world, the _Delirious Army_ that is more poorly reputed than its original copy, has something of a tether while it’s other did not.

Not to say neither of them deserved one, but Evan would have thought that _his_ Delirious would have been more likely to have one than not.

Such strange juxtaposed contradictions; it would take some time for him to get use to them.

Evan spared a random thought into how he would have fared in this world, meeting this Delirious bent more towards a malicious direction then the one who used kindness to lure out his once-thought-to-be missing soul.

He pushed it aside as a shiver forced its way down his spine. There was no productive value in pondering it, he told himself - and all the horrors that came with.

He was never one for idle thought anyhow.

“Vanoss!”

Evan turned to find CaRtOoNz making his way to him, grin plastered to his face even though dark splotches made themselves known underneath his brown eyes.

“Hey, I finally got some time to myself; thought I’d make do on that promise to visit the meadow together.”

Evan smiled while his heart warmed, “Are you sure you don't want to get some sleep instead?”

He rolled his eyes, “Listen, I think I’d be more grateful to get off this blasted ship than anything else.”

CaRtOoNz loved the _Delirious Army_ just as much as Delirious did, and watching the man give a glancing glower to the encompassing area around them, Evan assumed it was to put distance between he and _someone_ rather than the ship itself. Evan could understand that.

He gave a weak shrug, “I was wondering what to do with myself anyway.”

The Right Hand offered a private smile, “You weren’t pondering to wash the deck, were you?”

“Close enough.”

Relaxing, the man chuckled, “Well, let’s get you out of here before you start making yourself busy.”

“Agreed,” Evan said, taking after CaRtOoNz’s lead.

“Has Del been giving you any trouble?”

Confused by the direction of conversation, Evan shook his head, “No, I haven’t seen him since yesterday, you know, when he was mentally gutting me for spending time with Akito. Why do you ask?”

“You’re looking pretty rough, honestly,” CaRtOoNz said, a budding question in his tone that Evan couldn’t really bring himself to answer.

“I could say the same to you,” Evan replied instead, “Is there a reason why you were so ready to jump ship?” There was a moment of uncertain silence, so he decided to continue, “You asked me about the captain; is he the one you’re trying to put distance between?”

Scoffing, CaRtOoNz gave a disbelieving shake of his head, “You’re much more observant than you make yourself out to be.”

It wasn’t exactly the answer he was looking for, but it was an answer all the same, he supposed, “Just know how to put things together correctly, that’s all.”

“ _Too_ correctly,” CaRtOoNz muttered as they reached the soiled edges of Erien’s substantial defeat, the crumbled stones and tumbled homes still just as jarring as the first time, “Look, all we had was a disagreement, well… many of them really,” the man sighed, “And Del likes to be an ass even on the best of days. It'll get better once we get back out on the waters; he always gets a bit restless when we’re docked for too long.”

“We’ve only been here for a few days.”

“Exactly.”

Evan raised an eyebrow, and CaRtoOnz offered a slightly amused grin.

“I didn’t say he was _rational_ ,” the man elaborated.

Evan huffed, “Yeah, just _charismatic_.”

“ _Maybe_ I used the wrong word.”

“What an understatement,” he muttered and CaRtOoNz nudged him using an elbow with a mocked scandalous expression plastered to his face before bursting into laughter.

“You’re too hard on him,” the Right Hand sputtered between chuckles.

Evan gave an exaggerated glance around before turning back to him, incredulous, “I’m sorry, but _what_?”

Brown eyes rolled, “Del’s a dick, but he ain’t cruel. You’ll see,” when they met gazes, CaRtOoNz’s was suddenly serious, “And now that we’re on this subject, I believe there was something you said about ‘being a tool’ that I want a thorough explanation for.”

Evan frowned, “There’s noth-”

“ _Thorough_ ,” CaRtOoNz said, voice steely and demanding. Every inch the Right Hand’s tone, brokering no disagreement or sidestepping. Evan would be more than enough irritated at the arupt attention pulled to their rank disparity if he couldn’t spot the concern in the man’s eyes.

He sighed, “That contract you ripped me apart about? It dictates that I’m just here to be used. I don’t know it’s just starting to hit home a bit, I guess.”

CaRtOoNz is silent for just a second, face hardened and eyes just on the verge of sad but not quite hitting the exact mark, “If that’s so, you’re taking it very well.”

Evan swallowed down a lump, “Yeah,” he rasped, throat tight, “Yeah, I am.”

In this very instant, this one moment, there’s a quiet understanding that thickens the air around them and Evan knows that CaRtOoNz grasped the very explicit truth hidden in the small gives Evan allowed.

He won’t say it outright, probably never will, but he knows that CaRtOoNz is good at reading between the lines and Evan isn’t one to lie when he doesn’t have to.

Akito was right, in a very real and scary way. Evan was not a lier, and those who thought that of him where not great at their character judging; in truth the only thing Evan’s really known was honesty. It took him a very long and painful amount of time to learn that sometimes some things were just better left _unsaid_.

It didn’t mean it wasn’t there for someone to find, however.

And it’s been a very long time since someone was able to comprehend him with confidence and recognition without the added apprehension and betrayal to accompany. It almost made him teary eyed to think about it.

He felt less alone in a way, less closed off. Akito was intelligent, he understood that Akito would probably always be able to see through him - and anyone else really - if not understand the exact reasons for who and what Evan was and will be.

But to know that at least someone out of the whole group of people he once knew as family and friends truly did see something distinguishable about him made him feel… _lighter_.

He sucked in a deep breath, wondering as he did, how long it’s been since he’s actually been able to _breathe_ without suffocating at the same time.

He wasn’t so changed then was he? He died, yes. He had broken and shattered everything that was good in a world of pain, but now he had a second chance.

A second world to start over.

At least, a resemblance of one.

“Shit, man,” Evan broke out of his thoughts to see CaRtOoNz’s face scrunched up in annoyed exhaustion, “I just remembered I still have some crap to get sorted.”

“Work is never over with, yeah?”

“No,” CaRtOoNz agreed, lips tugging down, “Never is. Sorry about this.”

“It’s fine, I understand,” Evan waved a nonchalant hand, “You go and get your stuff done, I’ll wait for you, okay? As long as it’s still light out, of course.”

The man huffed, “Yeah, yeah, of course it’ll be light, it won’t take _that_ long. Thanks for this; I’ll see you in bit - just don’t get lost.”

Evan rolled his own eyes, “I’m not gonna get lost.”

CaRtOoNz grinned, “Hopefully not,” he said turning to go back to the ship, “I have to go and grab Sakura, see ya soon.”

And then the man was jogging away and Evan was alone. After watching the Right Hand’s figure grow smaller in the distance, he finally moved to make his way past the tall bushes bordering Eiren’s Garden.

He admits to himself that he may have expected to see Akito somewhere amongst the soft, delicate stretches of grass and vegetation, maybe somewhere deeper he’d admit that he kind of hoped to have. As a man raised to be completely independent, he wonders at what point in his life he became so accustomed to company that he now appears to crave it.

He pushed the thoughts away to consider later, opting to alternatively find something to do to pass the time until CaRtOoNz came to find him. In a place of peace, relaxing of course, but slightly boring if he’d say so himself - as someone who always liked to keep busy, to find stuff to do - he realizes that he is fairly out of his element. Evan supposes he was lucky to have ran into Akito the last time he came here, it was easier to appreciate the meadow when there was someone else there to show their own admiration.

The minutes passed as he wandered over the soft greens beneath his feet, mindless and absent, carefully taking in his surroundings as he slowly traveled with wild abandon. The sun was warm, and gentle, glowing with slight but strong intensity along the plains of his back, his dark scheme of clothing gladly soaking it the attention. For a cooler part of the season the border of summer into fall, he found it quite nice.

It was at that thought he almost tripped over a large stone at his feet, having not registered it until he came within stepping distance. Evan felt his brow scrutch in confusion as he noted it and then the multiple others around it. Finally taking a better notice of his surrounding he recognized the uniform lines of several hundred more stones that crossed the lands before him.

With only very little amusement Evan thought that he might actually be lost because he’d never saw this part of the gardens in his last visits.

The evidence of disturbed green and bright flowers with mounds of dirt, now compacted and bleached with weeks of age and sunlight was very clear of what this area was meant to be.

A stone of its own weight was forming itself in the pit of his stomach as the knowledge slowly washed over him. Heavy, and thick the air of mourning as well as loss was palpable. It maybe have been of his own imagining, but even so, Evan felt his own type of sorrow well in his chest to add to the surrounding atmosphere he perceived.

A graveyard was a different sort of world all in it’s own.

In actuality, this might be his first time ever coming within such close distance to one. Even when he was in his emotionally inhibiting state, he took great deliberation to keep away from them; he never thought he quite had the ability to give them the respect he understood they were due.

Rather, he was usually busy making them.

Taking a deep breath, he turned to leave.

However, as he was moving to go back to which he came, Evan caught a flash of blue in the corner of his vision and abruptly understood there was another here, making him pause. He wasn’t alone. Probably never really was when he stumbled upon this not-so-hidden area of land.

And the familiar figure was watching him which begrudging ocean eyes.

An awkward noise came unbidden from the back of his throat; a chilly silence swiftly cancelling out the sun’s previously warm intentions.

“Um,” Evan cringed, “Hello,” he demurred, uncomfortable and wondering if he could make his hasty retreat now or just wish for the ground to swallow him and his stupidity whole.

Delirious didn’t bother to answer his fumble, taking him in with an almost questioning gaze.

If Evan didn’t know better he’d say the man was intrigued, if not curious.

Biting his lip, Evan severely regretted coming out without CaRtOoNz’s company because _of course_ he’d run into Delirious without the man here to save him.

To both of their chagrin; they were as equally uncertain as to what to do or what to say as the other. Their standstill haphazardly hitching on the tumultuous charge between them as they pinned the other with their stare.

Today was not looking all that great after all, he thought to himself grimly, as he awaited for the moment when his captain’s gaze would turn from mildly inquisitive to indifferent hostility.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like me weekly updates are becoming every other week. Suppose it's a good things the updates are getting longer than.
> 
> Honestly, this chapter _might_ be a little more sloppy than usual, but I haven't even gone back to reread it or skim it for fear that I might just scrap it and rewrite it. And it's already been awhile since the last update so I can't exactly do that, haha.
> 
> So, let me know of any mistakes. I'll come back at a later date to fix it up, make it flow easier. Think of it as a rough draft, I suppose, haha.
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> ~Sakura


	25. “I don’t keep liabilities.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _A moment passed where ocean eyes peirce into his skin, taking him in before they harden, serrated edges becoming visibly sharper within seconds, “Interesting,” Delirious spat, “You know, CaRtOoNz has been fighting me tooth and nail about you ever since I let you onto my ship. Even when you aren’t in the room, even when I haven’t been in contact with you for days,_ hours _, he’s there with something to say, something to dig into me with. Loyal, he tells me, selfless, considerate, smart. Even Akito had good things to say about you, about how you’re honest,_ infallible _,” he hissed._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Lemon - Kenshi Yonezu (English Cover ft. JubyPhonic)](https://youtu.be/ZXvY6NMoc78)   
>  [Dawn - Last Heros (ft. Derek Joel)](https://youtu.be/pVszoPu54Mo)   
>  [Cradles - Sub Urban](https://youtu.be/mZcqpvktbHM)   
>  [Demons - Rival x Max Hurrell (ft. Veronica Bravo)](https://youtu.be/6mDw2aqpOr4)   
>  [Close Your Eyes/In The Next Life - KIRA (Kim Petras Remix)](https://youtu.be/t3GexIMSE9o)

There’s a hint of discomfort in the silence that stretches between them. Evan fought the urge to shift awkwardly and instead keeps a steady gaze on his captain, who also doesn’t seem apt to moving a muscle, either.

A stalemate with neither willing to make the first move.

Unexpectedly, nothing close to contempt or distrust passes over the man’s stare or body language as of yet, rather, they seem to completely still like the rare moments of peace upon tempestuous ocean waters Evan could recall so often. In fact, if Evan focused enough, Delirious looked properly tired, almost exhausted, focused closely around the eyes.

They kept a gapped distance from each other, neither brave enough to make any sudden movement before the other, but Evan could very easily make out the dulled edges to usually sharpened blues and a sort of dimmed light to a normally piercing gaze. Unnatural on habitually hardened features, but also achingly similar to the more recent memories he held of his original Delirious.

Evan’s insides clenched and quivered at the abruptly upturned recollections, chewing at his bottom lip to try to disway them while tasting iron on his tongue with the continued abuse. It wasn’t the most helpful aid.

“I’m lost,” Evan blurted, no thought process to preempt the word vomit, nor any realization that he had anything to say in the first place. He winced at it’s poorness.

At Delirious unimpressed glare, Evan flushed, knowing that his disclosure was pretty inelegant, but what else was there for him to say, for him to _do_ with this weird empty void stuck between them?

“And you end up here?” Said the captain dryly, the unanticipated reply unwittingly loud in their pocket of quiet. The lack of hostility in the man’s tone was almost just as, if not more than, surprising then the response itself, and Evan blinked dumbly in his own reply before he could scrap something smart together.

“Well, I’m either lucky or really, really not,” he finally managed through uncharacteristic diffidence.

“Quite evident,” the man snipped.

“Yes,” Evan answered lamely, glancing around him just to take his gaze away from his captain who was clearly not happy with his random appearance or insistent, useless chatter. Not angry, or irritated, at least, to Evan’s slight relief - or if the man was, he was hiding it fairly well. “It certainly wasn’t my plan to stumble across a graveyard, anyway. I, well, I didn’t even know it was part of the gardens… though it seems fitting,” he rambled.

The narrowed slits of his captain’s cold blues was both a welcomed and disappointing sight, better than the exhausted, haunted expression to mar his stare, but Evan mourned just as much the captains almost, dare he think... _amicable_ interaction with him.

Obviously, Delirious was not pleased with what he had said, so Evan rushed to continue, to help try and piece something of their non-hostile interaction back together, “I just mean- well, if I was to die, to be buried here would be quite the honor,” if not dishonest, he thought to himself bitterly, but easily pushed it aside, “Though, many would say I have a skewed sense of perspective and thinking about how I’d want to be buried is quite morbid, and all these unfortunate souls in actuality most likely never wished the fate they were given, so to say something like I did was probably most insensitive, wasn’t it?”

Biting his lip to keep himself from rambling anymore than he had, he noted that Delirious looked less agitated and more puzzled. Which, he supposed, was a good thing.

“You talk to much,” his captain muttered, and Evan felt himself deflate.

Breathing a sigh of relief, he quirked a half smile, “You’re the first to tell me that actually.”

Delirious doesn’t respond to that, eyes roving over the stones that peppered the grassy lands before them.

“Why are you here?” Evan asked, watching as the man tensed at the question, but seemed intent on keeping his gaze from catching onto his. Evan wondered why.

Delirious bit out a flat, almost sarcastic, “I wonder what one does at a graveyard.”

Pausing, Evan glanced at their surroundings, “Well, I feel… sorrow,” he hesitated, and Delirious finally turned to face him again, “But I think it’s more that I regret not having experienced what everyone describes as the ‘Eiren before’. I’m not exactly the most, well, apt person to mourning life,” he demurred, eyes sliding away from calculating blue ones. “I’ve been told I’m better at ending them,” he murmured.

Delirious scoffed, his tone mocking, disbelieving, “What? Are you telling me you’re some sort of secret weapon?”

“I’m saying I’ll be anything you want,” he answered instantaneous, the knee-jerk reaction to please kicking in faster than he could stop it. He pursed his lips as he waited for his captain’s response, sitting stiff backed and anxious.

A moment passed where ocean eyes peirce into his skin, taking him in before they harden, serrated edges becoming visibly sharper within seconds, “Interesting,” Delirious spat, “You know, CaRtOoNz has been fighting me tooth and nail about you ever since I let you onto my ship. Even when you aren’t in the room, even when I haven’t been in contact with you for days, _hours_ , he’s there with something to say, something to dig into me with. Loyal, he tells me, selfless, considerate, smart. Even Akito had good things to say about you, about how you’re honest, _infallible_ ,” he hissed.

A deep breath, as silence fell over them like a blanket, the air sparking, tense, so thick Evan felt suffocated. His chest was tight, warnings and alarms ringing in his head that he should run, leave before things escalated any further, but his feet were rooted to the ground. From fear or some unspoken command, he couldn’t tell.

A small part of his brain reminded him that he deserved this. Probably even _needed_ this. Delirious’ silence in the face of Evan’s betrayal hurt so much worse than it would have for the man to have just cut into him with the anger or disgust he must have stirred - just like this one was. It almost felt like a delayed reaction, and if he told himself enough times that it was, he could probably truly believe it too.

Delirious seemed to calm, however, in the face of their quiet. Eyes focused and steady as they stared Evan down, “But do you know what I see?” He asked in rhetorical monotonous fashion, “A man with too many secrets to parse; a man with secrets so vast and a personality so complex that it may as well be impossible to understand. And if I can’t understand you, how can I trust you as a member of my crew?”

Evan blinked, the simple observation both single-handedly cutting and comprehensible. Delirious was good at reading people, too, and if Akito could tell there was something a bit off with him than it wouldn’t be that much of a stretch that Delirious would, as well.

“Honestly?” Evan started, “I don’t know. It’s up to you if you want to trust me or not, even if you understand me or you don’t. All I know is that you can ask me whatever you want and I’ll give you the best answer I have.” He paused, “All these ‘secrets’ everyone seemed to think I have - they’re just,” he swallowed, “...mistakes. Stupid mistakes I’d rather _never_ have to think about again, but if you want them, I’d gladly tell them because at the end of the day you are my captain,” he said, licking his lips at the vulnerability he offered, “And I belong to you.”

There’s another moment of quiet where Delirious stares right through him, something heavy seeming to dissipate with every second that carried on. Evan felt lighter than he’d ever had before and he fought the urge to smile while his captain settled onto him a blank - but not apathetic, he felt the need to note - gaze. Something about it was different, not just the loss of apathy, but something else, like Delirious was confused, trying to pick him apart without accidentally connecting.

Delirious almost looked like he was lost.

It was there and then it was gone, Delirious blinked and the shutters were back, closing behind them the small emotions he didn’t want to show and Evan recognized the harded, cool glare that fixed onto his figure once more. It didn’t bother him no more, he realized. At least, not in this situation.

“And how do I know if these ‘mistakes’ of yours won’t somehow come back to endanger my ship?”

“They won’t,” Evan answered, words spilling easily with fortified resolve, “I wouldn’t allow it.”

Suddenly, there’s the noise of footsteps and the small, just-on-the-verge-of-friendly atmosphere between them slips away. Evan turns to look over his shoulder and isn’t too surprised to see CaRtOoNz in the distance making his way to them, his gait just on the other side of rushed and his eyes too far away for Evan to read, but knows the man well enough to assume there’s a heavy amount of concern floating around in them.

“They better not,” said Delirious, voice not quite soft, but just light enough for Evan to believe so. “I don’t keep liabilities.”

Evan gave a bitter smile, “I wouldn’t want you to.”

Then CaRtOoNz was upon them with tousled hair and clenched fists, “What’s going on?”

“Just some small talk,” Evan responds with a grin, eyes locked onto unimpressed blues, “Turns out the captain isn’t much good at it.”

Delirious huffed, turning away from them, while CaRtOoNz follows with a puzzled expression, obviously confused by the weird emanation that surrounds the three of them that isn’t hostile or strained.

“Well,” CaRtOoNz started slowly, “I didn’t really expect to find you out here at the… well, the…”

Evan realized that the man couldn’t say the word and even Delirious seemed a bit cowed.

“I got lost,” he said for the second time that day.

The man snorted, “I thought you said you wouldn’t.”

“Well, looks like I lied,” Evan shrugged, “Didn’t think I’d stumble over a graveyard.”

“You’re just lucky,” CaRtOoNz muttered, and Evan wanted to laugh.

“Yeah right.”

The conversation stuttered to an awkward stop, and Evan fought the urge to say something or fidget. Then, as he took in the tired look that settled once more into Delirious’ eyes again and now the haunted one in CaRtOoNz’s, Even abruptly realized that they were in a moment of grief. Or something close to it anyway.

Evan felt uncomfortable at the random discernment, instantly feeling a bit alienated even though he had been the second addition to their three-man company. He may not have known these people who died, but they did, they were obviously saddened by the rows of stones.

He really didn’t belong here.

And the way CaRtOoNz reached over to grab Delirious’ shoulder made him feel like he was intruding onto something unbearably private.

Swallowing, Evan turned away.

Maybe if he started to leave now they wouldn’t notice until after he’d left.

It brought into prospective how much he differed from everyone on the _Delirious Army_. They were family, yes, but they felt separate. Distant. Like they were split by an invisible wall.

At one time, Delirious worked really hard to destroy that wall, but not any more. And it felt taller than usual now.

Evan took a step back, but CaRtOoNz turned back at the same moment and fixated him with a stern glare.

“What do you think you’re doing? We’ve got stuff to see!” The man huffed, boldly linking his arm with Delirious’ ignoring the man’s frozen glare. “Akito mentioned that the lily pads are still bloomed and I want to see them before they close up for late fall and winter,” he said, walking over to Evan’s side with his captain in grudging tow.

“Akito did say you liked flowers,” Evan muttered.

CaRtOoNz sniffed, “It’s an appreciation.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Shut up, Vanoss.”

Delirious sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, was suppose to get this done last weekend, but ended up sick and fairly intimate with my toilet. So, not fun.
> 
> Anyway, here's the chapter, and I'm pretty sure this will be the last you see of Eiren for a while, so let's all breathe a collective sigh of relief at the long period of inaction finally coming to a close, haha.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed. Also got stuck on what to name this chapter because there was two really good ones I could have used.
> 
> Anway, thank you so very much for reading,  
> ~Sakura


End file.
